SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 8:21am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  He Dies Alone Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 18 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    He Dies Alone  (currently 3207 views)
Don
Posted: June 29th, 2016, 5:39pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
He Dies Alone by Warren Duncan - Short, Drama - An estranged father makes the most final decision. 6 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  July 13th, 2016, 9:48am
revised draft
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
eldave1
Posted: June 29th, 2016, 6:08pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
A poignant story, Warren - but there were a couple of logic problems for me.

A garden hose would not be wide enough to fit around the exhaust pipe of a car.

He never tries to turn to car off.

Why would John hang up on 9-1-1 and try to call again? I know he can't talk - but how does hanging  up and re-dialing Adam help - he can't talk to him either?

Adam knows he gets this mysterious call from his Dad but in the next 18 hours never follows up on him - also 18 hours? Where would Olivia go for 18 hours? She surely would have discovered his body before that.

Hope these help


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 25
Warren
Posted: June 29th, 2016, 7:19pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
3897
Posts Per Day
1.36
Thanks for the read, eldave.

This story doesn't make sense in certain parts. But that's life, sometimes the simplest solutions don't present themselves when they are needed.

This story was one I felt had to be told, it was cathartic.

A lot of the details are what they are.

Without me saying or showing Olivia having an affair, I felt it would be where readers minds would go. Maybe I was wrong.

Same goes with the hose and the exhaust. Yes they don't fit but it's easy enough to make it work. Didn't think it would need to be shown.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 25
eldave1
Posted: June 29th, 2016, 7:27pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
I certainly did get that she was having an affair - it never crossed my mind. I thought that his depression came from his sense of failure from not being able to find a job.  Anyway - best of luck


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 25
Warren
Posted: June 29th, 2016, 7:37pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
3897
Posts Per Day
1.36
Several issues I thought I brought up. The job, the failing relationship and the estrangement from his son. The last one being the tipping point, and the one that almost brings him back from the edge.

I had the same issue in my last piece. The line between exposing too much and giving the reader just enough.

Something for me to work on for sure.

Thanks


Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 25
eldave1
Posted: June 29th, 2016, 7:50pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
Okay - we're going in circles a bit - I never mentioned that you had not provided a sufficient basis for suicide.

I had mentioned that I thought Olivia being gone for 18 hours (and not discovering the body) was a bit of a stretch.  Your response to that (I thought - apparently incorrectly) - was that you believed it was clear that Olivia was having an affair and ergo the 18 hours away from home made sense.

I still think the logic issues I mentioned in the original post have merit But whatever.  Your script and if you're happy with it as is - keep it exactly like it is. Cheers


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 25
Warren
Posted: June 29th, 2016, 8:28pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
3897
Posts Per Day
1.36
eldave, pm'd.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 25
RichardR
Posted: June 30th, 2016, 8:45am Report to Moderator
Been Around


Posts
889
Posts Per Day
0.26
Warren,

Some notes.

The opening doesn't work for me.  Unless Olivia is a sadist, and she might well be, calling at 2 AM is a no-no.  Dad is dead.  Nothing Adam can do.  Let him sleep till dawn anyway.  Also, it takes a lot away from the ensuing story.  

I didn't get that she was having an affair.  Perhaps, I didn't read closely enough.  It's not as if she's decked out or wearing a sexy outfit.  And she doesn't seem mean or demeaning.  So, I figured she was going to work, something she wishes he would do.

That he goes through his chores seems fine, but I don't detect a note of finality in his actions.  It seems the same as any other day, and perhaps you're looking for that.  But he does take the photo with him which is not like any other day.  

If the car is in the garage, he doesn't need the hose.  Just open the windows and start the engine.  He'll die soon enough.  The phone call from Adam seems too coincidental for me.  Why today?  Why not yesterday or tomorrow?  Can you give us a reason for the call?  Happy Birthday?  A birthday for a proud man out of a  job  and with a cheating wife might well be the catalyst for a dirt nap.  

I'm not entirely familiar with carbon monoxide poisoning, but I would think that even if he can't speak, he might cough or make some noise.  And unable to talk to the dispatcher, he might well call Adam to hear the voice one more time.  But then, Adam should follow up or think it some sort of butt dial.  

While I appreciate that you want to tell this story, I think you can make it better.  

Best
Richard
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 25
eldave1
Posted: June 30th, 2016, 9:35am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95

Quoted from Warren
eldave, pm'd.


Back at you -we're cool


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 25
Warren
Posted: June 30th, 2016, 5:11pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
3897
Posts Per Day
1.36
Thanks for the read, Richard.

I think I will get rid of the hose on the next edit; it seems to not be sitting well.

I like the idea about the birthday and will incorporate it, or something along the same lines, next time around. I think it will be a good addition as it means Olivia forgot all about it which goes nicely into the strained relationship.

