Don't Mess With Floppytits by Luis Garza - Short, Comedy, Mystery - It is Kristen´s first day of work as a secretary at a psychiatrist´s office. However, Kristen is not aware that every single person at the office is absolutely insane. 12 pages - pdf, format

I suppose it would be rude to just leave without commenting. The title drew me in (as floppy tits, or any tits, will)... along with the premise. Sounds like it could be some farcical fun.

I stopped reading around page 4. Some word choices are strange which makes the read more difficult. The writing lacks flow. Jokes are stale or not delivered to their full potential.

Code WOMAN´S VOICE(O.S) Stop being so nervous. God, you look like a serial killer on her way to her trial.

What does a serial killer look like on the way to their trial when they are pleading not guilty? What doe s serial killer look like who just doesn't care? Perhaps using a death row analogy would be better.

Also, the woman's voice would be Diane. So you should label it as such, right away.

Code KRISTEN(25) Her brown locks held together on a ponytail. A significant amount of make-up slapped on her face. Her purple professional blouse compliments her black jacket and skirt.

The first sentence here is quite poor because it doesn't actually end, despite the full stop. It's like writing, yesterday I had. That whole action block needs scrapping and if possible delivered in just one sentence. Try it out.

Anyway, I'm not going to harp on... it could be falling upon deaf ears for all I know.

I did read the whole thing.  I feel as though things were just thrown in there for the hell out of it and there was no real purpose behind anything.  

Thank you Dustin and Nolan for your comments! I will go over the description thank you very much!

Yes, please do take this as seriously as the title. I don`t really know what I was doing when I wrote this; I was at a party where I did not know anyone and so I wrote it. It`s a little unusual. I also posted this because it`s been months since I`ve been here. I`ve missed this forum and I feel like just now I got my life back on track and this is one of the things I wanted to do first. So consider this also as a desperation to put something out.

All coments appreciated, thank you.

Definitely expect more serious work from me soon.

Luis,

Some notes.

This one didn’t work for me.  The first scene has no value for me.  Why not put her in the office.  It would be simple to indicate it’s her first day.  

There are some formatting issues, but you can fix those.  The story itself makes little sense and the slapstick comedy doesn’t strike me as all that funny.  Perhaps that’s just my lack of comic sense.  

Best
Richard

Hey, Luis: I read the entire script  - you already got some good suggestions for improvement - so I won't repeat those.

Although the title is surely going to get reads - not sure it should be your final one as it will have little commercial appeal.

I did very much like the premise. I thought you did a fairly good job with showing us who Kristen is.

There are some places where the dialogue seems forced. e.g.,

Quoted Text DIANE That´s because none of them satisfied my needs as a woman.

Unless that's followed by - what you expect - you're a hooker - then I can't imagine any woman saying that. I know you used it for the set up for the next line (which was a bit funny) - but both the set up line and the payoff should ring true.

I actually think the space dedicated to Diane is a little wasted. I would have liked a little more on why Kristen is trapped at this job - e.g., finally moving out of the parent's basement, - something that convinces us there is a reason she has to stay at this crazy job.

I think this would also work better if the humor was a little more subtle then slapstick in your face.

Best of luck with this - keep at it

Thank you Richard and Dave for the feedback.

Definetly expect more serious work from me very soon!

Not read it yet, the script I mean.

But with a title like that I'm gonna have to, and soon.

I would say what's preventing me from it at the moment. But that would telling. Sadly I can't show it either. No, not that.

R

Quoted from LuisAnthony Thank you Richard and Dave for the feedback. Definetly expect more serious work from me very soon!

Looking forward to it, Lisa

Quoted from eldave1 Looking forward to it, Lisa

This is frankly typical around here. You open a thread you've posted on and you get completely ignored. This time it seems Lisa has taken someone's eye.

I know the feeling. I went out with a lass called Lisa for many's a year. Started off well... erm, you probably don't want to know the rest of that story. I wish I didn't.

Floppytits. No, I am not referring to Lisa. I mean the script. This one silly, concentrate and calm down.

