SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 29th, 2024, 10:13am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Lyssa's Child Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 12 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Lyssa's Child  (currently 1317 views)
Don
Posted: March 13th, 2016, 11:12am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Lyssa's Child by Steve Miles - Short, Docudrama/Supernatural  - An expert in Multiple Personality Disorder interviews a disturbed recluse who claims to be the victim of a malign entity. 12 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
AnthonyCawood
Posted: March 13th, 2016, 2:34pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
4319
Posts Per Day
1.14
Hi Steve.

A few thoughts, just my opinion of course

1) Why would Duncan agree to be interviewed by a Multiple Personality Disorder specialist? there is nothing in this Title sequence that would indicate that would be logical.
2) Dont think you need INTEVIEW SESSION in your slug.
3) Not sure you are using -- correctly in your action.
4) I like the dialogue s we start, it's between them, has secrets we don't know yet.
5) Page 3 - not sure Dr Moore should be O.S. surely V.O. if Duncan is?
6) Bottom of page 4, why is Dr Moore now O.S. in his own study?
7) Page 5 - when Duncan says 'Easy Doc...' should this be O.S.?
Same for 'No one comes up'... or is he saying it in the scene and breaking 4th wall?
9) Shit off... that doesn't read well.
10) Afraid I'm lost from page 10 onwards... not sure where we are or what is really revealed.

Builds atmosphere well, kept me enthralled but lost me in the end so not really sure what to make of it.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 1 - 11
stevemiles
Posted: March 14th, 2016, 5:55pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
745
Posts Per Day
0.16
Anthony,

Thanks for taking a look.  This was originally for an OWC style challenge elsewhere and I’ve never been sure if the story ‘works’ all that well or not.  Figured I’d post it up here to get some thoughts on it.

A bit of background: the idea for this came from seeing a guy in the street literally just stop in his tracks and start fighting thin air.  It lasted maybe a minute before he ‘lost’ the fight (he got up and walked it off).  To him it was ‘real’ -- and it made me think ‘what if?’  So that’s the idea -- is Duncan mentally disturbed or is there something darker at play?

It’s meant to be told in a documentary style; with the interview providing the spine of the story (and the meat of the dialogue) with the exterior scenes illustrating (to keep it from being just a talking head piece).  I wanted this to be Duncan’s story; capturing a brief and disturbing episode in his life.  As such we’d never see Dr. Moore, she’d be behind the camera, so her dialogue would always be O.S. even if she’s present.  

Essentially Duncan is always talking to camera/Dr. Moore.  Dialogue from the interview would overlap the exterior scenes -- mostly Duncan ‘narrating’, but there are times when the characters speak in the exterior scenes hence the O.S.  I appreciate how the switch between V.O. and O.S. can trip up the reader but I’d see it more as a problem on paper than on-screen.  Perhaps there’s a better approach?    

As to your #1 -- good point.  I cut back the original titles that gave a little more reasoning on why a specialist in MPD would be called in.  I’ll revisit that.

I like a good double-dash -- and I can get carried away.  I’ve swung back and forth over the years on how and where to use them.  I try to use them as a way of jumping from an action to a reaction/consequence or a break from one ‘visual’ into something unexpected.  Doubt it’s the correct usage -- I’ll work on at least making it consistent.  I’ll admit grammar is not my strong suit.

Sorry the story lost you around p.10.  The idea of the initial interview was to build to a point where we see Duncan’s ‘demons’ finally get the better of him -- cornering him in the stairwell.  With someone (Dr. Moore) bearing witness to the nature of the attack and a clue that it might not be 'in his head' after all.    

Thanks again,

Steve


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 2 - 11
eldave1
Posted: March 14th, 2016, 8:35pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
Hey Steve: Gave this is a read.

First - I think Duncan's dialogue is dead bang on. You did a fine job of establishing his character - an odd combination of chaos and calm. A realistic pessimist. I had a real sense of who he was.

So, we have this guy shadow boxing against his imagination - or is it? Perhaps something sinister or not understandable to the naked eye. I would have liked to see a few more probing questions from the Doctor to help us along this journey. (e.g., Doc - "who are you fighting with? etc.).  I know that you are building a twist - but this one is intricate enough to give us a little more information as we go on the journey with Duncan.

I got lost in location sometimes - (I was better on the re-read) - but the first time through it was confusing - maybe some use of flashback would help.

