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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Filthy Animal Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: March 6th, 2016, 10:12am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Filthy Animal by Michael J. Kospiah - Short, Horror - A mysterious animal control officer shows an abusive dog owner what it's like to be an animal. 17 pages - pdf, format


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Posted: March 6th, 2016, 2:25pm Report to Moderator
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Michael,

This certainly took a couple turns I wasn't expecting. Good job on the first page -- I wanted Dwight dead immediately. However, by the end I was left feeling that true justice had not been served. I mean, yes it had, but the fight that closes this didn't leave me anyone to root for, or to empathize with. Fritzinger started out as that guy, and I was pulling for him and couldn't wait to see what he did next to Dwight -- that angle, had you stayed with it, would have been more satisfying for me.

The methods you used to give Dwight his comeuppance were effective in spots, and I understand what you were going for, yet ultimately you made me feel sorry for him. Getting pelted with rocks, and the fight at the end. Fritzinger gained empathy, then it was taken away. Angela the same. By the time all was said and done there was really no one left to like/root for -- except maybe the jogger!

Written very well, of course, and with your usual flair. Very visual, nice pace, very good set up. The ending left me feeling kinda empty, though.

Steve


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Logan McDonald
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Hey Michael,

I really liked this one. I was worried that this was going to go down the path of one of those fantasies people have after hearing about an animal abuse case; with Fitzgerald just torturing him. Fortunately you didn't and that’s great!

This felt very Twilight Zone-y; a classic morality tale about how you treat others but it didn't feel like it was pandering to the audience.

While its nice to see someone get their just due I'm happy you kept the graphic details. Its nice to challenge the audience by showing what they want to see but showing the harsh effects of their fantasy. As much of a jerk Dwight is he's still a person and his treatment still hard to read.

Dialogue was great, descriptions captured everything visually and the twists were unexpected.
Great job!

Logan.


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stevemiles
Posted: March 6th, 2016, 5:24pm Report to Moderator
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Michael,

Darkly toned and engaging read.  Felt the ending went against what we saw of Fritzinger’s earlier motives with the final scene taking something away from the idea of making Dwight pay for abusing animals.  I preferred the no-nonsense, yet seemingly selfless Fritzinger from the start -- that he’d be involved in dog-fighting at all seems an odd choice.  Maybe I could get with this more if Dwight had been involved in dog-fighting -- a poetic justice to the ending.  The continued punishment felt like it outweighed the crime and I came away almost sympathetic for Dwight.

That’s a gut response and I appreciate this is in line with your other shorts -- with that twisted, nightmare logic where you don’t dig too deeply and just enjoy the ride.  

Steve.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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spesh2k
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Thanks for the reads and comments... nice to hear from Steve, Steven (Miles)... and thank you, Logan.

I thought the same thing about the end (dog fighting)... I just didn't want to make the script TOO long. So I settle for an ending based on an idea I wanted to explore.

My original idea was:

After Dwight gets tagged by Fritzinger, he wakes up being operated on (due to his gunshot wound to the face). Then he wakes up in a Plexiglas cage in some shelter. Moments before he's about to be put down, he's saved by his ex-wife Angela. But in this version, Angela still treats him like a dog. Just like a PIT BULL. She brings him home (sure enough, he's transported in a doggy crate). And Dwight finds out that he is taken in by his ex and... the human version of Dwight. And I end the film w/ the dialogue "He's just a dog".

I did want to show him being fed scraps from the jogger, being stoned by children, etc. Which I still may be able to do w/ changes. But, in the doggy crate, from his POV, he's sees his owner... HIMSELF (Dwight).

But I thought that was too predictable and fit too perfectly. Which is why I went this route. But I'm seriously thinking about changing it. I know changing it would add a more HUMAN element to this story, more empathy for the characters, sometimes, adding emotion and empathy makes it very predictable (E.G. The Suicide Theory -- if you haven't seen it, see it). Because these "turns" that occur are something that WE want to happen. Though it may happen and satisfy us, last thing I want to be is predictable.


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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LC
Posted: March 7th, 2016, 7:22am Report to Moderator
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Michael, seventeen pages just flew by. Effortless, terrific writing, powerful subject matter, and I love that Dwight gets his comeuppance - up to a point...

SPOILERS


There's a real Twilight Zone vibe to this when Dwight transforms from man into dog and I enjoyed it overall.

Few points:

Is is really necessary for Fritzinger to shoot Dwight? I would have thought knocking him out and then him waking to his new fate might be enough torture. Particularly enjoyed the kids with the rocks (interesting observation, though) and the jogger throwing him the bagel. I thought for sure he was dead from that shot btw, so it was good to see the story evolve in an unexpected direction.

In the animal rescue scene FATHER saying: 'he's just a dog' echoes nicely with Fritzinger's original line: 'we're all something' - very nice, and nifty pickup later with: 'I'm not a fucking animal'.

Nitpicking: I'd select a word other than lackadaisical - though Dwight is resigned to a degree to his fate it seems a little too casual and indifferent a word to use. Jmh, of course. And I suppose at that point his fate hasn't yet been revealed to him... Hmm.

Bit curious what exactly Angela is looking at, man or dog, when she calls the dog 'Dwight' and gets in on the final act. But, nice commentary on domestic violence and all types of violence for that matter.

I'd perhaps rethink Fritzinger appearing in the final scene - I understand the full-circle what goes around comes around denouement however Fritzinger has a saviour good guy quality to me, and for him to be a part of the final showdown and responsible for dishing out the justice with the original dog - I dunno, it's clever but also a bit convenient that he and Angela all end up in the same place. I think he already played his part and Angela is more than enough to dish out the final retribution on her own - perhaps she now owns the original dog? You could of course argue that this is part of the Twilight Zone, entering another dimension etc.

I also felt (like some other comments I've read now) that I (almost )wanted to save Dwight in the end, and I felt sorry for him, and consequently disliked Angela, and I'm not sure that should be the case. I'm of two minds really, perhaps that's the whole point - Dwight apologizes for his previous sins, yet we don't believe he's reformed - it's too fast - he'd need to be enlightened to a far larger degree for that to actually happen. He is what he is. We don't believe he'll ever be anything other than an animal.

My view is that this is a cautionary tale, that we can all so easily succumb to violence and revenge. On paper and on screen there's easily a case for Dwight getting exactly what he deserves. But what of the now rather dubious moral qualities of everyone else involved? They're now surely no better than him, including the dog who is now a vicious animal.

Is the point then that in the end we are all animals and that violence meted out to someone who deserves it, is justified? I'm thinking capital punishment?

It's certainly thought provoking on a lot of levels.  

Judging by your own comments I just read, I suppose it comes down to what you're trying to say. If you return to your original theme and the message you're trying to convey (if indeed you are going for that) that might decide the ultimate denouement for you.

As is, I came away from it thinking that none of these characters learn anything or act to a higher moral code as a result of being pushed to the point of violence/seeing violence etc., and that this cycle of violence is the natural by product. The organized dog fights at the end puts quite a different slant on things.

