The Last Frontier, INC by Samuel Klein - Short, Comedy, Sitcom - A hapless tennis instructor and his mismatched employees shamelessly attempt to make their low budget tennis club flourish in the unlikeliest of places... Alaska.  30 pages - pdf, format

Hi, I read it and I have some feedback.

Your biggest problem lies in story. Act Two does nothing to advance the plot. Act Three feels awkward, and the Tag seems to be important to the plot, which is not what tags are for. I also feel like this could really use a B story, maybe something with Alma. It seems weird that Ben doesn't appear after Act One. It would likely be less weird if we saw him in Act Two, maybe Danny tries to get Ben to help him brainstorm ways to get back their job, but Ben is too angry to be productive, and sends a nasty email to Seth (as you hinted he does in Act Three).

Here are my other notes. On page 3, Ben's line "okay" seems awkward, and unnecessary. Cut all unnecessary words from your script to help it flow. On page 7, instead of Ellen not noticing, an in-character reaction would be more comical, such as if she rolled her eyes. On page 10 it seems you have a typo, it should be snaps his finger at Danny, not at Ben. On page 16, the treatment of the customer seems unrealistic, it comes off as very rude. On page 27 there is a typo, you put Alm instead of Alma.

There were some things that I loved also, and I also wanted to let you know of those. I loved the line "I became one because my parents were wealthy and made weird investments." I also loved the joke about the cardboard cut out of Bob Saget. However, if that scene needs to be cut, don't let a great joke stop you from cutting it! And, of course, I loved the premise, which is both creative and familiar at the same time.

Samuel,

I've just started this, and I have some questions roiling around in my head.  First, what's up with the voice over?  If we need an explanation, then the story is not strong enough.  Also, how would Alaska have a tennis tournament in winter?  Why would there be a bear attack?  Unless it's a polar bear, wouldn't the bears be hibernating?  I could look that up, but I'm lazy, like your audience.

A few pages more.  And more voice over that shouldn't be needed.  Just show us the scenes.

And I don't find the jokes all that funny, but then, I don't write much comedy.  

Can you spare a few puns?  They get old in a hurry.

The continuing story is going to be the battle to keep the tennis facility and tournament, but where is the episode story?  I would think that you would include a story inside the larger story that can be ended by the show's end.  Didn't find it.

I can't say this is one that I would enjoy.  Far too little action and what is there doesn't read as all that original.  How many times can someone get a tennis ball in the gonads?  The individual characters are not bold enough.  Give alma some salsa.  Make the gay guy really gay.  Push them over the top.  Half of comedy is producing exotic characters.  Work at it.  

Best
Richard