A real nit - but I think the slugs look cleaner with a / rather than a - . e.g.,

INT. DR. MOORE’S HOUSE - STUDY - DAY - INTERVIEW SESSION

INT. DR. MOORE’S HOUSE/STUDY - DAY - INTERVIEW SESSION

I also wouldn't include INTERVIEW SESSION at the end since it really isn't a location.

For the most part - a good read. I think it has the bones for a feature - a psychologists discovers that a man's self inflicted injuries are anything but that - and there are others out there just like him.

Nice effort



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 11
stevemiles
Posted: March 16th, 2016, 6:07pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
745
Posts Per Day
0.16
Hey Dave,

Thanks for the read.  Glad Duncan worked for you, his was an enjoyable character to write.  I’ve been playing with the idea of working this into a feature for a couple of years but haven’t yet figured out where I want to take it -- it's on the list.

An earlier draft used ‘flashback’ in the slugs but I figured it might be even more confusing to keep flashing between scenes.  I went with ‘interview session’ instead to cue the reader that it was part of an ongoing scene.  I’m thinking of switching instead to ‘supers’ in keeping with the documentary style.  Maybe make for a clearer timeframe.

Been meaning to take a look at the new draft of Taking Stock, hopefully I’ll have some time at the weekend.

All the best,

Steve.  


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 4 - 11
SAC
Posted: March 16th, 2016, 7:33pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
3201
Posts Per Day
0.79
Steve,

Great job on this. I liked it a lot.

There were times I felt a bit lost. Like the scene where Duncan asked the person with the camera to hold the dog's leash. I thought we were in the interview session the whole time, then I realized that this was something different? Some other camera footage you were interspersing? Please explain because it had me confused.

I'm not sure why you called this Lyssa's Child. I'm assuming Lyssa was his mother, but you never mention her name outside if the title.

Otherwise, this had a very creepy and foreboding feeling to it. Well done. I loved the ending, by the way. Reminds me of Jack Nicholson's The Pledge -- the end scene where it's just Jack talking to himself, having gone somewhat crazy, and leaving the viewer in a state of discontentment, realizing the movie was over, but nothing was tied up.

The THUMP in the door was effective. I think you could've done it again. That was a good scene.

All told I liked it very much. The only issues for me was a little clarity, and I feel you could have trimmed one of Duncan's remembrances, if not completely then just tighten it up. My two cents.

Steve


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 11
eldave1
Posted: March 16th, 2016, 8:17pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95

Quoted Text
Thanks for the read.  Glad Duncan worked for you, his was an enjoyable character to write.  I’ve been playing with the idea of working this into a feature for a couple of years but haven’t yet figured out where I want to take it -- it's on the list.


First - my pleasure. It was good stuff. In terms of where to take it for a feature. One thought is to have more Duncans. The Doctor would become the protagonist.  It could be something like there is a newly discovered disorder - Duncan is ground zero - there are cases popping up like his all over - maybe one or two that even resulted on death. Maybe even one involving someone wealthy or powerful who's son has the disorder (Prime Minister son or something like that) who seeks out the Doc for help. The Doctor goes along with the journey with Duncan to see if they can discover the cause together and help all of those who have become inflicted. - Just a thought.

I do think there needs to be some kind of a signpost to guide us as we go to the multiple locations. Whether it's a flashback, a Super of something is simple as - Duncan's mind drifts to another day...would be helpful.

I did finalize Taking Stock - thanks again for the notes - invaluable. Have got the most recent version up on this site yet - but it can be found here:

http://media.wix.com/ugd/4e8bd1_4f13a223923346049d88df115d6318d4.pdf


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 11
Reef Dreamer
Posted: March 19th, 2016, 12:00pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Part time writer

Location
The Island of Jersey
Posts
2612
Posts Per Day
0.57
Hi Steve

Have I read this before? Felt familiar

I like Duncan and the story has a great mood to it. The sense of something lurking, pursuing him.

The final section at the flat with the camera following slightly lost me. In essence the majority is filmed in the office, then they seem to leave - he gets beaten up - but then they return?

I suppose the conflict in the script, other than Duncan's welfare, is the clash between a psychologist belief in the internalised nature of multiple personalities and the possibility of a real entity with evil intent. I feel you could up this, almost to the point where the script is the doctors, not Duncan's

Almost have the DR determined to uncover the truth, only later on to put this case to one side because it doesn't fit his theory and he doesn't want to expose the truth. Well something on that line.