Minor typo: p.8 'Hands the it back to Dwight...'
delete the 'the'.

I'm on the fence re your title - I agree 'Animal' has to be a part of it, definitely.

Anyway, despite all my rambling, this is an impressive script. You definitely got me thinking and I'll be interested to read any further drafts if there are to be any.


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spesh2k
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Hey Libby, thanks for reading!


Quoted Text
Is is really necessary for Fritzinger to shoot Dwight? I would have thought knocking him out and then him waking to his new fate might be enough torture. Particularly enjoyed the kids with the rocks (interesting observation, though) and the jogger throwing him the bagel. I thought for sure he was dead from that shot btw, so it was good to see the story evolve in an unexpected direction.


I guess I was trying to be metaphorical here in a way... his dog was wounded both mentally and physically. A gunshot to the face takes care of the physical part. And, of course, if someone gets shot in the face, you'll assume they're gonna die. But, I kept him alive. I was actually watching Fargo not too long ago and maybe I was subconsciously thinking of the image of Steve Buscemi's character running around with a gunshot wound to his face.


Quoted Text
Bit curious what exactly Angela is looking at, man or dog, when she calls the dog 'Dwight' and gets in on the final act. But, nice commentary on domestic violence and all types of violence for that matter.


She's looking at both man AND animal. By her calling him "Dwight", there's just enough human left of him... after he's saved, he apologizes profusely. He's happy to be out of there, happy to see the wife he abused (which I should probably have made more clear -- at the beginning I have him say "I never laid a finger on her" -- he was lying). There's just a little piece of that human being he once was, perhaps at the beginning of their relationship. But then, in the car on the way to the dog fight, he's kind of an asshole again. He transformed into an "animal" long before Fritzinger came to his home. He was an animal to his wife and took a lot of it out on her dog.


Quoted Text
I'd perhaps rethink Fritzinger appearing in the final scene - I understand the full-circle what goes around comes around denouement however Fritzinger has a saviour good guy quality to me, and for him to be a part of the final showdown and responsible for dishing out the justice with the original dog - I dunno, it's clever but also a bit convenient that he and Angela all end up in the same place. I think he already played his part and Angela is more than enough to dish out the final retribution on her own - perhaps she now owns the original dog? You could of course argue that this is part of the Twilight Zone, entering another dimension etc.


I was thinking the same thing, too. I wanted to explore the brutality of animal abuse. And dog fighting is a perfect example. But having Fritzinger show up at the end kind of defies that nobility he exuded earlier. But, as Fritzinger says, "We're all something, aren't we?"

Where I was trying to go with Fritzinger is that fantasy any animal lover shares about giving an animal abuser his comeuppance. Perhaps even giving the animal abuser a fate far worse than his abused dog's. But what does that make us? It shows the brutal nature and instincts that we as humans have and we try to pass it off as "justice".


Quoted Text
My view is that this is a cautionary tale, that we can all so easily succumb to violence and revenge. On paper and on screen there's easily a case for Dwight getting exactly what he deserves. But what of the now rather dubious moral qualities of everyone else involved? They're now surely no better than him, including the dog who is now a vicious animal.

Is the point then that in the end we are all animals and that violence meted out to someone who deserves it, is justified? I'm thinking capital punishment?

As is, I came away from it thinking that none of these characters learn anything or act to a higher moral code as a result of being pushed to the point of violence/seeing violence etc., and that this cycle of violence is the natural by product. The organized dog fights at the end puts quite a different slant on things.


It is a cautionary tale, as were most Twilight Zone episodes. And of course, Twilight Zone was a huge influence on me as a writer (e.g. The Suicide Theory). And it is a circle. It's not quite suggested clearly, but Dwight was most likely a damaged person already. And he's damaged others (human and canine). He goes through something that, unfortunately, too many dogs, (especially PIT BULLS) and too many PEOPLE, go through. And like so many of these "vicious" PIT BULLS, their viciousness came from being damaged. His ex-wife Angela is vicious b/c of their unhealthy relationship. Fritzinger is vicious in his own way. And, at the end, the final showdown with the PIT BULL he abused... that dog is vicious b/c of Dwight's abuse. It's just an endless circle. And it's unfortunate.


Quoted Text
Anyway, despite all my rambling, this is an impressive script. You definitely got me thinking and I'll be interested to read any further drafts if there are to be any.


Thanks, Libby!

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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Quoted from spesh2k
... I was actually watching Fargo not too long ago and maybe I was subconsciously thinking of the image of Steve Buscemi's character running around with a gunshot wound to his face.

Ah, I should have got that! Love that scene, it's so horrifically funny.


Quoted from spesh2k
... He's happy to be out of there, happy to see the wife he abused (which I should probably have made more clear -- at the beginning I have him say "I never laid a finger on her" -- he was lying). There's just a little piece of that human being he once was, perhaps at the beginning of their relationship. But then, in the car on the way to the dog fight, he's kind of an asshole again. He transformed into an "animal" long before Fritzinger came to his home. He was an animal to his wife and took a lot of it out on her dog.

I don't think you need worry about this. All this was perfectly clear to me, i.e., that he was lying, a thug all round etc. So I think you did your job fine there.

Quoted from spesh2k

I was thinking the same thing, too. I wanted to explore the brutality of animal abuse. And dog fighting is a perfect example. But having Fritzinger show up at the end kind of defies that nobility he exuded earlier. But, as Fritzinger says, "We're all something, aren't we?"

Funny, I took the 'we're all something' to mean, no matter what we are, animal, human being - we're all worthy, that being an animal doesn't make it of lesser value. Was my interpretation wrong there?


Quoted from spesh2k
Where I was trying to go with Fritzinger is that fantasy any animal lover shares about giving an animal abuser his comeuppance. Perhaps even giving the animal abuser a fate far worse than his abused dog's. But what does that make us? It shows the brutal nature and instincts that we as humans have and we try to pass it off as "justice".

Succinctly put. I got pretty much all of what you were trying to get across.

Big Twilight Zone fan myself btw.


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spesh2k
Posted: March 8th, 2016, 12:53am Report to Moderator
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@ Steven Miles


Quoted Text
Felt the ending went against what we saw of Fritzinger’s earlier motives with the final scene taking something away from the idea of making Dwight pay for abusing animals.  I preferred the no-nonsense, yet seemingly selfless Fritzinger from the start -- that he’d be involved in dog-fighting at all seems an odd choice.  Maybe I could get with this more if Dwight had been involved in dog-fighting -- a poetic justice to the ending.  The continued punishment felt like it outweighed the crime and I came away almost sympathetic for Dwight.


