Tattooji by Anthony Cawood - Short, Drama - Tempers quickly fray when an inconsiderate boyfriend wastes their money on yet another useless gadget and she takes issue with his childish spending. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey Anthony.

To start off, the writing flowed real well.  An easy read for sure.

The story is where I'm on the fence.  (Spoilers)

I actually didn't see that this was a drama before I started reading this and, from the first half of the story, thought it was a comedy.  It only started shifting tone with the bathroom fight scene.  Honestly, I see this as more of a comedy than a drama if only for the fact that a tattoo which seems to be a dead giveaway for Ben's true feelings and motives could be more of a curse than a blessing.  I mean, imagine Ben trying to lie to Kaitlin about how fat her ass looks in a pair of jeans and all she had to do was look at that tattoo.  lol.

The tattoo as a catalyst to this argument isn't terribly necessary as well.  I mean, Ben could have bought any number of ridiculous things and the story would have played out the same more or less.  I guess I feel that the idea that this tattoo reveals his real thoughts is an idea that seems a bit wasted and was only really skimmed over in this story.

Just a thought but I would rework this one into a comedy.  I think a guy with a s*** emoji on his arm while getting caught up in a s*** situation is golden.  Good job in any case.

-John

Anthony,

Good job.  I like the idea, although I think it's too easy.  The tattoo is too passive.  It's a tattoo equivalent of a mood ring.  You might consider ramping it up.  Take it from a reflection of his emotions and moods to the impetus for his moods.  From there, you can take your story anywhere.

The pacing is good, and the characters are believeable.  Push the envelope on the tattoo, and you take us on a wild ride.

Best
Richard

John/Richard - thanks for the reads and comments, greatly appreciated...

John - straight comedy, hmm one to ruminate on... can see what you mean. and yes the Tattoo is a Mcguffin, but I think a very visual one ;-

Richrd - yep mood ring was on my mind, and as above essentially a Mcguffin... making it change his moods... interesting and another one on my ideas pad... though I'm pretty sure it was done on X Files (old series)... will have a ponder.

Again, thanks for the reads...

Anthony

Nicely written as always. I don't have any thoughts to share, I've just noticed that you like to add current tech/social elements into your scripts. I remember you had one about a 3D printer

Thanks Demento and yes, 3D printers, robot vacuums, smart watches, VR headsets, AI fridges... I do like a good gadget

Great idea, Anthony.

Reading it I just wished you used it in another direction, perhaps not outright comedy but definitely dramedy. Your opener does have a great  light and breezy vibe with the character,  but then it takes a dark turn via the domestic violence, which honestly didn't really rock my boat. If you do decide to use the tattoo emoji in a different direction might I suggest more of a Twilight Zone/Liar Liar hybrid I.e., perhaps he's cheating on his wife and the tattoo reveals each time contrary to what he says, his deception - perhaps likewise with his lover and he gets in a whole lot of mess trying to juggle the two situations. Whole different story, I know...

Like I said, love the premise but too grim for me and I do think it's ripe for some comic elements at least.

This was a cool read. I learn so much from quality written scripts.

*WARNING: FEEDBACK FROM A NEWBIE*

I got the comedy element in this all the emoji's, but like LC, it was a bit like oil and water to me with the DV undertone. Dark and light. It seemed to clash a bit. But saying that the story kept me enthralled throughout.

Great punchy writing.

INSERT EMOJI SMILEY FACE

Libby/cbead - thanks for the reads and feedback, really appreciated...

So i'm getting that the writing is okay, and the premise has legs but the switch into darker domestic violence territory is a struggle at present.

Which is why SS is so great, I will look at this again and I may take the premise of the tattoo/emojis and start again with a different treatment.

Wonder if I can combine it with a 3D printer

Anthony,

I almost had the urge to write these notes in emojis -- but outside of smiley face/sad face I’ve no idea where to start.  It’s like hieroglyphics for teenagers...

This definitely didn’t go where I expected it to, with the opening scenes (and the concept itself) more suggestive of comedy -- and this despite being clearly labelled drama in the log…

I like the idea of a Tattooji -- the 'wearer' essentially unable to hide their emotions.  Nothing wrong with what you’ve got, but it felt to me like the story quickly escalated to the extreme with the tattooji simply being used to represent Ben’s off-screen emotions.  Payoff wise it left me wanting.  The concept offers a lot of potential and I have to wonder where else you could take it.  

All the best,

Steve

I did wonder if I would feel the same as everyone else and I'm afraid that I do. This is a great idea, the execution is off.

If she's so scared of him, why would she argue so vehemently? She also goes to work...

The thing with work is that when she goes there, she is outside of his control. Domestic violence usually starts through one party wishing to control the other. They separate the victim from their friends and family, then set to work totally demoralising them, make the victim feel worthless until they are totally reliant on the abuser.

That's why this doesn't work... the shift in tone is too great. She goes from being confident in his presence to utterly terrified in a heartbeat.