All the best.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 11
stevemiles
Posted: March 19th, 2016, 4:59pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
745
Posts Per Day
0.16
Steve/Bill

Thanks for the read.  The question of clarity is the recurring issue here -- I’ll try to address that in a further draft.  

The way I had it outlined was Dr. Moore starts with interviewing Duncan in her study.  Towards the end of the interview he gets upset and challenges her to follow him around, to witness it for herself.  The exterior scenes were meant to weave into the interview -- documentary style -- working more as vignettes wherein Dr. Moore records Duncan’s daily life.  It ultimately culminates in the attack.  Right before this Duncan hands Dr. Moore the dog's leash before taking off to face his demons.

The title was left over from a first draft -- it related to a history book Duncan had read -- Lyssa being the Greek goddess of rage.  I changed some stuff up but left the title as I liked the way it sounded.

Bill -- yes this is a revised draft of a script entered into an old Writer Arena competition (is that site still running?)  Big thanks to you and Dave for the suggestions on where to take this.  It’s back in the to do pile.

If I can return the reads let me know.

Steve


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 8 - 11
DustinBowcot
Posted: March 19th, 2016, 5:23pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Hi mate, expecting good things from you.

I found it a little too talky.

I think some of the dialogue could be cut for favour of showing it in action. Runrig should be an anagram of something, but isn't... which is ever-so-slightly annoying.

I'm not sure if the build-up is slightly too long, or it's because there's a lot of chatter.

Well written and a very enjoyable story, I just feel it needs a little more work. Certainly worth putting the effort in too.

Good luck with it.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 9 - 11
RichardR
Posted: March 21st, 2016, 8:03am Report to Moderator
Been Around


Posts
889
Posts Per Day
0.26
Steven,

Some notes.

I like your approach, but I think you can make the opening even shorter.  “In 2005, an unconscious ‘duncan’ was admitted…And I don’t see where Dr. Moore’s specialty comes into play.

The opening scene works for me.  Shows his paranoia and her calming influence.  

The next scene works.  The camp, the presence and the dog who chases after something.  

The library scene pulls us in, and the explanation of a father who won’t leave the house.  Fine.

In the next scene, I’m confused a bit.  We’re at the firepit, and Duncan speaks without a voice over.  Intended?

Next scene is the same.  We’re at the apartments, and I’m not sure why.  Doesn’t Duncan live at the fire pit?

And who is the boy?  Runrig?

The clock scene feels forced.  His assailant makes no noise, right?

Tenth birthday story is fine, especially since it doesn’t match the visuals.  For me, that works.

And we come back where Duncan doubts anyone will believe him, which fits.  No one will believe him, and there’s a reason for that.

We suddenly go to the present where doc and Duncan are at the building.  this isn’t real clear, but it can work.  She’s handling the camera.

Here is the real meat.  I think something like this should have happened back at her house.  Not so graphic, but something, a hint, a flavor.  

As they walk out, I don’t think you need voice over here.  just let him talk.

Do you need the next scene?  Duncan in his squat, which I didn’t think he had.  Just the fire pit.  

The courtyard scene works for me.  The last scene also works, but I was looking for a bookend scene that brings us back to the house.  Just me.

Overall, I like this.  I like the premise that there is a rage in the world that some people can sense and fight, some special people who will never be understood.  Fun.

Best
Richard
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 11
stevemiles
Posted: March 21st, 2016, 2:50pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
745
Posts Per Day
0.16

Dustin, thanks for the read.  Sadly no anagram in Runrig -- but I am starting to think I’m the only one around here who’s still into 70s Celtic rock…

Richard, many thanks for the notes.

It’s meant to be in a documentary style so the V.O. and direct to camera would switch in and out.  A lot of the confusion seems to stem from this approach.  I personally think it would be a lot clearer on-screen, but I’m going to work on making it clearer on paper.  

Duncan ‘lives’ in the squat.  The fire-pit is just a piece of wasteland he visits to shadow box.  He refers to Runrig as his boy -- the dog is his only family so to speak.

I saw the cuckoo clock scene more as Duncan being jumpy.  I also wanted to add a touch of humour to this.  Hopefully it would come across as darkly comic.

Thanks for the scene breakdown -- it gives me a good idea of where the story starts to lose clarity.

Steve        


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 11 - 11
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006