Yeah, I kinda felt that way, too. But the Fritzinger character himself isn't a moral character. He pretty much is that mysterious, ominous "Angel of Death" kind of character. More than anything, he represents and expresses that fantasy that a lot of animal lovers (such as myself) would have when running into an animal abuser. Yes, the way Dwight is punished maybe goes too far. But that fantasy animal lovers would have usually exceeds the punishment that perhaps is deserved. Which is animalistic on our part. Fritzinger represents US. Dogfighting is animal abuse, yes, but would we not want to see Dwight, after hurting that dog the way he did and most likely his ex-wife, get torn to shreds by that PIT BULL he abused? An animal lover, ideally, would. But at the same time, it's barbaric and we'd probably cringe at the sight of that.

On the flip side, we feel sorry for Dwight. But he was an "animal" long before Fritzinger shows up at his house. And though we feel sorry for him, he gets what WE humans (albeit barbaric and perhaps wrong) thinks he deserves. Just like we feel sorry for an abused PIT BULL. But when that PIT BULL brutally tears someone to shreds, do we think about his damaged past? No. But that PIT BULL is damaged. Angela (his ex-wife) has been damaged. And now Dwight is damaged. Now, is there still hope for a damaged PIT BULL? Yes, I've seen it a million times in those Animal Planet shows/videos. A new family takes them in and treats them right. But too many times, sort of like "re-formed" criminals leaving jail, they attack. Sometimes, the damage never really goes away. And it's kinda sad. And that's the angle I went for in this story -- I know, a bit of a bummer, but that's the direction I went.

I'm still re-considering the ending, though, as well as some other parts I may (or may not) rewrite.


Quoted Text
That’s a gut response and I appreciate this is in line with your other shorts -- with that twisted, nightmare logic where you don’t dig too deeply and just enjoy the ride.
  

Thanks, Steven, though I feel I dig a little deeper into this story than it may appear, especially in contrast to other schlocky horror stuff I've written. I try not to hammer you over the head with obvious themes (I try to be subtle in the "message" and explore several different ways of looking it). I guess I was trying to leave the audience with questions whilst concluding the story w/out an open ending. Sure, there's the violence (yeah, I wasn't very subtle with that -- I rarely ever am), but there's a root to that violence that comes from depths I try not to force on everybody. Maybe I need to execute a clearer message, but the clarity, I feel, takes away from the complexity of the message, gives you less to the think about. Meh, I could be wrong. But that's just my opinion.

@ Libby


Quoted Text
Funny, I took the 'we're all something' to mean, no matter what we are, animal, human being - we're all worthy, that being an animal doesn't make it of lesser value. Was my interpretation wrong there?


No, it wasn't wrong, it was just only one part of the meaning.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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rendevous
Posted: March 8th, 2016, 1:39am Report to Moderator
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Spesh2K,

What happened to Spesh1K? Is there something we should know?

Interesting choice for an opening image. I'd have gone with something else, as it could be a gift for reviewers who disliked your story.

Still, considering the subject matter I suppose it's more suitable than usual.

I read though it easily enough. Always a good sign. I was pulled up at the end of page seven as the last line appears to be exaclty the same as a Tim Roth line as Mr. Orange line from Resevoir Dogs.

He said it when telling a story in the club scene about cops hanging about in a bathroom. You can have similar lines, but when they seem word perfect it's going to cause problems. That line is rather too memorable to use.

Story kept me interested. Weird and surprising. Sometimes perhaps too surprising. Though I'd be in the camp of going with it if I saw it.

If the guy playing Dwight was good enough to be a convincing thug at the start and also good enough to elicit (some) sympathy from the audience then it'd work on screen. It would also be nice if he exhibited some subtle but definite dog habits.

I think there'll also be a camp of folks for who this wouldn't work at all. Still, that's alright. It would be somewhat weird if everyone liked something as out there as this.

I liked it. There's some choices in there I wouldn't have gone with. Then again, me not you.

Now, me off to walk my dog lest he turns on me and becomes my master.

R


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spesh2k
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Hey R,


Quoted Text
What happened to Spesh1K? Is there something we should know?


Spesh was a nickname back in the day, way back during that Y2K craze in '99 heading towards the new millennium. So I combined it because I'm a douche


Quoted Text
Interesting choice for an opening image. I'd have gone with something else, as it could be a gift for reviewers who disliked your story.


Yeah, I think about that a lot with titles, too, thinking about how they'll use it as a pun in a negative review. And I did think about that when I initially decided to open on a dog turd. Then I thought about it and said, fuck it.


Quoted Text
I was pulled up at the end of page seven as the last line appears to be exaclty the same as a Tim Roth line as Mr. Orange line from Resevoir Dogs.

He said it when telling a story in the club scene about cops hanging about in a bathroom. You can have similar lines, but when they seem word perfect it's going to cause problems. That line is rather too memorable to use.


Oh, yeah, the "panic/bucket of water" bit at the end of page 7 (used in Tim Roth's story when he sees the cops in the bathroom). I don't think it's a big deal, I used it in description, not dialogue. Not sure how the viewer will know I used that in the description unless they filmed it with a camera pointed at some dude in a chair, reading the script aloud.


Quoted Text
Story kept me interested. Weird and surprising. Sometimes perhaps too surprising. Though I'd be in the camp of going with it if I saw it.


Noice.


Quoted Text
If the guy playing Dwight was good enough to be a convincing thug at the start and also good enough to elicit (some) sympathy from the audience then it'd work on screen. It would also be nice if he exhibited some subtle but definite dog habits.


When he is in the animal shelter, he is twitching in his sleep, whimpering, having a bad dream... I should have added "like a dog". But that's the only dog habit I really gave him.


Quoted Text
I think there'll also be a camp of folks for who this wouldn't work at all. Still, that's alright. It would be somewhat weird if everyone liked something as out there as this.


I agree. That's why I like short films, they can "afford" to take chances (if the budget isn't insane) that features can't really afford to take with box office numbers and money on the line.


Quoted Text
I liked it. There's some choices in there I wouldn't have gone with. Then again, me not you.

Now, me off to walk my dog lest he turns on me and becomes my master.


Thanks, R, appreciate it, thanks for the feedback!

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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Athenian
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Hi Michael,

I liked a lot your script, but also your replies in this thread - especially your comment about Angela and the pit bull having become vicious themselves. It shows that this is more than a comeuppance story.

Not much to add to the detailed reviews you've got, but here's one thing I found strange: Why didn't Angela take the dog with her after the divorce? And why did Dwight keep it even though he hated it? You should probably explain that in the script (unless I missed something).

Finally, at some point I thought Dwight hadn't actually survived the gunshot and everything that followed was actually his descent into Hell. In that case, Angela might have been dead too (because of him?), which could give the story a new dimension. Not sure, though, whether that would align with your intentions.

Great writing and a powerful and fascinating script. Good luck with it.

Manolis
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Dreamscale
Posted: March 9th, 2016, 11:48am Report to Moderator
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Hey Michael, what's up?  I haven't read or reviewed anything in some time, and had some free time this morning, and the first script I came across was yours, so I thought "why not".

I have to be honest and tell you I really don't get it, and that's mainly because I don't know what I'm supposed to be seeing, in terms of Dwight "the dog".  I also don't understand why no one helps him...unless he has somehow actually changed into a dog, but you never make that remotely clear.  Also, since he seems to be talking still, it's impossible to really "know" what anyone sees or hears in the story.

