Bingo Man by Chris Beadnell - Short, Thriller - The small town of Harper’s Peak has had two young girls go missing in one month. Can this 8 year old girl’s imaginary friend protect her from being the next one caught? 16 pages - pdf, format

Chris,

Some notes.

Scene 1 works for me.  You show Kellie and what is going to be the meat of this short.

Scene 2 doesn't work for me.  It's an info dump, and I rarely like those.  Would it make sense to keep the audience in the dark for a bit longer?  A simple one sister thanking the other and perhaps referring to the 'trouble' would be enough.

Scene 3 is a mix.  Could be good but doesn't quite hit the mark.  Yes, Alice needs to set the rules.  No, she doesn't need to scare the little girl.  Or the little girl could ask.  "is it because of ..."  

Scene 4.  I don't see kellie at the airport.  Donna and Alice?  This is the conversation that should have been in scene 2.  Keep her home.  Don't let her go to the mill.  And a rush out the door.

Scene 5.  This works.  Car trouble.  Although you might have hinted at this in Scene 3.  Then, it doesn't come off as a necessary problem.

Scene 6.  We already know her car has problems.  All that is needed is reassurance from the principal and the time...3:45.

Scene 7.  Again, the fight seems too convenient--unless you've set it up before.  And you might think about putting Kellie and principal in office.  these kids won't fight right in front of her, but if she's looking out the window.  Of course, Kellie not listening works quite well.  Bingo strikes again.

Scene 8.  This one is confusing.  The principal asks a girl if she knows kellie, and the sis comes back, and so does a teacher who has been looking.  Doesn't wash.  Put this in the office.  Principal meets sis.  Kellie is gone.  Teach comes in to say kellie  isn't in the school (first choice).  Now, the hunt can begin.

Scene 9.  This works.  You might scrub it a bit, but it's what is needed and natural.  Two little girls.

Scene 10. Again, a nice short scene that works for me.  bingo man has come alive....

Scene 11.  Needed?  We know this is going to lead to an all-out search.  

Scene 12.  Very nicely done.  Bingo man can't save her.  We don't see much except Kellie's fear. Works.

Scene 13.  Needed?  You can save it if you simply have the police pick up Donna on her return.

Scene 14.  Not needed.  We can guess a third girl is missing.  

Scene 15.  Sisters argue, and I'm not sure why Kellie isn't there with them.  Why would she be with the police?  She as found the day before.  And why wouldn't the police come to her?

Scene 16.  This is a reveal, and it's OK.  You might rethink it.  Or you might find a way for Kellie to talk about Cindy.  Oops.....Mr. Bingo man said...

Scene 17.  This is the big reveal, and I like it.  There are some questions about how Kellie could do what she did without getting some blood on things, but I'll buy it.  

Nice job on the reveals.  You've led us down a path and twisted it at the end.  Rethink some of the scenes as they seem too long and off-base for me.  But a good job.

Best
Richard

Thanks a million again Richard.

With the second day, Kellie was  already back at home all the time. But the audience didn't know it.  The first reveal, that it wasn't Kellie missing, was done at the police station, her mum had taken her with her to sign her statement.  Donna knew Kellie was safe when the police picked her up at the airport, the vacant stare once the tears ran dry bit.

I can see how to reconstruct this a bit better from your feedback. There is a couple of scenes which could be reworked and allow others to be deleted. The Living room and Airport dialogue could be merged for sure.

I did add one more dialogue line for Alice in a recent revamp, which suggests Kellie's real father is in prison and for a long time. Just adds the hint of how she could do this.

Thanks again. Chris

Hi Chris,

Read it and liked the story a lot. I didn't see the twist coming either.

However, it is too long and rambling and needs editing. A lot of the padding in your action/description lines and in your dialogue actually lessens the impact of the story and the terrific twist.

You're making a few classic rookie mistakes - 'we see' too frequently is one of them. Also:  'just then' 'she then' 'Suddenly' 'In the office'

Unlike novel writing (as I'm sure you're aware) and prose, your script needs to be punchy yet economical without sacrificing colour and creativity.

