Cyril & Gwendolyn by Fausto Lucignani - Short, Dramedy - A wretched married man experiences a glorious life for a few minutes only. 10 pages - pdf, format

I say this in the best possible way.

I feel this could be the next "The Room" in short form.

I had Cyril as Tommy Wiseau and read it to myself in my best Tommy accent, it's hilarious.

I mean the dialogue is extremely OTN but that’s what makes this so good. In a so bad it’s good way.

Well done.

Warren,
thank you very much for reviewing my script. Your approval makes me proud of my writing.  You're an accurate and difficult-to-please critic.
Have a great day (or night)
Fausto

Fausto,

Some notes.

We start with a very typical marriage breakdown.  Nothing special about an argument about money and sex.  It's been done--lots.

Then, we break into dreamland, and this is over the top, which is its saving grace.  It is so far beyond reality it becomes parody.  

And then, it ends.  Somehow, I think the two dreams need some fusing or connection.  But that's me.  The ending leaves us wondering why we went to dreamland in the first place.  

Best
Richard

Richard, thank you for your question...the first part presents the sad reality of their marriage...then, while Gwendolyn watches TV, Cyril goes to sleep. ..during the few minutes of dreaming, he "sees" his life as he wanted it to be, naturally exaggerated and distorted as all  dreams are. The ending brings us back to their real life....one watching TV and the other sleeping. I have been inspired by the French neo-realism.  This was my intent.
Thanks.
My best,
Fausto

After reading the comments, I had to check this one out. And Warren was spot on. This is exactly what someone like Tommy Wiseau would write/direct. Lucky for you, I'm a huge fan of the Room.

But yeah, everything is so on the nose. If you're going for so bad it's good, then you're a genius. If not, well then, you have a lot of work to do. But you put yourself out there so kudos for that.

30 million to kill someone? He must be dreaming.

That being said, if this is their fantasy, does Cyril mind that Gwendolyn will be sleeping with her clients? Most husbands wouldn't think this is ideal.

Anyways, I would try to break up the dialogue with some descriptors. What are these characters doing while they speak? Also, no need to cap words or put in beats. The actors should be able to figure these moments out.

Lastly, the whole dream thing is beyond cliched. If you're going for so bad it's good, then it's perfect. If not, then you've got to push yourself a bit further.

Richard,
only Cyril sleeps and dreams...he dreams of a fantasy life distorted by exhagerations...e.g. 30 million dollars for a killing, wife having sex with "clients" etc....all these dreams while his wife is watching TV....the second part of the story may appear humorous but in actuality it's very sad....this is the premise of the script, at least in my mind. Thank you for your input.
Best,
Fausto

P.
The dialogue is OTN because I wanted to reach the maximum impact...the first part should present a direct, real life  confrontation....the second part (the dream) shows how Cyril envisions his life with all its problems, no money, no sex, no love....during deep REM sleeping. Gwendolyn never sleeps or dreams...she continue watching the TV program. If I have to modify the dialogue, I would make it more exaggerated during the dreaming stage. In my view, the key of the story is the stark separation and contrast between reality and dreaming. Thank you very much for your observations.
Best,
Fausto