Murderer by Mark Ndlovu - Short, Drama - A man in black tries to force his way into the house of a young woman. 6 pages - pdf, format

404 error on this one.

I am looking for some constructive feedback to take as notes for a future draft.

Cheers.

You know those shows that are so bad it's funny? This is one of those. I had to keep reading just to see what ridiculous thing would happen next.

The writing isn't too bad, but the plot choices are terrible.

Mark

SPOILER

it went off the rails for me on the reveal of the man being her brother. One would have to believe that she does not recognize his voice or his face for the entire first half of this to work.

I dont get what you mean. She does recognizes him, that's why she backs off from the window and seems hesitant to open the door, cause she knows he's going to ask her about why she didn't show up.

This fell flat for me.  

**Spoilers**

I couldn't understand why he would break in just to confront her.  Couldn't he do it another time, especially after she sliced his fingers?  And if he thought she was the one who killed their mother, and has proof (or facts) like he says, why wouldn't he go to the police?  

Hi.

1. He enters the house silently without having to break in due to reasons such as the backdoor being unlocked etc. But he breaks in because he's not been allowed inside for months. I think it would be better if I show that this isn't the first time Kelly has slammed the door in his face.

2. He's not breaking in just to confront her, he's breaking in more to see what she's up to couped up in that house. In an earlier draft he enters and the house is essentially a tip, which adds to his realization of just how insane his sister really is. I realise this should probably be left in the script. He doesn't decide to come back another time because there have been other times he has came and said he'd come another time.

3. He doesn't go to the police because the facts he has plus the sister he has grown up to know don't match. He wants to see his sister who has been in her house seemingly grieving to really see what the hell she's really doing in there, and when he enters everything adds up. In this draft the fact that Kelly hurts him makes him later realise she is capable of hurting a family member, in the earlier draft it is this plus the state of the home etc.

This could be an effective short but seems hamstrung by failure to identify the MAN right away. Did you have a reason for doing it that way? It would pull us in quickly ("why is she doing this to her brother?") and eliminate the confusion expressed in previous comments.

Fixes: Kelly is misidentified as MAN  when she says "I'm Kelly, your sister" etc.
          Should be "this hasn't got jack shit" instead of has.

Yes, this is something I have realised only now after having been caught up in the idea of Kelly seeming completely innocent and like a victim at the start of the short but ending up being the complete opposite by the end. But I got caught up in the gimmick and lost focus of the important things. In a sense I was experimenting to see if perhaps that would be enough to satisfy an audience but obviously not.

In a future draft I will focus on the actual story and not the gimmick, the way I did in the earlier drafts, and I know this could be an effective short if I did so, which I will in the future but for now I will be focused on other projects.

I'm only 17, and I guess the lesson this short has taught me is that story and emotion should always be above gimmick or effect.

Very impressive for a 17 year old. Keep at it

Quoted from MarkNdlovu story and emotion should always be above gimmick or effect.

Well said.

And in this case, the "gimmick" worked against you -- as written.
In other words, the script has to identify Jack right away for readers, but an audience watching the film does not see the script. All the audience knows is that a man who knows Kelly is trying to get in. His identity won't be known until Kelly refers to him as her brother. So, lookng at it that way, you can preserve the delayed identification.

It makes a huge difference that you are only 17. I apologise for my earlier comments.

A good piece of advice is to write what you know. Avoid this trivial drama and instead teach us about the world as you know it. What is real and important to you? There must be things that you have seen that we haven't or can possibly understand. Help us see/understand it too.

I'm guessing that you are from Zimbabwe. A footballer called Peter Ndlovu used to play for my home team which is where I'm basing that assumption from. So, if you're from there, there must be stories that you have to tell. They don't have to be true, but there should always be an element of truth to them. A writer's prerogative is not just to entertain but also to educate.

Good luck.

Mark,

Some notes.

This one, for me, seems contrived.  You're working hard to plant the seed that she doesn't recognize the man in black.  Of course, she does, and in the real world, she would say so.  They get into a sort of fracas, and she cuts his fingers, which wold be great if they didn't know each other.  But they do.  Then, he magically appears and accosts her.  Why?  I would think his first act after coming in the back door (that she didn't lock) would be to stop his bleeding.  Wrap the hand in a towel and come after her.  Then, he makes some pretty outlandish accusations without any real facts which makes him lame.  If he truly thinks she killed mom, and he investigated, give him some ammo to use on her...'you weren't at the movies the night mom died.  your phone pinged off a tower down the street at precisely 9 PM when you said you were eating popcorn and laughing.  Problem was that the movie didn't play that night.  Projection problem.'  

You get the idea.  Vagueness is not going to help.  And his pushing will cause her to lie more and push her into a corner.  Cornered animals are dangerous.  Keep writing.

Best
Richard