A few things you may want to look into and change, technically...

You use several POV shots, but never return to scene.

Your Slugs are problematic throughout.  You have basically the same scene back to back, but use different headers - "DWIGHT'S YARD", then "DWIGHT'S HOUSE".  Your time elements are all over the board, some of which should be SUPERs, other times missing completely.  One early scene is a classic mistake, IMO, in which you have an EXT scene/shot of the white van (moving).  You label it, "EXT. - WHITE VAN (MOVING) - STREET - DAY.  So, basically, you have 2 subjects here - the white van and a street.  What would I recommend?  EXT. - XZY STREET - DAY. I'd then open with something like, "A windowless, unmarked white van cruises through a suburban neighborhood...blah, blah, blah.

You opening doesn't let us know whether it's night or day, and even inside a house, it would be either light or dark, which is important.

For some reason, you don't name many of your characters and continue to CAP them every time they're in the script (PIT BULL many, many times).

I'm not sure why so many writers do this, as it makes no sense to me and makes the read unclear, but many of your action/description lines have no subject, meaning we have to assume who is doing the action.  To me it's a big mistake.

It seems like everyone loves the story and your writing, so take what I say with a grain of salt.

Interesting idea and angle you took here.  It doesn't work for me though, sorry to say.

best of luck with it, bro.
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spesh2k
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Hey Jeff, good to see you on the boards again. I've always valued your opinion.

My use of POV --

Yes, technically I should use BACK TO SCENE (although its use has been pretty loose in a lot of scripts) when leaving a POV shot. I do feel that its kind of a waste of space, though, especially if it's obvious that we're no longer in a POV shot, e.g. changing the direction of action without BACK TO SCENE taking up a whole line. I used it "correctly" on page 1,  mainly because the scene ends on a POV shot. I used it "wrong" on page 13... I could have inserted a BACK TO SCENE before "Employee shakes his head, walks away." But again, I felt it was a waste of a line. And once I jump to a mew action paragraph, I feel it's implied that we're no longer in a POV shot. And BACK TO SCENE isn't there to impede the momentum of the read. BACK TO SCENE is more often used when INSERTING an image, e.g. a photo, the time, a text message, TV image, etc. I really don't feel my omission of BACK TO SCENE confuses the read, though it seemed to throw you off. The BACK TO SCENE rule isn't nearly as set in stone as the basics.

In regards to my slugs --

Thanks for catching DWIGHT'S HOUSE when it should have been DWIGHT'S YARD. As for my time elements, the only one I can pinpoint is SEVERAL DAYS LATER, which comes after a scene ends with DAY and NIGHT flashes by several times. I should have/could have written DUSK or EVENING.

Another one is THE NEXT DAY a few pages later. I think using SUPERS every time to indicate how much time has passed (when we don't see the change from day to night) would be a tad excessive. I use THE NEXT DAY to inform the reader that it is the next day... the character is in the same room, away from EXT light. On screen, it would be clearer to the viewer that a day has passed via time cuts. If I mentioned only DAY again in the slug, how else would the reader distinguish whether or not it's the same day or the next day?

"EXT. WHITE VAN (MOVING) - STREET - DAY"

I wanted focus on the white van... we are following the white van via an EXT shot. If I did:

EXT. STREET - DAY

Then mention the white van, what do we see? We see a white van driving down a street -- I picture this from afar for some reason rather than us moving with the car. I probably should've left out STREET in the slug and describe where the van was moving (I think I do anyway).

In regards to not using a subject in an action line --

I realize it isn't grammatically correct to NOT use a subject... BUT... screenwriting in particular tends to (and allows us to -- to a point) to bend and break Grammar 101 rules. When I don't use a subject in a sentence, it's because the sentence comes after dialogue spoken by the character/subject in question. Once an action is made by a different subject/character, then I'll use a subject in the sentence. Otherwise, wouldn't it be redundant to have --

DWIGHT
The fuck is this?

Dwight looks up at WOMAN JOGGER, incredulous.

Even the use of "he" is unnecessary due to the fact that WOMAN JOGGER (a she) is mentioned in the same sentence. They are the only characters interacting with each other in the scene. Taking out the subject (after the subject/character speaks), at least IMO, makes the read more continuous and fluid in terms of the momentum of the written action.

My opening --

We open on an image.We don't know we're in a house. We don't know whether its night or day -- so why write it in a slug if the audience doesn't see it? The way it is written is very easy to follow and, most importantly, visual. It's easy to see that we're inside just by mention of "the carpet"... we don't know where, our view is floor level. And it IS technically correct... opening on an image without an INT/EXT slug is a technique often used, especially to open a film -- though I wouldn't suggest it to a novice writer).

RE: Not naming all my characters --

IMO it isn't necessary to name a character if a name isn't used (which is why I often CAP bit characters). How do we know their name is "Joe" if nobody refers to him using that name? You don't see a CONSTRUCTION WORKER in a film and see him listed in the credits as "Joe"... who the fuck is Joe?

As for CAPPING --

In features, which I'm more accustomed to writing, I CAP bit characters and keep them CAPPED if they only appear once or twice. I realize that it stands out more in a 15 minute film where appearing once or twice is a fair amount of screen time. Plus, in this one, thise CAPPED characters have dialogue, so I totally get what you're saying. The reason I CAP PIT BULL throughout is because the dog is not human, yet interacts. Maybe it's just me but when I read action, I tend to get lost easy in a sea of words -- that's probably why I do it.

A lot of these "classic mistakes" you speak of aren't really mistakes at all... you've subscribed to one particular way of writing a script when methods and techniques are CONSTANTLY evolving. I'm not dismissing your technical observations completely, but the way I write has worked pretty well for me. Though I can always improve... and I'm sure a lot of what you said will sink in after further thought and I'll probably be like, "Damn, Jeff was right." Which has been the case before

As for the story, I had a gut feeling you wouldn't like it lol, pretty sure you haven't liked anything I've ever written. But I do need, as all writers do, a "different" opinion. You want to look at your story from as many different angles as possible, and I really appreciate it, dude.

Thanks for taking out the time to read and comment!

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2


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spesh2k  -  March 9th, 2016, 6:40pm
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James McClung
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Hey Michael,

I dug this one a lot. I agree with some of Jeff's comments about the format, but while some changes would be nice, the way the script's written now didn't bother me as much as I think it would've if the story didn't hold my interest. The story doesn't quite fit in a box either, but I kinda liked that.

Again, as Jeff said, it isn't explained exactly what's going on, but I think that lent itself to the confusion and frustration of being an abused dog. It also adds a sinister clandestine aspect to whatever supernatural powers are at play, as if confusion is part of the perpetrator's means of disarming the victim. There's a few horror movies doing this nowadays, e.g. The Witch. I appreciate the approach if handled properly, and even so, we can deduce that Fritzinger is a supernatural entity and that something happens when he shoots Dwight in the face.

