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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Girl in the Fence Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Girl in the Fence  (currently 4301 views)
TonyDionisio
Posted: December 16th, 2015, 7:15pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Damnit, get to the point!

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Ant,

I usually get right into the flow of your stories. This one not so much. I had to pause and think while reading. For example:

"Jodie scans the view round a little, a gate more cars. "

Characters were a bit hard to imagine. Interesting idea, didn't care for the ending too much.

Gl,

Tony
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: December 17th, 2015, 5:14am Report to Moderator
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toe/Tony - thanks for the reads really appreciated.

toe - Hammer House of Horror, high praise, many thanks love that show!

Tony - sorry mate, hopefully next one will be more up your alley.

Cheers

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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TonyDionisio
Posted: December 17th, 2015, 10:43am Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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Quoted from AnthonyCawood


Tony - sorry mate, hopefully next one will be more up your alley.


At the pace you are able to write, next one should be in... [checks watch]
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RichardR
Posted: December 17th, 2015, 12:26pm Report to Moderator
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Anthony,

this one works for me.  It reminds me of a story titled 'The Green Door' or Garden Door or something like that.  In any case, this one works.  If anything, you might find a way to ramp up her fascination and addiction to the girl's face.  It doesn't happen the first time or maybe not the second, but as she researches the fence, the property, missing little girls, etc., her obsession grows.  Until she joins the little girl.  Works for me.  
Good job.

Best
Richard
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: December 17th, 2015, 4:44pm Report to Moderator
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Tony - LOL, though slowing down on the Short scripts due to features taking a bit longer

Richard - thanks and glad you liked, i'll have a think re ramping her interest up.

Cheers

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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stevemiles
Posted: December 18th, 2015, 5:40pm Report to Moderator
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Anthony,

sorry, only just saw your reply -- no luck on the Dule Tree, a few bites here and there, but ultimately it's a tough one to film given the requirements.  Let me know if you make any big changes to this and want a second look.

All the best,

Steve.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: December 18th, 2015, 6:00pm Report to Moderator
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Shame Steve, it's a great script... have you put it on Inktip?

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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stevemiles
Posted: December 20th, 2015, 3:13pm Report to Moderator
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No, not tried Inktip yet -- I hear good things about it, though I just can't justify the $$ at the moment, least not for a short.  Maybe somewhere down the road...


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: December 20th, 2015, 3:20pm Report to Moderator
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Shorts are free on Inktip, it's features they charge for...email me if you need details.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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stevemiles
Posted: December 20th, 2015, 5:38pm Report to Moderator
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Ah, I should learn to read gooder...

Thanks.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: December 20th, 2015, 6:06pm Report to Moderator
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https://www.inktip.com/sa_short_script_listing.php

Inktip ask that you have your script registered, I use https://www.writevault.com/ for this, $10 a script...

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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DustinBowcot
Posted: December 21st, 2015, 4:16am Report to Moderator
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I just made up a bullshit registration number when I put a script in. I simply registered the script with myself. Easier and cheaper. Inktip never double checked.

I'll get to this story soon Anthony, mate. I'm a little ill atm, and Xmas this year has been very busy for me.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: December 21st, 2015, 5:02am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Dustin - did wonder if fake reg details would work, good to know. I use WriteVault as it seems to give me all the proof I'd need if someone did decided to rip off one of my scripts but at a lower cost than WGA etc...

And no worries re the read mate this time of year is insanely busy, and doesn't help if you are ill - get well soon mate.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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DustinBowcot
Posted: December 23rd, 2015, 8:47am Report to Moderator
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First thing I've noted is the missing hyphen with cross-legged.

Code

 a gate more cars.



Missing comma after 'gate'.

Code

GRADY
Now? It’s pitch black.



Nothing really wrong here... but I think the last sentence can be shown by a shot to the window, revealing the blackness of night. Perhaps his reflection stares back at him. But, like I said, there isn't anything wrong with how you've done it here either.

Code

GRADY
Dunno, it's dark, can't see much of
at all.


Missing word? Also mentioning that 'it's dark' mat be a bit overkill.

A ghost story... at least, I think that's what it is. A very sad ending though. Grady will probably get done for her murder, poor bugger. She could have written a note or something.

Not entirely sure what I'm supposed to take from this mate. I read one of your replies where you said this was for the Jameson thing.. and I know they want something uplifting, the question asked, what great things can happen when you allow good things in your life. Yes, this may be all well and dandy for Jodie, but what about poor Grady? Like I said, when people just disappear, sometimes murder investigations are launched, sometimes innocent people go to jail. Not such a happy ending.

As it stands, it's a decent story but lacks somewhat in that she seems to too easily walk intot he fence to become a part of this ghostly world. I think things should clearly fall apart in her life whilst this option is on the table, that she then takes up later on once the proverbial shit hits the fan.

Good luck with it. It's certainly worth putting some time in.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: December 23rd, 2015, 2:49pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read and feedback Dustin. appreciated as always.

The Grady angle, a good point, we wouldn't of course know what happens to him but he likely gonna get some shit... I will ruminate on it.

Many thanks

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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