Blind Faith by Stuart Palace - Short - A man of the cloth puts his life on the line in order to prove his dedication to God. 4 pages - pdf, format

Hahahaha!!  Great!  Dialogue is pretty loose, but I enjoyed the story.  Script mechanics will likely have a field day with it, so be ready to learn something, other than that, good job.  

I enjoyed this.

Easy read and well written.

It's a joke I have heard before just written in screenplay format so I knew the punchline.

Got me thinking how many jokes you could apply this to. Not that I think it's how you should approach screenwriting. (personally I don't and can't write comedy).

For what it is, it works.

Hmm,  bit of a dodge way of writing a script, really. I've heard this joke numerous times.

Screenplay wise you did a pretty good job bringing the joke/story to life but I think you might need to be a little less ambitious with your choice of, let's say, set pieces.. For a 'short' it would need a fair ol' budget with the helicopter, not to mention a flood which reaches the height of a church rooftop?!  Bit of fun to read and picture in my head.

Stuart,

Some notes.

Good job writing out an old joke.  A new twist would make this one better.  

Best
Richard

It's well written for the most part. Just don't see the point of writing out a joke into a different medium that keeps the joke identical. Maybe have the helicopter rescuer tell out the joke and this convinces Father Joe to finally give in and accept rescue. Then when he's pulled up into the helicopter it's suddenly God's hand he's holding, all part of the test, and God goes "Ye of little faith" and shoves him back out of the helicopter.

Yep. I know the joke.
Wouldn't have minded a little more from God . . .
"Joe, I sent a car, a boat, I even sent a helicopter. But NooooOOOOoooo. Too simple for you. Exactly what kind of miracle were you looking for?"
I don't know. Something along those lines.

Thank you for reading and reviewing,
Just to add: I did mention this was based on a joke I had heard on the submission form, the box which states "anything else you would like to add?", so I expected that to accompany the logline. Oh well.

Hey Stuart

Well written, but pretty elaborate stuff for a few pages. If shot, would probably go down as the most expensive single joke ever put to film.

When - Hero moves to drag priest aboard, but the survivors grab him -- I would change to -- the survivors pull the Hero back into the dinghy --  as I wasn't sure who was being grabbed.

Also a "heated conversation takes place" We assume we know what they're saying, but I think a few lines would help here, before the crack of lightning.

Ron

Hi Ron,

The expense thing -- I don't think it's asking too much that a rewrite can't fix.

I spoke to a producer earlier today and the only difficulty they found would be the dinghy scene in flowing water, the rest is not a problem.

We'll see how this goes, but it's cool to have feedback and I appreciate your help.


Example: We would not see the helicopter, we would hear the chopper approaching, the ladder falls down in front of the priest, a spotligjht falls on him. That saves the expense of having a helicopter.

I'm left feeling the way I do after reading a joke from the back of a lollipop stick. I suppose some might laugh.

Well done.

I'd never heard the joke before so it got a giggle from myself, that being said if it's already well known I guess this is just purely a formalised visual take on an already established piece of work. This of course is not necessarily a bad thing as it's been done loads before (Passion of the Christ and so on).

As an ex-Christian I was hoping for more. If this was a writing exercise then so be it. From a technical standpoint, it's just fine. That being said I've heard this "joke" numerous times. I was hoping it was going to be something different, but nope.

Anyways, I would encourage you to write something original next time. This doesn't mean you can't borrow themes from other works. Just apply those themes differently and  give us something unique. Because if you're just going to turn cliched jokes into screenplays, then what's the point?

Stuart,
a good, simple script. However, I think you will have a production problem with the water and the roof of the church. Unless the scenes are done artificially (computer).
Good job!
Fausto

Thanks again for the comments, appreciated.

Many films are adaptions from books , all I have done is adapt a joke. A screenwriter's job is to adapt. Just saying.

Cheers.

Oh jeez, you get honest input and now you're getting defensive. A screenwriter's job is either to come up with something original or adapt a story (either faithfully or uniquely). But here's the thing, if you adapt a story that everyone knows and you do nothing original or fresh with it, then what's the point? It would be like writing a screenplay about The Three Little Pigs and going through the same expected motions that everyone knows already. Or take the Jungle Book for example. What if the recent remake was exactly the same as the original? People would ask why the remake exists in the first place (in fact, people did ask this even though it was slightly different and obviously live acted instead of animated).