Apparently, (I do hope I spelled that correctly, as it seems it's my new favourite word, it was gusset but...) this is THE SCRIPT not Lisa, a short film. I know this because it says on the title page. Interesting idea. And no, I'm not being sarky. I might nick it later - the true test of an idea around here. I mean my house, not these boards. Hmm, speaking of which, does anyone know of a good glazier's who's cheap? No, thought not. Moving on...

I wonder about the merits of sticking the title on the first page, but like Bat Vs Super, I'll reserve judgement until I know more.

The formatting seems a bit off to me, even when I'm a bit blurry due to lack of milk and tea and a drycleaners.

Okay, so instead of complaining about format and the like for the rest of the post and then buggering off on my frankly crap bike, I'll do an example of something I was gonna moan about then move on to the story. At least I hope so. Here goes something, hopefully....

[quote=]Her brown locks held together on a ponytail.[/quote]

Okay. But it's early on the first page just below the weird formatting. Oops. I think I If it was...

'Her brown ponytail bounces as she moves gracefully along.'

Now, my rewrite ain't exactly perfect. Ooh, me so modest. I don't like the word 'brown' in there. Personally, ooh, I wouldn't use it as it's not essential to the script. I don't know that for sure yet as I'm commenting as I read. You may yet surprise me about this. We shall see. There are other things not so great about my rewritten line, but I'm not one to get a horse and flog it. It wants an apple or a sugarcube.

Last time I banged on because tense is important. Erm, grammar wise shall we say. I don't need a massage yet. Bit early.

You don't have to stay in the present tense all the time. Who does? But it certainly helpsf you do, as much as possible, your script may be the better for it. Maybe not. Like most rules, it is meant to guide. Rules can be and sometimes should be bent. Like Boris Johnson. Erm, internet if that name lost you.

Quoted from rendevous This is frankly typical around here. You open a thread you've posted on and you get completely ignored. This time it seems Lisa has taken someone's eye. I know the feeling. I went out with a lass called Lisa for many's a year. Started off well... erm, you probably don't want to know the rest of that story. I wish I didn't. Floppytits. No, I am not referring to Lisa. I mean the script. This one silly, concentrate and calm down. Apparently, (I do hope I spelled that correctly, as it seems it's my new favourite word, it was gusset but...) this is THE SCRIPT not Lisa, a short film. I know this because it says on the title page. Interesting idea. And no, I'm not being sarky. I might nick it later - the true test of an idea around here. I mean my house, not these boards. Hmm, speaking of which, does anyone know of a good glazier's who's cheap? No, thought not. Moving on... I wonder about the merits of sticking the title on the first page, but like Bat Vs Super, I'll reserve judgement until I know more. The formatting seems a bit off to me, even when I'm a bit blurry due to lack of milk and tea and a drycleaners. Okay, so instead of complaining about format and the like for the rest of the post and then buggering off on my frankly crap bike, I'll do an example of something I was gonna moan about then move on to the story. At least I hope so. Here goes something, hopefully.... Okay. But it's early on the first page just below the weird formatting. Oops. I think I If it was... 'Her brown ponytail bounces as she moves gracefully along.' Now, my rewrite ain't exactly perfect. Ooh, me so modest. I don't like the word 'brown' in there. Personally, ooh, I wouldn't use it as it's not essential to the script. I don't know that for sure yet as I'm commenting as I read. You may yet surprise me about this. We shall see. There are other things not so great about my rewritten line, but I'm not one to get a horse and flog it. It wants an apple or a sugarcube. Last time I banged on because tense is important. Erm, grammar wise shall we say. I don't need a massage yet. Bit early. You don't have to stay in the present tense all the time. Who does? But it certainly helpsf you do, as much as possible, your script may be the better for it. Maybe not. Like most rules, it is meant to guide. Rules can be and sometimes should be bent. Like Boris Johnson. Erm, internet if that name lost you.

Lol thank you for the read! All comments are always appreciated.

As for the format, I don`t seem to see any formatting errors, maybe its my computer. Would you mind pointing one of them out?

Quoted from LuisAnthony Lol thank you for the read! All comments are always appreciated. As for the format, I don`t seem to see any formatting errors, maybe its my computer. Would you mind pointing one of them out?

Nay bother. I'll come back to you. I would tell what I'm doing in the meantime, but please ask yourself if you really want to know.