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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Friendemies Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: June 2nd, 2016, 8:19am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Friendemies by Marcus Walton - Short, Drama - This is when dirty cops have a mission to take from a known drug dealer, the plan has become altered. Greed has set in and a new agenda has taken place, but by taking this action they have to pay the ultimate consequence. 17 pages - pdf, format


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RichardR
Posted: June 2nd, 2016, 10:59am Report to Moderator
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Marcus,

Some notes.

There are some obvious language errors that should be addressed.  'Your' does not equal 'You're'.  Some editing will go a long way.

The story is derivative of a lot of crooked cop tales.  In this case, they get their just desserts at the hand of the wife which is fine but not particularly novel.  The dialogue is too on the nose and seems gleaned from other stories.  When tackling a known genre like this one, you should work very hard to find fresh ways to present the material.  Writing something because it's been on the screen 100 times won't make your work stand out.

Best
Richard
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Marcus
Posted: June 5th, 2016, 4:58pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Richard for your advice and reading the story. I'm actually going to make this short film soon and wanted to make it simple but I get what you're saying.
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