I bring this up not to criticize but to help. You could have got to the same punchline but with a different scenario. But as of now, this short has little to no merit.

Quoted from StuartP Thanks again for the comments, appreciated. Many films are adaptions from books , all I have done is adapt a joke. A screenwriter's job is to adapt. Just saying. Cheers.

If this is what you call aggressive defensive, I don't know what to say.

I thanked you for the comment, put my point across.

You seem to want to argue about the things you go on about in your rant. Good for you.

I have no problems with any of the things anyone has said, including you. You just want an argument. Sad.

Good luck with whatever it is you do.

Actually, I'm trying to convince you that a screenwriter's job isn't to just merely "adapt" (which was your excuse for writing this screenplay). You need to do more than just adapt, especially if what you're adapting is cliched, tired, and not remotely humorous.

But whatever. Let me know once this is filmed.

And all I'm saying is that is can be part of the job, if not the job,

You don't need to convince me of anything. I've been around the block.

In a fairytale world, the one you seem to live in,  one where everyone's awesome stories can be made movies, yeah, I would agree that we should all strive for originality, or try to give  older stories a modern twist. I think we all want that.

First, sell the sizzle. If you get a bite, then you can get a little more decorative with it.

Again, I don't want to come across as the bad guy here, but you were instigating something that was never there,

Quoted from StuartP First, sell the sizzle. If you get a bite, then you can get a little more decorative with it.

Excellent advice.

If you're not instigating anything, then why did you edit your post? I saw what you originally wrote, and thought your argument was petty and pointless.

Sell the sizzle? This screenplay contains no sizzle whatsoever. What did you do to this "story" that no other screenwriter could have done?

Honestly, it comes down to laziness. You didn't put any creative effort into this whatsoever. And you're now defending your laziness.

Anyways, I've said what I've needed to say (and at this point, neither of us are saying anything new). Just strive to be more creative and original. Because after all, you are a writer.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Excellent advice.

Thank you, Dustin.

Quoted from albinopenguin If you're not instigating anything, then why did you edit your post? I saw what you originally wrote, and thought your argument was petty and pointless. Sell the sizzle? This screenplay contains no sizzle whatsoever. What did you do to this "story" that no other screenwriter could have done? Honestly, it comes down to laziness. You didn't put any creative effort into this whatsoever. And you're now defending your laziness. Anyways, I've said what I've needed to say (and at this point, neither of us are saying anything new). Just strive to be more creative and original. Because after all, you are a writer.

I'm glad you read my initial post, now I don't have to waste too much time on you again.

You're in the wrong and you know it.

I'll try and make it easier for you.  What you think of my story is not what has irritated me, I could care less. What riled me was your ridiculous rant on reply#15. I had not had a go at anyone, yet read your opening sentence. Excuse me? I had a go at people? Really?

What fantastical world are you living in?

Oh, one more edit for you.

You know, this short was based on a joke. Something I heard.  So no visuals attached, right?  I took a joke, tried to make it visual. Of course in your mind, this is LAZINESS! I mean, I just told the joke like it was said, right?
Ever seen this story before? Visually? No.

This is just getting out of control. There are so many shorts to read and comment on.

Why does this keep getting shot back to the top of the thread? Pointless.

Hey, Dustin. Not looking for a personal bump. My latest script has had it's fair share of reads and reviews, I'll take more obviously but my point was more that this back and forth wasn't really getting anywhere and instead of wasting time writing a new comeback, that time could be spent contributing in a slightly more constructive way.

People can use their time however they like. Was just an observation.

I'm leaving this one alone now

I apologize for that, but I'm commenting on someone's comment. On a forum board, it's a possibility that might happen.
Hopefully this will be the last word.

There may be a lot of shorts, but not so many by contributing members. I think those posts deserve the most attention. I'll be bumping your new thread a little later too, Warren.

From a technical perspective - this was fine.

I have heard the joke a dozen times so I may not have enjoyed this as much as others - but solid writing.