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Matthew Here. Just wanted to let you know I've got a new revision for The Courier. You can find a google drive link for it under the Script Review Exchange tab. Let me know what you think. If anyone has something for me to read, let me know and I'll offer feedback. Thanks.
Rob here - as promised here is my feedback for The Courier - review exchange for Mallory Goode.... cheers!
OK first up, I like it. A good story that held my interest. Your writing is good, very good in places, but it feels a bit variable, almost like you was running out of steam as the story progressed?
Bottom of page 4 - really like the description of the city - this draws me in to the story. You really could have done more of this (particularly later on) - I don't have a visual for the Nightclub, or its parking lot - give me the visual! Same for the first Bar we go into - could have a stronger description?
Note too - a bit confusing to have two BARs as locations in your story? Maybe find a way to make it clearer these are two different BARs? Later on there are multiple CARs, again label the Cars - "VARGAS' CAR" - or "MARTIN'S CAR:?
I really like the first conversation between PAUL and VARGAS - this was very good writing - at least I think so...
OK - I also have a list of possible typos or possible corrections for you:-
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Page 3 - typo - “I’m returning your call you about the” = drop the “you”
Page 3 - grammar “Certain issues came up that’s hard to ignore.” = Certain issues came up that are hard to ignore.”
Bottom of page 4 - “INT. STREETS-LATER” is this really INT.? I think EXT.
Bottom of page 12 - “INT. PARK-NIGHT” again, I think EXT.
Page 19 “INT. CLUB VIVID-CONTINUOUS” I think EXT.?
Page 5 - typo “I’ll the rent it to you.” = “I’ll get the rent to you”?
Page 5 - typo “A COUPLE sits at” = A COUPLE sit at”
Page 8 - “Have at it.” ?? don’t understand what this is?
Page 11 - “He studies the photos for a moment.” = there was only 1 photo I think?
Page 14 - “Jonas smiles. Hands Martin the briefcase.” = “Jonas smiles and hands Martin the briefcase.”
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And finally, here are a few things I honestly found a little confusing (or a little odd) during my first read:-
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Page 2 - Martin is “Anxious. Desperate.”, yet has “a weary face.” seems odd to have the first 2 + the last one?
Page 4 - Jonas - he is described as “nondescript” but also “charming with a swagger” seems odd to be charming if nondescript?
Page 2 - I think it might have helped if, in the cold open, we see the name of the night club “VIVID”?
Page 2 - Harrison’s phone conversation (over black) a little confusing this - but OK?
Page 2 (bottom of page) - it seems like the answer phone caught Phil’s call, but then at top of page 3 Martin is talking to Phil on the phone? So... why the answer phone?
Bottom of Page 7 - where did the crowd come from? The description of the bar made me feel like the bar was very empty.
Page 8 “nuclear football.”?? I don’t understand this reference? (I’m from the UK so maybe that’s why - never heard the expression)?
Page 9 - I think Martin would have reacted stronger to an offer of $1000 to drop a briefcase - that’s a lot of money! Instead he merely replies “Can’t your friend come and get it?” then later you put ‘Sounds too good to be true.’ This could be re-ordered better I think.
Page 9 - “As his car being towed. A TOW-TRUCK DRIVER(40’s) gets ready to leave.” typo “car is” but also - is the car getting ready to be towed or already being towed? I think go with being chained and raised, as you come back to that later.
Page 9 - You have TOW-TRUCK DRIVER introduced, but then you call him “The Man”
Page 10 - Tow truck driver says he has to call the number and come to the place. - But it appears like Martin could just pay right now? The Tow Truck Driver could have explained that to Martin.
Page 10 (middle of page) don’t need to use CAPS for TOW TRUCK DRIVER anymore.
Page 11 - “Alright, you get it back this time.” I think you could find a better retort - the driver is just doing his job - but this line make him sound mean.
Top of Page 12 - EXT. APARTMENT-NIGHT - why not EXT. MARTIN’S APARTMENT-NIGHT? makes it easier to read, and we’re already been here before so easy enough to show on screen.
Bottom of page 12 - “Martin, glad you made it.”, small point but as Jonas was last to arrive at the scene, the line seems the wrong way around?