Not sure if you should make it a comedy, but you should certainly get the tone right.

It is a great idea though and worthy of some extra effort.

Steve/Dustin - as always, thanks for the read and feedback, appreciated.

I'm re-thinking this, muse will no doubt give me a nudge in a few weeks

Cheers

Anthony

Anthony,

This is some of your most streamlined writing I've seen. Read very well, fast and to the point. I could go on! But what is the gist of the story here? I think I got everything fine, but I can't figure out what it really meant. Only thing I can think of is that this is the start of something bigger because, as is, it needs fleshing out. So the emoji changes faces and such with his moods, but... I don't know. I just really didn't get it as a whole, or so the bigger picture here.

Sorry if I might have repeated anything. Didn't read any comments on this.

Steve

page 1 - I actually thought Ben was ENTERING the tatoo parlour, until the new paragraph clarified he was leaving.
I love the 'scrawny runt' description.
page 2 - I got completely lost again - I thought for a while Ben had bought a new tablet or something and is showing it to her!
I really enjoyed reading it, I guess it's a chunk of something bigger, because it's pretty hopeless as it stands. I dare disagree with Dustin's theory, very often both parties of a relationship are equally bad and they can't help themselves but attack one another.

This one was nicely written. Very concise and very clean. But somehow there's a juxtaposition in it. Was this intentionally? The Tattoji, seems like it would come off very cartoony on screen, the changes of faces, yet there's domestic violence going on at the same time.

Wow, Anthony, that turned dark, really fast.

I'm not sure how brave she'd be knowing what he's like when he's drunk.  I think she's be scared of him.

I thought it was really good, and a story of far too many people.  

You could have her rub old bruises for that one line about how she's covered up the bruises.

Other then that, it was damn near perfect.  Very solid.  Very troubling.

Dan

Steve/Marcela/Kia/Dan, thank you all for the reads, really appreciated.

To answer a couple of points... there has been one previous incident of domestic violence, so her reaction isn't the same who's been through it repeatedly, imho at least.

Yep, there is intentionally meant to be a juxtaposition in the darkness of the scene and the emoji's. It's one of the things that feels 'off' to me about emoji's in general, is that they only represent certain emotions, and also superficially but they are becoming important to the youth generation.

Anthony

Hey Anthony,

Unfortunately, I don't think you're gonna get much from me that you haven't gotten from others, so I'll keep this brief.

Solid premise with lots of present as well as potential conflict, but the tattoo is superficial and underused, despite its potential to singlehandedly drive the plot. I also think the domestic-violence twist was too abrupt, unrealistic, and honestly a little trite. There's plenty of scripts out there about this sorta thing; what are you bringing new to the table? I mean, there's the tattoo replicating Ben's emotions, but again, it's superficial.

I've got more, but honestly there's very little I could say that hasn't already been expressed, so I'd just say definitely take the time to read over all the comments again. I think there's a lot of good stuff here. I also think the amount of recurring issues in the feedback compared to individual gripes is indicative of a reasonably strong piece of work, at least going into rewriting. You should know what the issues are and have your work cut out for you, but at the same time, there's not a laundry list of other things to cover. Very cut and dry, it seems to me.

In any case, I'll leave you with another good-idea-but-the-execution-needs-work type sentiment and a "not bad." It's sincere, of course, but how cliche, right? Good luck on this one.

Thanks James, really appreciate the feedback.

Anthony

Quoted from AnthonyCawood To answer a couple of points... there has been one previous incident of domestic violence, so her reaction isn't the same who's been through it repeatedly, imho at least.

Viewers aren't going to be able to tell that he's only done it once before from her reaction. All they will see is bruises and a wife beater, plural.

Good point Dustin... there's no bruises though, they're just an aside... might change the dialogue to to indicate it... reference a 'one off' or similar.

Rather interesting and well written. An a novel idea to boot. Not often enough I get to say that, like the Vancouver thing the other day.

I could see most of this working well as a short film. It does seem to be missing something though. Perhaps another scene before he meets Kaitlin.

R

Anthony,

Always a pleasure to read your stuff. Well written and a nice, quick read.

I love the concept. You tell the story of domestic violence in a new and interesting way. The emoji changing its emotions throughout works well and would be a nice visual should this be made. I do think the ending, or the build up to it could use some work. There's no real punch to it at the moment. She stabs at him with with a nail file and it ends. Nothing wrong with what's going on but to end like that seemed a bit flat.

Great idea though and nicely written.

Good luck,

Glenn.

Ren/Glenn - Many thanks for the reads, appreciated as always...

Will have a look at the 'missing' thingy once I figure out what it is

Cheers

Anthony

I wasn't really sure where this one was going.

I couldn't tell if it was going to be lighthearted and fun, or sick and twisted.  At times it felt like both.

