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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Tattooji - Filmed Moderators: bert
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  Author    Tattooji - Filmed  (currently 5544 views)
spesh2k
Posted: March 4th, 2016, 5:31am Report to Moderator
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Hey Anthony,

So, I liked the concept, though the constant cuts to the emoji expressions during their discussion seem a bit forced, at least to me, thinking about it visually.

The tone seemed a tad off... I really thought this was a comedy at first and then it got really dark all of a sudden. I would try to make Ben a little more unlikable from the jump. His ignorance at the beginning is silly and kind of endearing. Then to have him go off the rails like that out of nowhere...

Part of the problem is that Kaitlin is very unlikable in contrast... nobody likes a nag, even if she does have a valid point. I would make her less confrontational. Maybe show some past due bills or something like that. Maybe Ben blames her for not working enough, etc. She explains that she works a ton of hours, hasn't gotten her hair done in months and then -- she spots the fresh tattoo on his arm. He proudly shows it off and THEN she asks how much it cost. When he finally admits that it was 400, she almost cries. Threatens to leave him. And maybe THAT is what sets him off.

Not sure if that's the best way, but I'd definitely try to ease my way into the violence a little bit. Maybe she has a black eye or something.

The script was written well enough and concept was neat. Just thought the tone was off. With some tweaking of the characters, I think it's an easy fix.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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AnthonyCawood
Posted: March 4th, 2016, 7:15am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read Michael, all good points, very much in progress still on this one.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 28th, 2016, 5:20pm Report to Moderator
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Tattooji now sold to Vintage Productions in LA


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: April 29th, 2016, 2:10am Report to Moderator
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Cool - didn't think this would last long

Well done


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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DustinBowcot
Posted: April 29th, 2016, 3:38am Report to Moderator
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Nice work, mate.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 29th, 2016, 4:39pm Report to Moderator
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Tx Bill/Dustin, hope it comes out as well as Disruption did.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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DustinBowcot
Posted: April 30th, 2016, 3:22am Report to Moderator
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Nice to have things you're proud of in your portfolio. I'm hoping that once I have two or three decent shorts that I can show people without any embarrassment, that this will improve my chances of features being picked up. Not sure if it's the correct logic, but it seems pretty sound.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 30th, 2016, 3:53am Report to Moderator
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Not sure it's the right logic either Dustin, but I completely agree.

I want to be able to say I'm a produced screenwriter without having to caveat it in some way... so each one that gets optioned I hope that 1) they make it and 2) they make it well...

Looking forward to Christmas in Leningrad!


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Busy Little Bee
Posted: April 30th, 2016, 12:13pm Report to Moderator
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Great work, Anthony

I'm sure others have said the same. The description narrative was so good, the speed, the action. It was a quick and enjoyable read. The scene rose in the stakes as the two characters battled it out. Also, nice little "hook" with the "emoji tattoo."

BLB



Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 1st, 2016, 11:16am Report to Moderator
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Tx BLB, glad you liked.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: December 25th, 2016, 5:05am Report to Moderator
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Now filmed

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=alGdZpF4mcA

(Thanks to Warren for letting me know!)


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Don
Posted: December 27th, 2016, 11:58am Report to Moderator
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Administrator


So, what are you writing?

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Filmed:



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Warren
Posted: December 28th, 2016, 7:16pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Hey look a film actually got made.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: December 28th, 2016, 7:45pm Report to Moderator
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I've seen cuts of two more of my shorts that should be available in the new year... nothing for ages then three come along at once


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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JakeJon
Posted: December 29th, 2016, 11:39am Report to Moderator
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Anthony,
Insight required!   So I watched  TATOOJI ,  split screen with the intent of reading along with the script.  Lot's of changes to the script?    Did you work with the producer/director or did they have free rein to make changes?
Oh, I enjoyed the final result.

I've entered into discussions with a potential producer and have made a few minor changes to my script.  (I liked the suggestions made;  thought they enhanced the flow of the story).

How much re-writing did you do?   Were the changes agreed to verbally only?

I know you're probably busy so a word or two will more than suffice.

Thanks,

JJ


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