Top of page 13 - Marin asks “So what’s the drop?” - he already knows from page 8 that is will be the briefcase?
Lower on page 13 “See, it’s nothing.” Hmm. I think a stranger giving me a case with “a lot of cash.” would be something…
Page 14 - “You’re a hero, buddy. Thanks.” - didn’t explain that the car window would be open otherwise Martin can not hear this?
Page 15 - “A look that screams ….blah.” This feels a bit lazy (it is over used I think) plus you have already used it earlier I think?
Page 15 - “This is VARGAS. The Man in the earlier picture.” Ok so if this was filmed, we would be able to make the connection that the person we are now seeing is the same as the person in Jonas’ photo, BUT we would NOT know it is VARGAS.
Page 16 EXT. STREETS-NIGHT / Martin’s car darts down a lonely street. / INT. CAR-MOVING / Martin’s behind the wheel. - all of that could have been done under EXT. / INT CAR - NIGHT ? ALSO - I think this is the opening scene being repeated right? If so, find a way to make that clearer (show the Cup Holder with the card maybe)?
Page 16 - “He almost peeks inside the briefcase, then decides against it.” why would he do that? Jonas already showed him the content of the case.
Page 16 “Vargas and Paul emerge” = “Vargas and Paul emerge from the car”?
Bottom of page 17 “Don’t shoot. I’m unarmed. I only came ‘cause your friend Jonas” how does Martin know he has the right people? Might be better if Jonas gave his some sort of description to follow? Tattoo or something?
Page 18 - “Vargas and co.” = “Vargas and Paul” - also there are now three cars in play be careful to be clear. eg. “INT. CAR-MOVING” = “INT. VARGAS’ CAR - MOVING”?
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I hope this feedback is useful.
I think you have the makings of an excellent story here - I would consider a re-write (perhaps start from the end and work to the beginning? so it doesn't have that feeling of losing steam?) adding in a bit more description to the locations and actions. Not too much, but some stinging lines like you have done in places at the start.
PS. For your reference, during my FIRST read I guessed the ending (ie. that the case was going to be a bomb) as soon as I hit the bottom of page 15 - I think you could do a little more to disguise this? I didn't see the T-T-DRIVER coming back into play - that was niiiice...
This shows some potential, technically it’s relatively clean and you know how to set up a story. I liked the opening, I think its strongest part of the script in how you jump between a couple of different characters. You made me wonder where it was going and how it was all connected. I was intrigued.
However, when the story does reveal itself and the paths begin to intersect, I feel it’s less successful. Firstly, there are no big surprises here. I pretty much anticipated every “twist” before it landed and that’s a problem since the core of the drama is derived from these supposed rug pulling moments.
I mean, we just know Martin is walking into a bad situation, we know that Jonas is involved with some shady people and using Martin as the fall guy, and sure enough, that’s what happens. Like clockwork. Pretty much every expectation I had bore itself out with deflating predictability.
The emotional resonance is meant to come from the fact that Martin is struggling to get a job based on his past brush with the law but can we really have any sympathy for him here? He makes a bad decision and will pay dearly for it. Sounds fair to me. Not much to contend with there. Plus, having Phil ring him and offer the job just before he gets nailed feels a bit manipulative and all to timely. Since it’s possibly the best news that Martin could get we just know there is a massive fall coming. It’s like the inverse of that cliché moment when someone says “Well, things possibly couldn’t get any worse”...and then things immediately get worse.
There is a fatalistic streak to this, we can see Martin heading for disaster and we’re screaming at him to run away, go in the opposite direction...but he doesn’t, he falls right into the trap. Now, maybe this is the point, it’s almost his destiny. He has been chosen by Jonas and although he declines the offer at first, w e know he’s going to accept it sooner or later. That is just the nature of these stories, there isn’t one otherwise...but, as I said, just watching a character make a dumb choice and then for it to backfire as we suspected it would, doesn’t make for the most compelling viewing/reading.
I feel it needs a few more twists and turns, a red herring or something to make it feel less of a frustrating and familiar experience. Perhaps Martin does get away, money in hand, job waiting for him the next day but he now has two deaths on his conscience. That’s perhaps a more complex and interesting thing for a character to wrestle with. Sure, he might not lose much sleep over Vargas and Big Thug but maybe some innocent person gets caught in the explosion and that repercussion is something Martin must face up to. I know this would mean extending the script as it adds another act in a way but I do think the story is in need of some fleshing out.