Re: 'We see...' It's not necessary. You'll come up against quite a few screenwriting pedants who say categorically you should never use that preamble. I'm a little more flexible, but for the most part it's padding that isn't necessary. Just write the action as it happens as you want us to see it happen.

Who woulda thunk it?
Not sure Alice's rather glib reaction fits here, also makes her sound like a teenager.

Re Alice and Donna's conversation
'Does he cop all the blame as well?'

Instead of them talking about Kellie's imaginary friend and relaying it in the past, 'show' us.

There's too much talk (referencing what's gone on prior). Have Kellie actually get into trouble for something/do something, then blame it on Bingo, and Donna reprimand her for it - have it happen in the present. If you do it subtly it'll create conflict and add to the intrigue - is she telling the truth? What the hell is going on? etc.

Overall tighten things up:

Sound of car indicator. The car parks ('pulls in' would be better) in the school drop offzone.

It's all a bit once removed. Ask yourself: are we actually looking at nothing on screen in this scene, or at the road whizzing by, and hearing the audio of the car indicator? Simplify it, keep it active.  Example: Alice pulls off the main road into the school drop-off area.

Streamline your dialogue too, and get rid of extraneous stuff that doesn't add to the story:

So this afternoon I’ll pick you up
here at 3 o’clock OK? Don’t come
out the gate until you see my car.'

Either: 'I'll pick you up at three o'clock sharp'. or: 'Don't come out of the gate until you see my car, got it?' I'd go for the latter as it speaks to the current vibe of fear and her warning Kellie. Regardless, both sentences are not needed together, it loses its impact. If you do leave as is you could do with a comma after the pre-qualifier:
'So, this afternoon...'

Along the same lines there's no need to detail every single action:

Kellie moves forward and kisses Alice on the cheek.

She opens the car door, grabs her knapsack.

Alights from the car.

They wave to each other as Alice drives off.

Kellie kisses her on the cheek, grabs her knapsack, skips off. Alice waves, drives away.

I'd skip the airport scene dialogue or minimise it/incorporate it when they first sit down to talk. Just have Alice reassure Donna, then leave - no sitting down at the airport cafe it drags it all out unnecessarily. You lose valuable pace and the suspense you're trying to build.

We see her exclaim a profanity.

Have her voice it:

ALICE
Shit!

or:

ALICE
Fuck!

She burns her hand on that radiator too so incorporate her yanking her hand away.

In the office we see...'
Scrap the preamble. We already know we're in the office from the slugline.

PRINCIPAL ALBERTS, 49, stony faced and impeccably attired, speaks into the phone.

It's advisable to spell out numbers in dialogue i.e., three forty-five. You can google when to and when not to in writing fiction.

Would she really say:

I wouldn’t routinely
do this, but given the
circumstances at the moment.

I think that's exactly what teachers/a principal would do given the circumstances. Ask yourself though, is that dialogue even necessary? Imh, it doesn't add anything and once again is extra padding.

Kellie appears to be having silent conversation to herself.
'talking to herself' or having a silent conversation with herself

Get rid of imo: 'It has lost some of it’s earlier radiance.'
Btw - TYPO - should be 'its...' no apostrophe - not it's which is contraction of 'it is'.
A few flourishes are good but the 'earlier radiance' is overdoing it a bit, - describe the lost petals etc. Same with the 'pugilist', and 'scene of the crime' lines - it's just a bit overdone.

The pugilistic lad decides to bolt.He’s headedtowards the gate.
'Decides to' 'headed towards' - all this slows things down makes it less in the moment. These particular scenes need to read fast.

Same here: Delete 'Intercepted.' Mrs Alberts grabs him by the arm.
And here: A TEACHER moves to the aid of the fallen warrior. Bit much imo.

Suggestion: Mrs Alberts runs after him. or: tears off after him.

Just wait here for a
moment, please.

