Elevator by Jesse J. Smith - Short, Horror - Two Security Guards on the night shift go through their routine, when something messes with the monitors. One goes to check it out and what happens next brings nightmares to their monitor screens. 9 pages - pdf, format

This needs some work.

There are spelling, grammar and formatting errors throughout.

The dialogue is quite bad overall. The whole script is written awkwardly.

You have a few "we see", "we hear", show us, don’t tell us.

Lots of unfilmables.

Not sure you understand the difference between an ellipsis, em dash, and dash or how to use them correctly.

I struggled to follow along with what was happing and where.

I don’t think there is ever a good enough reason to capitalize dialogue.

I didn’t really get it, sorry.

A television set "...that writhes into the frustration of a middle aged man." What is that?

Have to agree with Warren on pretty much everything.

Although I do feel there are places where there might be a reason to capitalize a single word in dialogue. But not a complete sentence.

I think you need to use some more commas. For example, I would write 'a room no bigger than a large crate houses monitors galore and two Security Guards. Brandon grabs his radio from the small desk ahead of him,' as 'a room no bigger than a large crate, houses monitors galore and two Security Guards. Brandon grabs his radio, from the small desk ahead of him'. There are other such cases. You create a nice mixture of tension and humour, at times. I would have liked more humour, to give your work more variety. For me, there's so much tension, it looses impact, but that's just my opinion. I'm not really a fan of your chosen genre, anyway. You use a lot of 'fucks', which takes their power away. 'He keeps na eye', should be 'an'. I don't know if it's just me, but I though some of your language was needlessly flowery. For example 'static assaulting his eyes', and 'chaotic swim'. Other times, I think you pull it off, for example when you write 'Alfred eyes it like the door knob could kill him'. Again, just my opinion. Overall, and looking past your errors, that shouldn't be too difficult to sort out (I think), I thought this was ok. I think the hardest part of writing is coming up with the ideas, and story. Grammar and formatting, etc., is relatively straightforward, though I'm not saying it doesn't need practice.