Also, I have to wonder what Jonas would’ve done if he hadn’t met Martin. Had he ever planned to deliver the briefcase or was he always going to recruit a patsy? As I mentioned in my page by page notes, the whole premise of Jonas offering this “job” to Martin has plausibility issues on both sides. Why would Martin trust this guy, especially since he is paying him so much money? Something obviously stinks about this. Plus, on the other hand, why would Jonas trust a stranger with this vast amount of money.
Finally, if Jonas’s superior wanted to whack Vargas, why set up this pay off and blow up a bunch of money, assuming it is real money. Why not just put a bullet in him when the opportunity arises? Vargas isn’t exactly in hiding, incredulously enough, he seems totally unaware of the danger he is in after threatening the cartel with ratting them out. I mean, dude, c’mon, your days are severely numbered if you make a move like that.
Anyway, to reiterate, I do see potential, keep at it. There is some good stuff in here. I just don’t think the story as a whole comes together in a dramatically satisfying way. It needs work.
Thanks a lot for your feedback. Glad you liked it. I'll look over the script and make those changes. Also, I'll take a look at some of your work and give you some feedback as well.
First off, thanks for taking out time to review The Courier. I've been thinking about your review and I'm making some changes, just so you know. I am curious as to which version you read. The one under Short Scripts is an older version, the one posted with the Google Drive link is a newer version with some tweaks.
"I mean, we just know Martin is walking into a bad situation, we know that Jonas is involved with some shady people and using Martin as the fall guy, and sure enough, that’s what happens. Like clockwork. Pretty much every expectation I had bore itself out with deflating predictability."
I've been thinking about ways to make it less predictable, but the story essentially is a "Fall Guy story". I like that aspect of Noir Films-- and that's what The Courier is , to me. It's essentially the story of how desperation can drive a person to make a wrong decision that will causes even greater problems, than the one they were originally dealing with. Also, the thing about Phil calling at the end was intentional. It was supposed to be the "Calm before the storm", moment.
I am working on a version that has an alternate ending, and I'll PM you about if you're interested in hearing about it.
To your point about Jonas, the plan was always to recruit a patsy for this job. He's the one who suggested it to the mob, which is why Harrison said "They loved your idea, make it happen" at the beginning. The reason is that Vargas kind of hid out at Vivid because he knew the cops where investigating the owner.
He (rightly) assumed that the mob wouldn't make a direct hit on him, while he was there. He didn't, however, see the money drop off coming-- which is how Jonas ended up killing him by proxy.
You wondered as to why Martin trusted Jonas, given that he knew so little about him yet was offering a lot of money. In the newer draft of the script( Which can be viewed on Google Drive). There was a subplot where Martin received an eviction letter, specifically a notice to vacate letter. He only had a small window of opportunity to pay the rent, and took the job out of desperation. That's why I asked which version you read.
Overall, I liked your review and I found it helpful. BTW, I'll check out some of your work, and offer my thoughts soon.
"For your reference, during my FIRST read I guessed the ending (ie. that the case was going to be a bomb) as soon as I hit the bottom of page 15 - I think you could do a little more to disguise this? I didn't see the T-T-DRIVER coming back into play - that was niiiice..."
Thanks on the Tow Truck Driver bit. Just curious, though. What would you suggest to conceal the bomb plot?
First off, thanks for taking out time to review The Courier. I've been thinking about your review and I'm making some changes, just so you know. I am curious as to which version you read. The one under Short Scripts is an older version, the one posted with the Google Drive link is a newer version with some tweaks.
Ah ok. I had it on my laptop for a few days before I read it so I assume it was an older draft. You will know from my page by page notes anyway which version I was commenting on.
I've been thinking about ways to make it less predictable, but the story essentially is a "Fall Guy story". I like that aspect of Noir Films-- and that's what The Courier is , to me. It's essentially the story of how desperation can drive a person to make a wrong decision that will causes even greater problems, than the one they were originally dealing with. Also, the thing about Phil calling at the end was intentional. It was supposed to be the "Calm before the storm", moment.
