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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  A Friend in the End Moderators: bert
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  Author    A Friend in the End  (currently 2880 views)
Don
Posted: March 19th, 2016, 7:03am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Friend in the End by Dustin Bowcott - Short, Drama - A new friend gives an old lady cause to believe she is about to die, but then, they always think that, don't they. 8 pages - pdf, format


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stevemiles
Posted: March 19th, 2016, 5:18pm Report to Moderator
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Dustin,

Simple and effective, my only hang-up would be that it felt a little too familiar.  I’d have been more surprised to find Frank did work there.  I did like that Gladys suspected who Frank was and why he was there.  His line ‘that’s as good as an invite as I need’ was a nice touch.  Think you could almost make more of that angle -- Gladys is nobody’s fool.  As it was it all felt a bit safe -- perhaps not what I’d have expected having read some of your previous scripts.  That said I could see this being the kind of idea that gets a decent amount of interest.  

p.4 -- not sure if you want us to actually see the disco as a separate location or just get a sense of Gladys’ reaction to the music?

Steve  


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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DustinBowcot
Posted: March 19th, 2016, 5:35pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from stevemiles
Dustin,

Simple and effective, my only hang-up would be that it felt a little too familiar.  I’d have been more surprised to find Frank did work there.  I did like that Gladys suspected who Frank was and why he was there.  His line ‘that’s as good as an invite as I need’ was a nice touch.  Think you could almost make more of that angle -- Gladys is nobody’s fool.  As it was it all felt a bit safe -- perhaps not what I’d have expected having read some of your previous scripts.  That said I could see this being the kind of idea that gets a decent amount of interest.  

p.4 -- not sure if you want us to actually see the disco as a separate location or just get a sense of Gladys’ reaction to the music?

Steve  


I wanted to write something with a hint of unease and this is what I came up with. I initially liked your idea of Frank being real, but I feel that would take the unease away completely. We're all uneasy about death and the older we get the more afraid we get. I tried to capture both ends in this story.

Regarding the mind's eye thing... if you see it as an image then it's an image. I don't believe in using tools unnecessarily as it takes something away from the read. I've used this technique a few times now and never had any issues aside from other writers. I understand why you're picking up on it. I just prefer to go the literal route whenever I can.

Thanks for reading and the pointers.
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LuisAnthony
Posted: March 20th, 2016, 10:54am Report to Moderator
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I really liked this one.

I really admire the writing style and upon finishing it really left me pondering. I can also admire a story were upon finshing it, you can go back and look at things in a different point of view; and you did that. I also really like your depiction of death, it was an original, yet satisfying route that left me uneasy.

Not sure if there was anything that bugged me - works for me.
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Athenian
Posted: March 20th, 2016, 1:22pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Dustin,

Initially, this comes off as a bittersweet drama: Death treats the old lady like a gentleman, trying to make her end of life as peaceful as possible. But then the disturbing twist comes: Not only does she know who he is, but she finds nothing comforting in all this. He thinks it's beautiful – she’s scared. So the "sweet" first half of the story is actually told from Death's POV, which I find very interesting and original.

I do think you could cut out the phone call scene and most of the dialogue in the end. Normally, Warren should have asked about Frank the very day his mother told him about him, no? Also, the old woman was clearly scared, so how could he believe she was just kidding? To me, the last scene could have been as short as this:


Quoted Text
INT. GLADYS'S FLAT - BEDROOM – NIGHT

Warren holds his Wife while looking down at Gladys, who lies in bed, quite dead.

A matronly CARER (57), wearing a blue, all-in-one, dress uniform, stands next to them.

CARER
I think she went peacefully.

Warren nods and, as he looks at Gladys at peace in bed, doubt's shadow creeps across his face.

FADE OUT


Anyway, great job with this one. Well-written and, yes, uneasy in a honest but subtle way. Good luck with it!

Manolis
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eldave1
Posted: March 20th, 2016, 7:42pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Dustin - solid effort - a good read. Perfect title.


Quoted Text
WARREN
Oh, Mom.


I thought a reaction from Warren (e.g., something akin to - he studies her for a moment - is this the first sign of dementia? - here would have better than the dialogue. She's telling him of this very compelling event that happened to her. "Oh Mom" just seemed more like a reaction to something less serious.  Maybe it's just me.


Quoted Text
She closes her eyes and is transported, in her mind’s eye,
to a disco. The hand of a strong man at her waist. They
twirl, and he lets her go to spin freely.


