My Name Is Nobody by Philip Gustavson - Short, Drama, Action - When Steve meets mysterious Rebecca one day, his life takes an unexpected turn. 5 pages - pdf, format

Philip,

Some notes.

I surmise that English is not your native language.  There are numerous mistakes in your writing that make reading it problematic.  I suggest you improve your writing skills, and in the meantime, find someone well versed in English who can help you.

This is a simple, straightforward story told as a flashback for the most part.  The logic of the story needs some work.  You have a love at first sight relationship that leads to a life of crime.  There is little back story for this.  Your ordinary young man is not going to start robbing people because he met a girl.  It can happen, but there should be some impetus.  
The want to get away.  She needs money.  Something.

And when you start a little story, you need to finish it.  They kidnap a George and then he's never shown again.  The audience needs some sort of resolution, and some reason why it's George and not a rich banker.  

then, they decide to start dismembering people just to do it and get caught.  These two teens, in handcuffs, manage to overcome two cops?  Sorry, you have to give the audience some way to see this.  Doesn't happen in real life unless they grab a cop's gun and shoot them.  

And a very predicable ending.  Young lovers separated by a gunshot.  

I recommend you read some screenplays from good writers and examine how they would build a story like yours.  How they would make the girl more irresistible and psychotic.  How they make the boy easily molded into what she wants.  Study how a good writer builds the story, taking it to where the stakes become very high indeed.  Then, devise a satisfying and surprising ending.  

Best
Richard

Philip,

This story didn't resonate with me because I felt absolutely no attachment to your two main characters at all. I thought it was written decent enough -- some minor formatting issues but nothing that really took me out of the story. Still, I wanted to know why they were playing these sadistic games and what it meant down the line. Well, it meant for Steve to meet his demise, but there are still a lot of blanks that need to be filled in that is necessary to give this story some weight. As is, we need more from these characters to explain why they're doing what they're doing. A little background. Just the girl having this sadistic nature with no explanation is not good enough.

The cut to's and the VO being placed in the wrong spot, like I said, didn't take me out. It was the story itself that did. But good luck moving forward. Look forward to seeing more of your work around here.

Steve

This little story seems to romanticise senseless violence towards other people but I don't think that was your intention... I am a little intrigued - what  had happened to these two young people that they feel like hurting the innocent? I'm sure there would be reasons, something to do with their upbringing etc,  and your duty as a writer is to go and explore those reasons!
By the way my native tongue is not English either, let's wish us good luck.