The ending was pretty brutal but satisfying. I knew what you were going to do as soon as I saw the slug, and thought, "Damn." Definitely ice cold. In any case, unlike others, I didn't have an issue with there being no one to empathize with in the end, except for Dwight, I suppose, nor do I think that even has to be the case generally speaking. The unfairness of it all also lends itself to the concept of Dwight as an abused dog.

All that said, not sure how much of this was intentional. In fact, a lot of the things I enjoyed could've easily been the result of shortcomings. But sometimes I like works to be a little rough around the edges, and increasingly in horror/supernatural-themed stories, I like for there to be an element that remains in the dark and can't be fully unpacked by the audience.

So yeah. Not perfect, but an engaging read, for sure.


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spesh2k
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@ Manolis

Thanks for reading/commenting!


Quoted Text
I liked a lot your script, but also your replies in this thread - especially your comment about Angela and the pit bull having become vicious themselves. It shows that this is more than a comeuppance story.


Thank you. It IS much more than comeuppance story... but, if this were a film, I wouldn't be there to tell you what the story is really about (unless there were a Q and A after -- which I've done before at screenings... and choked, not being able to explain shit). The film, just like anything and everything, is open for interpretation.


Quoted Text
Not much to add to the detailed reviews you've got, but here's one thing I found strange: Why didn't Angela take the dog with her after the divorce? And why did Dwight keep it even though he hated it? You should probably explain that in the script (unless I missed something).


Some things are better left off screen as it A) Doesn't add to the story B) Impedes the momentum of the story. As to why Angela didn't take the dog with her after the divorce... she just took off and left. She was damaged, hurt by Dwight. And, as an imperfect human being (which is redundant -- human beings are imperfect), she probably worried more about herself leaving. Also, Dwight is such a monster, it's probably best (for her) that she left as quickly as possible. In my head, I pictured her just leaving a note behind... the note being read long after she left forever.


Quoted Text
Finally, at some point I thought Dwight hadn't actually survived the gunshot and everything that followed was actually his descent into Hell. In that case, Angela might have been dead too (because of him?), which could give the story a new dimension. Not sure, though, whether that would align with your intentions.


Interesting thought. Like I said, open to interpretation.

@ James McClung

Nice to hear from you, dude, long time no see!


Quoted Text
I dug this one a lot. I agree with some of Jeff's comments about the format, but while some changes would be nice, the way the script's written now didn't bother me as much as I think it would've if the story didn't hold my interest. The story doesn't quite fit in a box either, but I kinda liked that.


Not quite sure what formatting issues you had in mind... but as long as the story held your interest...


Quoted Text
Again, as Jeff said, it isn't explained exactly what's going on, but I think that lent itself to the confusion and frustration of being an abused dog. It also adds a sinister clandestine aspect to whatever supernatural powers are at play, as if confusion is part of the perpetrator's means of disarming the victim. There's a few horror movies doing this nowadays, e.g. The Witch. I appreciate the approach if handled properly, and even so, we can deduce that Fritzinger is a supernatural entity and that something happens when he shoots Dwight in the face.


It's not just horror movies doing this... "Groundhog Day" ever explained anything. "Field of Dreams" never really explained anything. There were no technical explanations for pretty much every episode of "The Twilight Zone". As for Jeff's comment on how we don't know how other's are perceiving Dwight -- when he's in the kennel, Dwight is screaming and begging. From EMPLOYEE'S POV, it sounds like BARKING. To others, he is an animal... he still sees himself as human.


Quoted Text
The ending was pretty brutal but satisfying. I knew what you were going to do as soon as I saw the slug, and thought, "Damn." Definitely ice cold. In any case, unlike others, I didn't have an issue with there being no one to empathize with in the end, except for Dwight, I suppose, nor do I think that even has to be the case generally speaking. The unfairness of it all also lends itself to the concept of Dwight as an abused dog.


Not sure if "empathize" is the right word. I feel like we can empathize with a lot of characters, not just in this script... the media often tries to empathize with criminals, bringing up their backgrounds, how they grew up, etc. I think the word is "sympathize". We can't really sympathize with any of these characters, but I feel like we can empathize.


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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James McClung
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Quoted from spesh2k
Not quite sure what formatting issues you had in mind... but as long as the story held your interest...


Namely the slugs. You have two scenes which begin with no slugs at all. I went with it, but it took a minute to find my bearings. The times are also inconsistent, as Jeff mentioned. I'm also agreed on using repeatedly caps for characters.

I didn't really go into formatting as Jeff pretty much took care of that and then some. I also mentioned it didn't detract from the read, so there's that as well.


Quoted from spesh2k
It's not just horror movies doing this... "Groundhog Day" ever explained anything. "Field of Dreams" never really explained anything. There were no technical explanations for pretty much every episode of "The Twilight Zone". As for Jeff's comment on how we don't know how other's are perceiving Dwight -- when he's in the kennel, Dwight is screaming and begging. From EMPLOYEE'S POV, it sounds like BARKING. To others, he is an animal... he still sees himself as human.


I haven't seen Field of Dreams, but in the case of Groundhog Day, there's only one element that's not explained. I suppose the distinction I'd make here is that there're multiple question marks floating around at one time essentially from the moment Dwight wakes up. Is he dead, and if not, what happened in the previous scene and what's going on now? What's Fritzinger's role, if any? Is he a dog or a human?

Furthermore, it seems a little ambiguous whether Angela sees him as a dog or a human and if she knows what's going on here. "Sorry doesn't fix things" is a pretty direct and specific line, which suggests she knows who/what he is. The fact that she picks up a weakened "dog" to fight against the other suggests this as well. Otherwise, that'd be a major issue to address.

Like I said, these are all things that provided a certain mystique to the script. I just wanted to clarify my comments/draw a distinction here.


Quoted from spesh2k
Not sure if "empathize" is the right word. I feel like we can empathize with a lot of characters, not just in this script... the media often tries to empathize with criminals, bringing up their backgrounds, how they grew up, etc. I think the word is "sympathize". We can't really sympathize with any of these characters, but I feel like we can empathize.


This is a good distinction. Someone else used the word "empathize." That's the word I had in my head at the time. In any case, a few others brought up this issue of not having anyone to sympathize with at the end.


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spesh2k
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Yeah, as much as I believe that we can always improve as writers, I'm not going to talk about formatting anymore after this... I know how to format a script. I've never gotten a "pass" on a script due to formatting issues and I didn't get a film on Netflix by not knowing how to format a script. Not saying that I don't make mistakes... I do. Don't we all? I'm FAR from perfect and I'm FAR from finished in terms of learning this beautiful craft. But in regards to opening on images, not using a slug to open scenes, etc, I'm not exactly throwing caution to the wind and doing whatever the hell it is I want. Nor am I trying to be innovative. I've read scenes executed similarly many times in many scripts. Same thing CAPPING characters and other nit-picky things that producers could care less about.