Maybe I played it a bit close to reality for this one and lost a story in there somewhere.

Cheers


Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 25
Warren
Posted: June 30th, 2016, 5:12pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
3897
Posts Per Day
1.36
eldave, all good.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 25
khamanna
Posted: July 1st, 2016, 4:21am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
4194
Posts Per Day
0.79
Hey Warren,

Read your short.

I'm thinking no job thing is not strong enough motivation to kill yourself. Maybe it is, but we don't see much of John prior to killing, and don't know why exactly he's so unhappy with his life . Why can't he find himself something else to do? Surely nobody wants to sweep floors but I've seen people who went from teaching at college to cleaning toilets. One of my close relatives had to do that and that didn't seem as dramatic to me at the moment.
I also think we should know more about John. Reading about him killing himself is not fun unless we care about him. Also, IMO we don't know much about his relationships with his son to really feel that moment when he receives a call from him.

I also think that the beginning is wrong. The script is not about Adam and we see the time on the clock and all - reads misleading to me. IMO of course.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 25
Warren
Posted: July 1st, 2016, 4:41am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
3897
Posts Per Day
1.36
Thanks for the read, khamanna.

John didn't kill himself simply because he couldn't find a job. I clearly missed the ball with this script. There are several underlying reasons for his unhappiness. He has no job, he is in a failing relationship, and he is estranged from his son. It's all there for the reader to see, but it's subtle, too subtle I guess as readers aren't getting it.

The script is very much about Adam and John, dispute how little time Adam has in it.

Would love for someone to read this and just get it but it looks like it's going to need an overhaul.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 25
Dreamscale
Posted: July 1st, 2016, 10:44am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Warren, I gave this a read and have to agree with the others - it just doesn't work as written.

The opening scene feels out of place and unnecessary.  I'd lose it completely.

Base on what's here, I don't see the motivation for John to kill himself, and the way he dies doesn't come across as realistic to me.

Slugs need work still.  Orphans can be easily cut down.  Don't repeat your Slug in your opening passage that follows it - it's completely unnecessary.  Try to get away from "listing" your actions.

Finally, the dialogue doesn't come off realistically here at all, to me...especially the first page.

It's a good effort, but for me, doesn't hit the mark at all.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 13 - 25
MarkItZero
Posted: July 1st, 2016, 1:42pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1007
Posts Per Day
0.35

Quoted from Warren
There are several underlying reasons for his unhappiness. He has no job, he is in a failing relationship, and he is estranged from his son. It's all there for the reader to see, but it's subtle, too subtle I guess as readers aren't getting it.


Went through and tried to find every little hint.

No job -- You've got the stained clothes that suggest he's been in a funk of sitting around doing nothing. And you've got him looking at the paper and a mention of the classified ads... so this one's covered.

Failing relationship -- Olivia leaves the paper in a heap. Which I guess suggests inattention, only caring about herself? This is very, very subtle... in fact I may be reading into this one entirely.

But you also have her take no notice of his eye roll. Which may be an attempt to build on this idea of inattention/lack of caring.

You have the line about "Don't Wait Up." Which I guess means she's going to be home late and doesn't care if he waits up for her...

You have "Out of Habit, she kisses Don's cheek". So it's perfunctory, without emotion...

Problem is it's hard to separate these things from just a normal couple that's slipped into the routines of marriage. Some things will become perfunctory, habits form, there will not be constant, intense passion at all times. The occasional eye roll at a snide remark I'd say is very common in a marriage. Not something that draws the readers attention to a deeper, darker rift.

All your hints added together at best suggest a lull in a marriage, that things have slipped into routine... but a failing marriage? Don't think you have enough here.

Estranged from his son -- Not sure it's ever clear they're estranged. At the end, you suggest they haven't talked in awhile. But Adam's 25 years old. It's not uncommon for a father and his grown son to fall into a temporary communication lapse.

More importantly, at the beginning there's no hints. Only thing is the photo taken off the fridge that's from "clearly a happier time". Any photo of a father's son is going to invoke some tinge of nostalgia... so it's not odd that he reacts. If anything, a photo on the fridge suggests a normal, healthy father/son relationship. Whereas no photos, or a photo stuffed in some drawer he has to search around for... that might suggest estrangement.

EDIT -- Missed the opening scene. His son doesn't even know who Don's wife is, so that is a helpful hint. Although it's slightly ambiguous, "his blank expression says it all" made me think he just hated Don's wife and was exasperated when he found out who it was on the phone.

Overall I enjoyed the read. Had some poignant moments. Shore up these last two elements and the ending will have a much greater emotional impact.  


That rug really tied the room together.

Revision History (1 edits)
MarkItZero  -  July 1st, 2016, 2:01pm
Logged
Private Message Reply: 14 - 25
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006