I'm at the point where I want more from my shorts than just an interesting scene.  I'm looking for something deeper.  Unfortunately this wasn't the latter.

It was well written and flowed, but it was lacking any depth.

Thanks for the read Nomad, really appreciated.

Hey Anthony

I' m going to take a different view to others and say this is sound.

I agree that a touch of foreshadowing may be required and the escalation has to be handled differently but this has something about it. A concept with punch.

I agree that a quick tidy up on the tonal shift may be helpful but I don't see it as the game changer that others do.

Domestic violence does have various roots, many scenarios that play out. And the victim will often stand up for themselves before it goes sideways. Often life has got back to normal before it kicks off again, but a sense of fear would be worth having out there.

In short, I think the early stages are easy fixes. But the idea of domestic violence seen through an emoji tattoo - really sound.

One option is to shift the total POV to him. Let see it through his eyes. Hard work. Banter at work. Quick decision on the tattoo. Laughter over pints. And then the arguments

Or...

They once got matching emoji tattoos. The argument is over something else. We then see inner emotions through the change in both of their tattoos.

Also tidy work.

This should be picked up

All the best

Hi Bill and thanks for the read, appreciated as always.

As you've noted this one seems to be fairly polarising

Current plan is to leave it a few weeks and come back to it with a little perspective and all the helpful comments.

Anthony

Anthony,

I took a shot at rewriting the first few pages of your script because I'm in a writing drought and your script inspired me to...do something.  Thank you for that.

Glad that it inspired you Nomad but I'm still working on this myself so wouldn't be right to read your pages.*

Hope it's helped with your drought and given you the spark to go write something new?

Anthony

*Assume you haven't put your pages up anywhere, wouldn't want authorship to get confused.  

Hey Anthony,

So, I liked the concept, though the constant cuts to the emoji expressions during their discussion seem a bit forced, at least to me, thinking about it visually.

The tone seemed a tad off... I really thought this was a comedy at first and then it got really dark all of a sudden. I would try to make Ben a little more unlikable from the jump. His ignorance at the beginning is silly and kind of endearing. Then to have him go off the rails like that out of nowhere...

Part of the problem is that Kaitlin is very unlikable in contrast... nobody likes a nag, even if she does have a valid point. I would make her less confrontational. Maybe show some past due bills or something like that. Maybe Ben blames her for not working enough, etc. She explains that she works a ton of hours, hasn't gotten her hair done in months and then -- she spots the fresh tattoo on his arm. He proudly shows it off and THEN she asks how much it cost. When he finally admits that it was 400, she almost cries. Threatens to leave him. And maybe THAT is what sets him off.

Not sure if that's the best way, but I'd definitely try to ease my way into the violence a little bit. Maybe she has a black eye or something.

The script was written well enough and concept was neat. Just thought the tone was off. With some tweaking of the characters, I think it's an easy fix.

-- Michael

Thanks for the read Michael, all good points, very much in progress still on this one.

Tattooji now sold to Vintage Productions in LA

Cool - didn't think this would last long

Well done

Nice work, mate.

Tx Bill/Dustin, hope it comes out as well as Disruption did.

Nice to have things you're proud of in your portfolio. I'm hoping that once I have two or three decent shorts that I can show people without any embarrassment, that this will improve my chances of features being picked up. Not sure if it's the correct logic, but it seems pretty sound.

Not sure it's the right logic either Dustin, but I completely agree.

I want to be able to say I'm a produced screenwriter without having to caveat it in some way... so each one that gets optioned I hope that 1) they make it and 2) they make it well...

Looking forward to Christmas in Leningrad!

Great work, Anthony

I'm sure others have said the same. The description narrative was so good, the speed, the action. It was a quick and enjoyable read. The scene rose in the stakes as the two characters battled it out. Also, nice little "hook" with the "emoji tattoo."

BLB

Tx BLB, glad you liked.

Now filmed

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=alGdZpF4mcA

(Thanks to Warren for letting me know!)

Filmed:

Hey look a film actually got made.

I've seen cuts of two more of my shorts that should be available in the new year... nothing for ages then three come along at once

Anthony,
Insight required!   So I watched  TATOOJI ,  split screen with the intent of reading along with the script.  Lot's of changes to the script?    Did you work with the producer/director or did they have free rein to make changes?
Oh, I enjoyed the final result.

I've entered into discussions with a potential producer and have made a few minor changes to my script.  (I liked the suggestions made;  thought they enhanced the flow of the story).

How much re-writing did you do?   Were the changes agreed to verbally only?

I know you're probably busy so a word or two will more than suffice.

Thanks,

JJ

Will PM you JJ

Anthony,

Congrats and well done.  

Best
Richard

Hey Anthony,
     I knew this would get picked up.  Very nicely done.

But, there were so many changes to the script and the tattoo really didn't show up at all.

But, it was crazy intense.  

I'd be interested in what you thought of the finished product.  You can PM or email me if you want.  

Dan