Yes, there are basic Screenwriting 101 formatting rules that we've all learned when starting out, I get it. And I respect guys like Trottier and Syd Field. And I stay pretty much within the "rules" we learn from gurus like them. Rules we're taught in Intro to Screenwriting.  But I've read hundreds and hundreds of produced award-winning scripts that, if posted here, would get panned for their formatting "mistakes" by a lot of other writers on here. Yeah, I get that just because an established writer like Tony Gilroy or Paul Schrader has the freedom to write a certain way doesn't mean I can write the same way, blah-blah-blah.

IMO, basic formatting rules are just that -- basic. They're taught to amateur, novice-level writers and are used as building blocks. I'm by no means an established writer, but I'm far from being a novice. Sorry for being a tad sensitive about it, but, agree or disagree, those are just my thoughts on that.


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2


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spesh2k  -  March 10th, 2016, 6:49am
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James McClung
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No worries, dude. Fair enough. I only expounded upon the format because you mentioned you weren't sure what issues I had in mind. Otherwise I'm trying to loosen up these days.


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alffy
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Hey Michael, I gave this a read and it was certainly interesting.

Spoilers!!

The opening was horrible and I immediately hated Dwight, which is what you were going for I guess.

I was a bit lost at first when Dwight 'turned' but soon realised what was happening.  

The part that left me the most unsure was the ending. I thought Fritzinger was saving the pit bull but now I find out he's not.  While Dwight deserved his pay back I'm not keen on how he got it.

Good, and surreal, story though.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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spesh2k
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All good, James, sorry for the little outburst. It gets my goat a little bit, that's all. If it was something that is TRULY incorrect or a matter of poor writing/wording/typos, etc, I don't mind it being pointed out... it only helps me. But when it comes to formatting, I don't do anything that is completely off the wall. Overall, at least in that area, I'm pretty sound.


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2


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spesh2k  -  March 10th, 2016, 4:02pm
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CindyLKeller
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Hi Michael.

Just read your script and I  have a couple questions.

How did Angela know that the dog was her ex?  The real dog?
I mean, the dog was her dog to begin with,  right?

What  happened to the real dog?
Was he lounging on the sofa?

Okay, four questions.

How did Angela know that he was asking for forgiveness?


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ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
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spesh2k
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Hey Cindy! Thanks for taking out the time to read and comment.


Quoted Text
How did Angela know that the dog was her ex?  The real dog?
I mean, the dog was her dog to begin with,  right?


I tried to be ambiguous with a lot things in this story... I wanted to create a surreal world where, just when you think you know the "rules" to this nightmarish alternate reality, the rules are bent. This was my attempt at an art house horror film, as pretentious as it sounds. A lot of it is metaphorical. As to how Angela knew that the dog was her ex? In my head, the distinction between animal and beast is blurred. The kind of "man" Dwight became (or animal) that caused her to leave him is still the same animal/man that she picks up from the shelter, though he has been through the grinder in terms of punishment/comeuppance. She left him, but, as Dwight states, it is HER dog that she left behind, too. So, the real question is, was there a real dog? In my head, yes... but that dog and his or her mistreatment reflected an abusive relationship that caused Angela to leave. But the fact that she left the PIT BULL with him also shows that she is no saint by any means. In fact, the abuse (not shown, but suggested) that she endured damaged her to the point where she, herself, becomes ferocious. Like a tortured animal, thus, saving him really only to hurt him. When she refers to Dwight by his first name, she is the only one who really knows the kind of animal Dwight is. Everyone else just looks at him like an animal. They see a dog. And hear a dog. She treats him like the animal he is, but knows there's something more than an animal there. There is a history between them.

Everyone here is damaged in some way, including the "real" dog. All due to some kind of abuse. Whether dog or human, that abuse will damage you. The process of reformation is bogus b/c, reformed or not, you are still that damaged animal who, at any time, will react like an animal. An animal that has been hurt. An animal that has grown to be angry and ferocious. This fantasy of revenge and comeuppance is animalistic, no matter how much we make ourselves believe that such an act is "just". At the end of the day, the damage is done.


Quoted Text
What  happened to the real dog?


The "real" dog is healed physically. But, obviously, not mentally or spiritually. Hence, the ending.


Quoted Text
Was he lounging on the sofa?


Lol, maybe at some point.


Quoted Text
How did Angela know that he was asking for forgiveness?


She heard him. She's heard it all before from him. It's a familiar sound. These two were in a relationship serious enough to lead to marriage... at some point, she loved this "dog". But she's been through his bullshit.

I do have a "cleaner", less abstract version that would probably be "neater" structurally. But it wouldn't leave as much up for interpretation. Still thinking of posting that version...

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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CindyLKeller
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Thanks for clairifying.  I'm old, so...

I see what you were doing now. Duh.

I think it  would be a good idea to post the other version, too.

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
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TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
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spesh2k
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Quoted from CindyLKeller
Thanks for clairifying.  I'm old, so...

I see what you were doing now. Duh.

I think it  would be a good idea to post the other version, too.

Cindy


The other version is different once Dwight gets shot...

He wakes up, vision blurred, on an operating table. The doctors are talking about him strangely, unaware that he is slightly awake. It sounds like they are speaking about him as if he were an animal (though subtle).

He wakes up, fully conscious, in a cage at an animal shelter. He, of course, is confused. And panicking. Claustrophobic. As he screams for help, dogs in the other cages bark wildly. One of the shelter employees feels bad for him, offers him a treat, etc. Soon (over a few weeks), he must survive off dog food, water, crapping himself, getting berated by other less-patient shelter employees, etc. He starts to accept his fate, being stuck there. Then, he gets word that he will be put down if someone doesn't adopt him.

That's when Angela adopts him. But, the difference in this version, is that Angela thinks that this is a dog -- she is not aware that this is "Dwight".

She takes him home (same visual of him crammed naked in a little doggy crate). Brings him inside his house.

That's when "Dwight", from his crate, looks up and sees "himself" or the human version of Dwight looking down at him.

Dog "Dwight" has an "Oh no!" moment. Human "Dwight" peers down at Dog Dwight with a look of disgust and says, "An ugly little fucker, aren't you?"

Angela says, "Don't talk to him like that!"

And, final line of the story, Dwight says, "Aw, c'mon. He's just a dog."

THE END

That was the original idea and it was closer to the Twilight Zone kinda feel I was originally going for. But it seemed more predictable to me. And I really wanted to explore other elements... the human element of the story really made me want to execute it in the way I did in the version you read. I saw parallels between human reformation, animal reformation, brutality against humans, brutality against animals... can an animal really change after enduing such abuse? Can a human? Etc, etc, other deeper themes that sound super pretentious, lol. I suppose the "original" version covers most of the same themes as this version I have posted but cleaner and more crisp (structurally). But that's probably because it was simpler... simplicity can be a good thing. But I feel a few layers are stripped away in comparison to this version.

Thanks for reading!

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2


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spesh2k  -  March 12th, 2016, 5:53am
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CindyLKeller
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I like that first version, too.