Delete 'just' - it's stronger without it - an order. She is a school principal after all.

Instead of:
She then turns her head to the right,
Kellie looks/peers down the street.

Oh look Alice, I’m Gwen Alberts, I
spoke to you earlier.

This'd read faster as:
I'm Gwen Alberts...'
Perhaps she
(extends her hand)
We spoke earlier.

Oh yea.
Should be:
Oh, yeah.

Just then a MALE TEACHER rushes up to the pair. Has a mobile phone in his hand.
Don't get in the habit of 'Just then' or 'Suddenly', like I said, it's not needed.

A MALE TEACHER rushes up to the pair, mobile phone in hand.
Will suffice.
See how your 'rushes' speeds up the action, but the 'just then' slows it.

Anyway, you get the gist.

Focus more on your main character, Kellie, (perhaps even Intercut some scenes) make her more enigmatic/alternatively appear as an innocent. Less on the build up with the sisters. Speed all the action up. Your story will be more effective with a good streamlining edit to punch it up. Bear in mind I'm in no way suggesting you do away with the natural rhythm and flow, but do experiment with what works best on the page to get your visuals across and make your dialogue pop.

It's a good story. Lots of potential for it to be great.  
Hope some of this helps.

Thanks for the thorough analysis Libby, I really appreciate it. I am trying to cut out the " we see"  and tighten up the writing. I suppose I am still essentially a novice but have developed heaps in the last couple of months primarily due to the analyses  here and by reading many scripts.

I knew this script was too long but the great feedback here has shown me where to focus the cull and merge. What you have pointed out all makes sense, it is very detailed and will help me so much. Thanks again for that.

Cheers. Chris

Chris, three-quarters of the battle is story and you've got a great story here with a terrific twist, so get cracking on another draft. Love the pic/poster for it too btw. Really creepy. I'd just add a few more drops of blood.

Put me down in the row of people that didn't see the twist coming. GREAT Job!

I cannot provide an in-depth analysis such as LC and Richard. But I will offer my words of encourgment. Good job.

Hey Chris

Nice story. I kind of foretell what was going to happen, but don't be discouraged. I liked the story and visuals. Just try to cut it down and you'll be good.

Also, I would think that the child would be kept inside while waiting for the parent to pick her up?

Hope this helps,
Gabe

Grim stuff, though it worked to hold my interest till the end.  The whole idea of kids and their ‘imaginary friends’ carries that creep factor -- the whole ‘what if?’  

Feels a little drawn out in places.  A few trims here and there could go some way to smooth out the story, i.e. bottom of p.3 you could lose the action after the kiss on the cheek.  Establish the relationship between Aunt and Niece and get out of the scene.

Dialogue’s not bad, though like Richard pointed out, the second scene throws a lot of info on the page.  They would already have spoken about why Donna wants Alice there -- recounting the info in this way sounds forced for the reader’s benefit (which it is) which kind of takes us out of the moment.  Always better to weave the mechanics of the story into the scene as subtly as you can.  If anything give us hints about the missing girls -- use that mystery to pull the reader in further.

p.4 -- Donna and Kellie sit at a table -- though the dialogue is from Donna and Alice?  Am I missing something?

All in all not bad -- I was waiting for Bingo Man to save the day and I kind of kicked myself for not seeing it sooner, so kudos on that.

Best of luck with this,

Steve    

Sorry to indulge, but Bingo Man (and Outcall) have made the final eight of The Monthly Film Festival (Feb-Mar0 out of Glasgow. Thanks to all who took the time to read and give constructive advice, these scripts were re-worked after I added them to SS and the polish was obviously effective.

http://tmff.net/winners/screenplay-competition/february-march/


Also, Bingo Man has been optioned by a film production company in Indiana after reading the script on SS.

And Bingo Man won 2nd place at TMFF Screenplay Competition

http://tmff.net/winners/screenplay-competition/february-march/

Well done, mate. It's the little things like this that keep us going until we make it. Keep it up.

Atta go - NOICE!

Kudos.

Richard