I had the same reaction as other posters and I know that you wrote it this way on purpose.  It is an interesting approach and certainly a space saver (i.e., much shorter than would be required for the traditional approach). Not sure I would have gone that route - but I do think it works. I did see what you wanted me to see.


Quoted Text
WARREN
She, ah, mentioned a friend, Frank.
I’d like to thank him for helping
so much during her final few days.


I don't think Gladys ever mentions Frank's name to Warren. I don't know if that is an oversight on your part or if there are implied conversations we weren't part of.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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SAC
Posted: March 20th, 2016, 7:48pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Dustin,

Nice job here. I enjoyed the smooth way it was written. A good prose type style that didn't get in the way and was visual. You had me guessing in the beginning, and I don't know if it was your intention -- but I thought Gladys  might be suffering from Alzheimer's. Frank knew her tea, knew her music. Just figured he'd done it a hundred times but she just doesn't remember. So it was an effective reveal towards the end. Well done.

However, I felt that the end had an opportunity to end on a real zinger of a line as opposed to a look on Warren's face. Not sure what that would be, of course, but either way I liked this a bunch. Good job!

Steve


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DustinBowcot
Posted: March 21st, 2016, 3:45am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LuisAnthony
I really liked this one.

I really admire the writing style and upon finishing it really left me pondering. I can also admire a story were upon finshing it, you can go back and look at things in a different point of view; and you did that. I also really like your depiction of death, it was an original, yet satisfying route that left me uneasy.

Not sure if there was anything that bugged me - works for me.


Thanks for taking a look and I'm glad it had the desired effect.



Quoted from Athenian
Hi Dustin,

Initially, this comes off as a bittersweet drama: Death treats the old lady like a gentleman, trying to make her end of life as peaceful as possible. But then the disturbing twist comes: Not only does she know who he is, but she finds nothing comforting in all this. He thinks it's beautiful – she’s scared. So the "sweet" first half of the story is actually told from Death's POV, which I find very interesting and original.


Thanks.


Quoted Text
I do think you could cut out the phone call scene and most of the dialogue in the end.


Yes, I agree.


Quoted Text

Normally, Warren should have asked about Frank the very day his mother told him about him, no? Also, the old woman was clearly scared, so how could he believe she was just kidding?


I was inspired to write this short after visiting my nan once a week in a nursing home. She's terrified, but hides it well most of the time. I've tried to tease her fears out, but she always manages to push it to the back of her mind again. In those odd flashes though, I get to see the real fear. Her eyesight is going, her ears are going, she can't walk very far, needs help dressing, getting into the bath, etc, etc. So it's obvious she's afraid, but it's not something I would talk to the staff about. However, you still have a valid point.. it's not like I can tell every reader what I've just told you, so a workaround may be in order. Perhaps he gets an emergency call, maybe a pregnant wife. A new baby born, contrasting the death in the bed... I like it. Cheers.



Quoted Text
Anyway, great job with this one. Well-written and, yes, uneasy in a honest but subtle way. Good luck with it!

Manolis


Thanks, mate... much appreciated.

Revision History (1 edits)
DustinBowcot  -  March 21st, 2016, 4:02am
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RichardR
Posted: March 21st, 2016, 8:08am Report to Moderator
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Dustin,

Some notes.

Nice job.  This one reads well.  There is something about old people that lets them recognize death, and you have captured it.  You might consider giving death a reason why he’s so gentle.  Something good about her.

There are places that I would edit, but those are personal things.  You’ve done a good job.  

Best
Richard
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DustinBowcot
Posted: March 24th, 2016, 4:33am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eldave1
Hey, Dustin - solid effort - a good read. Perfect title.



I thought a reaction from Warren (e.g., something akin to - he studies her for a moment - is this the first sign of dementia? - here would have better than the dialogue. She's telling him of this very compelling event that happened to her. "Oh Mom" just seemed more like a reaction to something less serious.  Maybe it's just me.


People, let alone old people, do and say the craziest things sometimes... I've never suspected dementia. If my Nan had said something like that to me, I'd suspect she'd fallen asleep and had a dream... but I wouldn't argue with her and say that. I'd let her believe whatever she wanted to.

As an example, my GF's granddad had a heart attack. Quite a bad one, but he survived. Afterwards, he wasn't quite himself and was actually diagnosed, by a doctor, as having the onset of dementia. Several months down the line and he's his old self again. No sign of dementia whatsoever. I think people are too quick to label things... also, because of that speed to label things, my Nan spent 6 weeks in a mental institution. She was just scared and wanted some attention. I knew that as soon as I saw her. Yet, trained doctors, preferred the ease of sticking her in an institution.