Maybe the way to make the story less predictable and (add layers as you say) would be to make the protag Mr. Fitz (I forgot his whole last name) instead of the dog.
Maybe he is the vicous force to be reckoned with in animal abuse "Cases" who could still  do the switch...???

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
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TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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spesh2k
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Quoted from CindyLKeller
I like that first version, too.

Maybe the way to make the story less predictable and (add layers as you say) would be to make the protag Mr. Fitz (I forgot his whole last name) instead of the dog.
Maybe he is the vicous force to be reckoned with in animal abuse "Cases" who could still  do the switch...???

Cindy


I think having Mr. Fritzinger as the protag instead of the dog would have been the most predictable route in the sense that the story has an animal abuse theme and the most obvious way to go about it would be to completely play off the animal-lover fantasy of exacting revenge on an animal abuser. It would turn into torture porn pretty much. I'm sure I could have presented some of the other themes if I went about it more straight forward as you suggested but, at least to me, that would have been too easy and too predictable.


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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DustinBowcot
Posted: March 16th, 2016, 3:04am Report to Moderator
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I haven't read this yet, but from the comments it reminds me of an excellent James Herbert book I read as a kid... probably his most original work ever. It's called, Fluke and is about a guy who discovers that he is a dog. Kafka also wrote a similar story, but that one was pretty boring for the most part. Always wanted to write one myself, too.

I'll get to this later today.
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spesh2k
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This is just a more cleaned up copy of the script. Fixed a few typos, changed a few slugs, added some mini slugs and slightly altered some dialogue. https://www.dropbox.com/s/yv5cezbykif4uuy/Filthy%20Animal.pdf?dl=0

This is NOT the alternate version I described in an earlier comment. I'll probably post that alternate version within the next couple of days. I do like the version I have posted here better though the alternate version is a little cleaner structurally -- it comes more full circle but, IMO, is a little too predictable because of that cleaner structure. I've been seeing a lot of those "full circle" kind of story endings lately, especially stories with alternate realities. I believe I actually just read another short script here with one of those types of endings.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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rendevous
Posted: March 16th, 2016, 6:49am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DustinBowcot
I haven't read this yet, but from the comments it reminds me of an excellent James Herbert book I read as a kid... probably his most original work ever. It's called, Fluke...


I too read Fluke when I was a kid. I read all the Herbert books back then and Fluke was probably one of his best, at least I thought so at the time.

Thinking about it I can still remember bits from it now. Sausages, and how he got his name. The bit where he goes home. I'm trying to be vague, to avoid spoiling it for those that haven't.

This script isn't really like Fluke, apart from a slight passing resemblance.


Quoted from spesh2k
And I did think about that when I initially decided to open on a dog turd. Then I thought about it and said, fuck it.


Fairy snuff. I did the same at the start of a script once, but I took it out later. I was interested to hear what a writer who kept it in would say. 'Fuck it' is sometimes the correct answer. I'll keep that in mind.


Quoted from spesh2k
Oh, yeah, the "panic/bucket of water" bit at the end of page 7 (used in Tim Roth's story when he sees the cops in the bathroom). I don't think it's a big deal, I used it in description, not dialogue. Not sure how the viewer will know I used that in the description unless they filmed it with a camera pointed at some dude in a chair, reading the script aloud.


I get that it's in the description and not in dialogue so wouldn't appear if or when it's filmed. What I meant was it's a line that took me out of your story and instead got me thinking about Tim Roth as Mr. Orange.


Whilst I like thinking about Mr. Orange occasionally, I'd rather do it when I'm watching Reservoir Dogs again, rather than reading a new script.

Lifting stuff word for word from something fairly well known should be avoided, in me humble. Actually, lifting stuff from anywhere else should as well.

Apart from that line your script was inventive and interesting.

R



Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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DustinBowcot
Posted: March 16th, 2016, 3:53pm Report to Moderator
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I really liked this... an excellent story. Nice work. I'd like to see it made.
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spesh2k
Posted: March 16th, 2016, 8:46pm Report to Moderator
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@ Alfy


Quoted Text
The part that left me the most unsure was the ending. I thought Fritzinger was saving the pit bull but now I find out he's not.  While Dwight deserved his pay back I'm not keen on how he got it.


The Fritzinger character was supposed to represent that dark fantasy that us animal lovers would have if we ever got our hands on an abusive, neglectful pet owner like Dwight. That dark fantasy is animalistic in nature. To the point where the focus is off the abused animal but more on the fate of the animal abuser.

Also, the PIT BULL is ferocious because of the abuse he endured from Dwight. Though I believe an abused animal can "somewhat" recover and reform mentally, here the animal is confronted by the man who abused him. It's more about the PIT BULL's vengeance here, though dog-fighting is one of the cruelest forms of animal abuse. In this case, PIT BULL's rage and brutality was taught to him by man (Dwight). Though the PIT BULL gets his revenge, ultimately, there are no winners here. The damage has been done. The transformation has already occurred.

@ Dustin


Quoted Text
I really liked this... an excellent story. Nice work. I'd like to see it made.


Thanks, Dustin. Though this would be difficult to shoot on a lower budget. I feel it's strong enough, socially relevant enough and has enough layers to earn itself a larger budget. But I did write it, so I'm a tad biased

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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DustinBowcot
Posted: March 17th, 2016, 3:03am Report to Moderator
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I think the scenes where Dwight has turned into a dog can just be filmed with the actor. So we always see the actor, it's only the characters that see a dog. There are a few locations, but nothing that should break the bank. I don't see any reason why this one shouldn't be picked up... and if it takes a budget, then at least you get paid.
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Demento
Posted: March 17th, 2016, 5:01am Report to Moderator
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I actually pitched a very similar idea to a director about 3-4 weeks back. It was one of four I think I pitched to him. It's basically the same plot as yours but a little different and would require a bigger budget. Mine was a bit more "out there" and with a stronger Twilight Zone, Outer Limits vibe.

First, I would like to say, that by reading your posts here Michael, you seem like a great guy. BUT, you have committed a cardinal sin, a sin so big I don't know if I can forgive you. YOU USED PAPYRUS! HOW DARE YOU!!!

It's part of the unholy trinity of hated fonts. Alongside Comic Sans and Bleeding Cowboy. There are sites dedicated to the hate towards these fonts: http://www.papyruswatch.com/

To add a quote from webdesingerdepot:

Quoted Text
Papyrus is the king of bad fonts. Equal parts childish, kitschy and irritating, this ugly piece of typography has found its way into everything from film posters (Avatar, anyone?) to logos for credit unions.
It has become such a universal annoyance that several anti-Papyrus blogs have popped up.
As with Comic Sans, avoid this typeface if you want to be taken seriously. Unlike other reviled typefaces, though, Papyrus isn't bad because it is overused: it's bad because it just doesn't look good. Kitschy, cheap and vile, Papyrus has no place in your designs.