Yeah, I got that and sometimes it can be oddly gratifying when a film plays to expectation but too much of anything is not a good thing and because I was pretty much able to forecast every twist and turn before they happen, it disengaged me from the read. I should also say, I’m not a reader/viewer whose constantly looking ahead in the moment and trying to second guess every plot point. On the contrary, I’m often the last horse to cross the finish line in that respect but here it was just too familiar and easily deciphered as to what was about to go down.
Also, yes, I see what you were doing with the placement of Phil’s call at the moment but as I already said, it feels too placed and convenient, in my opinion.
To your point about Jonas, the plan was always to recruit a patsy for this job. He's the one who suggested it to the mob, which is why Harrison said "They loved your idea, make it happen" at the beginning. The reason is that Vargas kind of hid out at Vivid because he knew the cops where investigating the owner.
He (rightly) assumed that the mob wouldn't make a direct hit on him, while he was there. He didn't, however, see the money drop off coming-- which is how Jonas ended up killing him by proxy.
Ok, that’s fair enough about Jonas, I know the line you’re referring to, I didn’t give it its due import. However, my point still stands as to the plausibility of Jonas trusting some random guy with a task like this. The probability for complications has just risen considerably. C’mon, the golden rule of murder is “The less people who know, the better” Everyone knows that, right? Plus, why not just dispatch Vargas in a more subtle, understated way? Other than getting a cool explosion on screen was there any need to make the hit so dramatic.
You make a good point about Vargas hanging out at the club as a form of protection due to the cops’ interest yet the exchange is done in the parking lot so it kind of renders that point moot. I wonder could you connect Vargas to Martin in some way and that’s why Jonas chooses him. Maybe due to Martin’s new job, he has particular access to a hiding out, elusive Vargas that Jonas does not. This way, it gives Martin a certain skill/ability, thus a reasoning for him being recruited.
You wondered as to why Martin trusted Jonas, given that he knew so little about him yet was offering a lot of money. In the newer draft of the script( Which can be viewed on Google Drive). There was a subplot where Martin received an eviction letter, specifically a notice to vacate letter. He only had a small window of opportunity to pay the rent, and took the job out of desperation.
I think you already do an adequate job in conveying Martin’s desperation. We get glimpses of mounting bills and we know that he’s struggling to find a job because of his past. His interactions with Phil communicate this too, we feel it. I just felt that Martin wasn’t wary or suspicious enough when the initial sum is so big for what is meant to be a simple delivery. I mean, I understand that Martin has to eventually accept the proposition for the story to move forward, I just have issues with how it gets there.
Thanks on the Tow Truck Driver bit. Just curious, though. What would you suggest to conceal the bomb plot?
Hmm. Difficult to say, I think my spider-sense tingled when Jonas offered such a large amount of money to deliver an innocent item, if you built in a bit more of back story around why (at least what Jonas tells Martin) he wants the thing to be delivered it might draw suspicion away? Also, you could work on the relationship between Jonas and Vargas (again only what Jonas tells Martin - it can all unravel whilst the artefact is actually being delivered)?
Then... there's the artefact itself (a briefcase, a container, that holds things, and in film they have housed their fair share of bombs!). I suppose you could think of another item that could be couriered whist you are building in the back story of why it's being delivered, and why to Vargas? If you need to stick with a briefcase, then maybe you could have Jonas fessing to Martin that there is actually something illegal inside (ie. the hush-money) - let Martin believe that Jonas has come clean (a bit) and that this isn't all above-board - this makes it all the more plausible too, considering Jonas obviously doesn't want to do the job himself (I didn't buy the "can't be in two places" reason, I don't think Marin would). It also helps to explain the large amount of money being offered for a simple drop-off too.
That might be enough - these are just top-of-the-head suggestions. There's plenty of other ways you could go of course.
Looking forward to reading a re-write if you're doing one mate.
Thanks for your help, man. I liked your idea about hush money. I'm going with that. I've already worked out an idea about that, and I'll send you a reworked copy soon.
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Plus, why not just dispatch Vargas in a more subtle, understated way? Other than getting a cool explosion on screen was there any need to make the hit so dramatic.
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