Quoted Text

I don't think Gladys ever mentions Frank's name to Warren. I don't know if that is an oversight on your part or if there are implied conversations we weren't part of.


Yes, I assumed that it could easily have been a conversation that we simply weren't a party to... but if it jars, then perhaps I should do something about it.

Thanks for the read, mate.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: March 24th, 2016, 5:14am Report to Moderator
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Hey mate, loved this, very poignant and with ageing parents I felt very connected to it from the off.

Couple of picky bits that don't in anyway effect the read... If she's 87 would she imagine a disco in her minds eye? It's a more contemporary term... and if that's her flat and her radio would Frank need to tune it? As I said picky and doesn't effect the read.

Great effort, love to see this produced.  


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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DustinBowcot
Posted: April 1st, 2016, 2:33pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from SAC
Dustin,

Nice job here. I enjoyed the smooth way it was written. A good prose type style that didn't get in the way and was visual. You had me guessing in the beginning, and I don't know if it was your intention -- but I thought Gladys  might be suffering from Alzheimer's. Frank knew her tea, knew her music. Just figured he'd done it a hundred times but she just doesn't remember. So it was an effective reveal towards the end. Well done.


Yes it was my intention for the true nature of the Frank character to be questionable, although not Alzheimer's, more an old lady's imaginings.


Quoted Text
However, I felt that the end had an opportunity to end on a real zinger of a line as opposed to a look on Warren's face. Not sure what that would be, of course, but either way I liked this a bunch. Good job!

Steve


Thanks mate, I'll consider that... but I do try to avoid zingers. Hopefully the tone of the script does enough to carry this without one.


Quoted from AnthonyCawood

Hey mate, loved this, very poignant and with ageing parents I felt very connected to it from the off.


Hopefully many more feel the same way.


Quoted Text

Couple of picky bits that don't in anyway effect the read... If she's 87 would she imagine a disco in her minds eye? It's a more contemporary term... and if that's her flat and her radio would Frank need to tune it? As I said picky and doesn't effect the read.


I struggled over the disco thing, but after researching I discovered that the first discotheque was opened in 1959, 57 years ago. She would only have been 30-ish... and then I thought that it doesn't really matter anyway, as you say, it shouldn't get in the way.


Quoted Text
Great effort, love to see this produced.  


Me too, mate. Thanks for the read.

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IamGlenn
Posted: April 6th, 2016, 6:46am Report to Moderator
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Dustin, I've been meaning to read this for quite a while. Apologies for only getting around to it now.

This was nice. I've just finished reading a book that had death as a character, and in the eight pages you've got here, I feel you handled it better than that particular full length novel. Obviously death has been portrayed countless times in books and on film, but I feel it's often quite clumsy and downright cringey. Here, it's handled with care and the sweet old woman and Himself played off each other wonderfully. I was afraid she was going to be some old racist at the beginning.

So, yeah I like this. Just one question; when Frank arrives, why doesn't he take Gladys then. I like the moment they have. Was he there to give her one last golden moment before he took her? A kind, caring version of Death?

Nice one. Should be produced.

Glenn.


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DustinBowcot
Posted: April 7th, 2016, 4:06am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from IamGlenn
Dustin, I've been meaning to read this for quite a while. Apologies for only getting around to it now.


No worries mate. You shouldn't feel obliged.


Quoted Text
This was nice. I've just finished reading a book that had death as a character, and in the eight pages you've got here, I feel you handled it better than that particular full length novel. Obviously death has been portrayed countless times in books and on film, but I feel it's often quite clumsy and downright cringey. Here, it's handled with care and the sweet old woman and Himself played off each other wonderfully. I was afraid she was going to be some old racist at the beginning.


Glad you liked it.


Quoted Text
So, yeah I like this. Just one question; when Frank arrives, why doesn't he take Gladys then. I like the moment they have. Was he there to give her one last golden moment before he took her? A kind, caring version of Death?


I like the idea of one's life flashing before their eyes before they die, like a final dalliance with death itself before we go. So it came from that and turned into this. In fact, that would make for a better title, if a little OTN... Dalliance with Death.


Quoted Text
Nice one. Should be produced.

Glenn.


Much appreciated. I've already knocked back one producer, and I have another (more experienced) one after it now that I'm still considering.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: July 12th, 2016, 4:16pm Report to Moderator
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This has had quite a bit of interest, but the guys that made Evicted want to make this one too so I'm giving it to them as I can trust them to do a good job.
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