Your underline is also way too close. And I would put your name up right below "written by". Looks better IMO. And I would lose the CONT'D on the dialogue.

Now, that out of the way. Seeing as I came up with pretty much the same idea as you. I can say that... I like it

I would cut down on some of the dialogue in the beginning. With the female jogger. Maybe limit her to two lines. Something like she just points to the house and asks: "- you're going in there alone?"And the dialogue that follows between the officer and the main character. I would cut some out of it. Especially the part about never hitting a woman. Maybe imply the ex-wife bit and that he doesn't hit women. The dialogue as is, doesn't work for me. Sounds a bit overexplanatory IMO, and like a hint that maybe you're setting something up down the line.

Other than that... good stuff.
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spesh2k
Posted: March 17th, 2016, 5:28am Report to Moderator
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Hey Demento, how've you been?


Quoted Text
I actually pitched a very similar idea to a director about 3-4 weeks back. It was one of four I think I pitched to him. It's basically the same plot as yours but a little different and would require a bigger budget. Mine was a bit more "out there" and with a stronger Twilight Zone, Outer Limits vibe.


Great minds, my friend. Great minds. Yeah, mine has a Twilight Zone concept, and though there is somewhat of an ironic ending here -- I didn't want to be too ironic, that can be a bit predictable sometimes -- the vibe is probably closer to early Tales From the Crypt or Creepshow.


Quoted Text
First, I would like to say, that by reading your posts here Michael, you seem like a great guy.


Okay... but...


Quoted Text
BUT, you have committed a cardinal sin, a sin so big I don't know if I can forgive you. YOU USED PAPYRUS! HOW DARE YOU!!!

It's part of the unholy trinity of hated fonts. Alongside Comic Sans and Bleeding Cowboy. There are sites dedicated to the hate towards these fonts: http://www.papyruswatch.com/


Oh, no. Me? Have bad taste? Shit man... I know it sounds like a silly thing, but I've actually already changed it to Rockwell Bold. Last thing I need is a faux pas in my script.


Quoted Text
Now, that out of the way. Seeing as I came up with pretty much the same idea as you. I can say that... I like it


Ah, okay, cool.


Quoted Text
I would cut down on some of the dialogue in the beginning. With the female jogger. Maybe limit her to two lines. Something like she just points to the house and asks: "- you're going in there alone?"And the dialogue that follows between the officer and the main character. I would cut some out of it. Especially the part about never hitting a woman. Maybe imply the ex-wife bit and that he doesn't hit women. The dialogue as is, doesn't work for me. Sounds a bit overexplanatory IMO, and like a hint that maybe you're setting something up down the line.


I altered dialogue just a little bit as it read a tad unnatural to me, specifically the "never hitting a woman" bit. I have Dwight avoid the question completely. As for the Woman Jogger, I liked it and decided to keep that in. Here's the updated dialogue here... sans papyrus... still, the "written by" is spaced the same above my name. https://www.dropbox.com/s/yv5cezbykif4uuy/Filthy%20Animal.pdf?dl=0



Quoted Text
Other than that... good stuff.


Cool, man, glad (outside of the papyrus) that you enjoyed it. Thanks for reading and commenting.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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Jose
Posted: March 18th, 2016, 6:14pm Report to Moderator
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wassup, mike

I liked your message in the script. Against animal abuse/ karma. Your twist got me again. I didn't see Dwight getting capped in the face by the mysterious Fitzgerald, but all I can conclude is that Fitzgerald wasn't part of the animal control organization. He's a hit man? Dwight was involved with some shit? I don't know, but I do find the fact that the van is all white with no windows a clue to to Fitzgerald mysterious character.

I liked your twist with Dwight becoming the dog. Really gave it a vibe/ flavor for the script. And the ending is cool. Really finishes up the theme for what goes around comes around.

Nice work. Even picked some vocab to level up. I got to work on mine.
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spesh2k
Posted: March 18th, 2016, 11:16pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Jose,

Good to see you getting involved around here, dude. Hopefully, you get more reads and comments with the stuff you posted. I would suggest reciprocating with other members on here. Anyway, to your comments...


Quoted Text
I liked your message in the script. Against animal abuse/ karma.


Yes, the script is against animal abuse but the message isn't quite that simple. Of course, most people are against animal abuse. It's not exactly controversial subject matter unless you're involved in dog fighting rings. Most decent human beings are against animal abuse.

The message is more about transformation and reformation. Not just in animals but in human beings. Can a damaged animal be reformed? Can a damaged person be reformed? In my story, nobody really wins although everyone gets what they deserve. But what they deserve or, rather, what we feel Dwight deserves is animalistic in nature. So... what does that make us? What does that make the prison system? Capital punishment? Animal shelters aren't the only places where its inhabitants are euthanized.

Also, the abused PIT BULL gets his revenge on his abusive owner -- but wasn't the PIT BULL rescued? Reformed? Heeled? Same PIT BULL gets his revenge but, in a way, shows that he is not truly reformed. Neither is Angela, who Dwight abused also... she ALSO gets her revenge. But she is so fucked up from her abusive relationship with Dwight that she pits him against a ferocious PIT BULL in a literal dog fight. And Fritzinger? He is US. He saves the PIT BULL, takes pity... then puts him in a dog fight? Dog fighting is one of the cruelest forms of animal abuse. That just goes to show that the punishment to Dwight has become the focus rather than truly reforming that poor PIT BULL into being fit for domestication.


Quoted Text
Your twist got me again. I didn't see Dwight getting capped in the face by the mysterious Fitzgerald, but all I can conclude is that Fitzgerald wasn't part of the animal control organization. He's a hit man? Dwight was involved with some shit? I don't know, but I do find the fact that the van is all white with no windows a clue to to Fitzgerald mysterious character.


Fritzinger is actually his name. He is more of a symbolic character here. An ominous figure. Kind of like an angel of death kinda guy. I tried making him and what he represented ambiguous.


Quoted Text
I liked your twist with Dwight becoming the dog. Really gave it a vibe/ flavor for the script. And the ending is cool. Really finishes up the theme for what goes around comes around.


I wouldn't say "what goes around comes around" is the main theme. Yes, it provides the story with one of the concrete themes... the other being animal abuse. But I feel personally that the true theme is abstract, lying beneath the surface. That theme being abuse in general, transformation and reformation.


Quoted Text
Nice work. Even picked some vocab to level up. I got to work on mine.


Thanks man, I don't exactly consider myself a wordsmith per se. But good to see you're working on mixing it up a little bit with creating visuals by mixing it up with your wording a little bit. Just as important is the way you arrange your wording.

Thanks for commenting, man. I will eventually get around to commenting more on Season's End (in the series section here).

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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spesh2k
Posted: March 25th, 2016, 7:09pm Report to Moderator
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Gave this one a smooth-over. Essentially the same story, just tinkered with dialogue with a little bit, eliminated typos, etc. Thanks again to all those who have commented.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/yv5cezbykif4uuy/Filthy%20Animal.pdf?dl=0


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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