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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  He Dies Alone Moderators: bert
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  Author    He Dies Alone  (currently 3203 views)
Warren
Posted: July 1st, 2016, 4:41pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Thanks for the read, guys.

Seems like this might be dead in the water. Will definitely be giving it a massive overhaul, but at this point I'm not sure if there is anything worth saving.

James, yes that was everything single one of the seeds I planted. Still didn't bring it togeather, so what good is that.

There's always next time.


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Warren
Posted: October 10th, 2016, 4:51am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Quoted Text
Seems like this might be dead in the water


Or not, this was just picked up.


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AlsoBen
Posted: October 10th, 2016, 5:06am Report to Moderator
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I know it's two months old, but I'll give this a read, I liked the logline.

RichardR said:


Quoted Text
he opening doesn't work for me.  Unless Olivia is a sadist, and she might well be, calling at 2 AM is a no-no.  Dad is dead.  Nothing Adam can do.  Let him sleep till dawn anyway.


And I disagree. Simply psychology, (most) people panic in crises, they want to vent and share their sadness. Olivia probably would have called everyone dad knew to offload grief. I've had clients and friends of mine call me for pretty much any problem they have, even when there's no way for me to help. Humans are community animals.

Anyway, despite that, the opening flashforward could be lost. I know you want to establish the dad's relationship w/ his son, but it doesn't seem too necessery. The bulk of the script takes place in the earlier timeline.

This is sad stuff and I suppose it works as a "slice of life" thing, which I think could be played up by focussing moreso on the mundane. In my opinion, and feel free not to take this advice, the suicide would be more effective almost as an afterthought. Lose calling 9-1-1, skip straight to the call to son.

Anyway, I liked this.  Just little nitpicks.


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AlsoBen
Posted: October 10th, 2016, 5:14am Report to Moderator
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Also, I'll add that I understand why other commenters don't see enough "motivation" for John's suicide, but I think it's more realistic as is. It would be pretty on the nose to have a short script littered with evidence of motivation, and that's not how real life works. I would say 99% of the time suicides don't make a hell of a lot of sense. Maybe it doesn't make for good fiction, idk.


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Warren
Posted: October 10th, 2016, 5:20am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Cheers for the read, mate.

Yeah agreed on most points.

Problem with this one though, as I said in the PM and in earlier posts, was it was pretty much how it happened. So it is what it is.

Glad it got picked up and hopefully it isn't modified too much. Just nice that it finally has a home.


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eldave1
Posted: October 10th, 2016, 2:05pm Report to Moderator
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Man - you are an option machine! You ought to write a how to article - congrats


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Warren
Posted: October 10th, 2016, 4:57pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Thanks, Dave.

I’m not sure what that article would say – Write it and they will come.

I’m really not doing a whole lot other than that.

I do the occasional Reddit and Craigslist search and reply to some of Anthony’s listed ‘request for scrips’.


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eldave1
Posted: October 10th, 2016, 5:01pm Report to Moderator
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Damn - was hoping for a magic bullet


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Warren
Posted: December 31st, 2016, 6:50pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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This one just got optioned again to a guy in Vegas. Good way to start the new year.


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eldave1
Posted: December 31st, 2016, 7:14pm Report to Moderator
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Excellent!


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Warren
Posted: December 31st, 2016, 7:45pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Hopefully second times a charm.


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