Tracks by Jim So - Short, Drama - Two stressed out ski resort employees meet a free spirited hippie/graffiti artist in an abandoned train tunnel who introduces them to some unusual ways at looking at life. 14 pages - pdf, format

Jim,

Some notes.

The opening scene works for me.  Visual and the voice over adds to it.

The mom scene doesn't work.  It's been done how many times?  Something fresh?

I think the next slug should be int. instead of ext.  Since this is the only time we see Mikaela, why is she there?  Again, it's mostly cliche.

And the gas station scene is a riff on stuff done before.

I think this story begins at the lodge which means we've been through five minutes of stuff that won't matter.  

The music chat adds what?

We get to the tunnel, and we have some stuff that's OK but it doesn't really plow new ground.

Lots of talk but little action or conflict.

Then, we meet Django who spouts lots of psychobabble.  Free spirit trying to teach these guys something.  And then twerking.  you lose me there.  

I like the snow balls, but as the stress express?  I'll run with it.

Then, the inevitable I want to live some place else and contribute in some way...ok.

And then the platitudes at the end.  Is this a morality play?  Sorry, I don't buy the beating over the head.

You have an issue in some of the dialogue where you use separate paragraphs.  One paragraph with perhaps a parenthetical, but not two.  

If this story is truly about these two and Django, then skip all the run up and get to the meeting.  Then, have them do something together besides twerking and throwing snowballs.  That's the meat, give us much more of it.

best
Richard

This was difficult to follow... Probably because I'm not up with the language and boarding culture.

The first half seemed to just be interaction between people which didn't really lead anywhere.

Some grammar errors, spelling thew instead of threw on pg 6... Always have some action written after a slugline not straight to dialogue (TUNNEL)

Cheers
Chris