SkullGummy: Out to Lunch by James Travers - Short, Children, Family - Tea Cup invites her friends to a luncheon on a fancy Yacht. Things don't go exactly as planned. 23 pages - pdf, format

SkullGummy: To the Movies by James Travers - Short, Children, Family - SkullGummy and the gang are on their way to see Star Wars VII The Force Awakens. Will they make it on time? 21 pages - pdf, format

Hi James,
I've just started to read SkullGummy, unfortunately I only made it to page 4. This might just be my own personal preference, but there just seemed to be too many big chunks of text on the page, quite a lot of it seems unnecessary too. For example, on page 1:

She takes a piece of candy out of her pocket. It's a red
skull shaped piece of gummy candy. She pops the candy into
her mouth and looks around for something else to film.

Would probably make a smoother, more enjoyable read if it was more like:

Her eyes scan the scene as she pulls out a skull-shaped piece of candy from her pocket and pops it into her mouth.

I'll read it properly tomorrow as I am quite intrigued by it.

Best  

Tony

Thank for the input. I'll see what I can do about shortening the descriptions. There are a few typos but it's a first draft.

Hi James,

I too looked at the script but felt it was too heavy on the description (action lines).  It read more like a story then a script.

I'm a little confused at the characters in this, Tea Cup as a name? Snakes?  Digger?  Are they human? Is this suppose to be an animation?  I'm just having a little trouble visualizing all of this.

I think this does have potential, just a little fixing up.

Hi Erica,

Thanks for reading - yes. they're all human. The character's descriptions are in the script. I write a lot of visualization into the script so that the readers can see what I have envisioned.

The kids give each other nicknames and use these instead of their proper names.

James,

Some thoughts. While you have given us some good characters and some engaging descriptions, the actio doesn't seem all story oriented. For example, you give us a scene where they are trying to retrieve a tackle box. But the tackle box is not retrieved and has no impact on the story. The characters may as well be skipping stones or swinging or something. Generally, when you introduce a detail like the tackle box, you use it later. The audience expects to see it again. It's a matter of setup and payoff.  When you introduce a setup, the audience expects a payoff, when you have a payoff, you need a setup.  The details you feed the audience are there for a reason.  

Think about the character who went shopping. Why introduce her?  She disappears as far as the story goes. It's not as she will arrive with burgers to save the day.  

Examine your story and ask yourself if every element is necessary. If not, dump it. As some wag of a writer once noted, you have to kill your darlings.

Best
Richard