Dawn Time by Wes Chick - Short, Drama - A sociopathic self-mutilating woman taunts two late night social workers at a Protective Services hotline. Harassing about how useless their attempts at helping are. In the end they push her to a truth she cannot accept. 23 pages - pdf, format

That was extremely dark.

I enjoyed it. I felt it was a little long but I can't decide if it's too long in a good way or bad way. It made me feel uncomfortable, and I think anything that makes you feel like that has something going for it.

Well written and an easy read despite the length.

Good job.

As always, Warren, thanks for the read.
I was concerned about the length. Apparently rightly so. I'm assuming it's the 23 pages that's putting people off. Hopefully it's not the log line.

The page count does put me off. If it's more than 10 pages I think you might as well write a feature. You're a regular, contributing member though so I'll read this as soon as I can.

Wes,

Some notes.

this one is a bit long for me, but it's well written and flows well.  I like that you begin toward the end of these calls, but they still become a bit repetitive for me.  And i don't know why you need Zach and Katy.  And since these calls have been coming in for some time, I would think these people would have identified Dawn by now.  So, for me, I'd like the story to progress faster and in different directions.  Time to push the envelope.  Still, it's a good job on dialogue, especially for Dawn.  

Best
Richard

Yep, well, I'm guilty too. Seems like almost everything posted last weekend is over 20 pages. All the way up to 191 pages. I do have trouble making a commitment to anything over 20 pages myself.

But I do appreciate the reads and the comments.

Regards,
Wes

Hi Wes,

I am new to screenwriting and this board, just posted my first script.

I read the entire short. Lot of the feedback is truly my own opinions. We all have our own styles of writing.
I didn't read the other reviews.

I've nit picked on a few things the first few pages.

* Don't need "written by' on your title page, just write "by"
* Get rid of CONT'D.
* There are some orphans scattered throughout, action and dialogue.

P1: 3:27 AM -- should that be "3:27 AM"
P1: the use of "is" in action lines -- more like telling us than showing us.
P1: “EXTERNAL”. -- should be “EXTERNAL." (at least American-English).
P1: Rather than "Zach pulls on his headset. He frowns. He hits a button on his phone" -- Zach pulls on his headset, frowns, hits a button on his phone.
p1: "Zach stiffens, tense." -- is tense needed?
P1: You show us the dining (not dinning) table with a phone (android might be redundant). Shouldn't the razor blade, matches, tissues be shown at this point, instead of later.
No need to write objects, just write what's on the table.
P2: "Zach taps at the keyboard" -- Zach taps the keyboard.
P2: "I . . . I -- don't lie to you" -- not familiar with this format, is it suppose to be ... ?
P3: Rather than "Striking a match." -- Dawn/She strikes a match.
P2 and P8: INTERCUT format is not correct. -- INTERCUT - Slug line call center/Slug line dining room or INTERCUT - PHONE CONVERSATION.
P7: Rather than "Zach quickly slaps a button" -- Zach punches a button.
P8: Rather than "Sound of PHONE TRILLING." -- A/The phone TRILLS.
P10: rather than "The first morning sunlight splashes through the Call Center windows." -- Sunlight splashes through the Call Center windows.

Overall, I enjoyed it.
I believe if you tightening up a bit, cut back on the back and forth of the phone conversations (it does become somewhat repetitive), this script might end up with a more reasonable length, 10 to 15 pages.
Dawn's dialogue was pretty good.
I assume these phone calls have been going on for awhile. Why wouldn't anyone intervene and help Dawn, rather than keep doing the phone conversations? She's pretty far down. Just curious.

Good luck with your short.
Frank

Hello Frank.
Welcome to the club.

Thank you for having a look. Appreciate the time you've taken to go over the script.

In regards to your comments on format, I think some of them may be valid, some of them may  be an argument of style. But again, I appreciate the time you've invested.

Generally Child and Adult protective services throughout the states are not allowed to trace calls. People who want to call in to report abuse are allowed anonymity. Generally, when a person of retirement age or older threatens to harm themselves or others then the services, the state, can intervene.  But when you are an "Adult" (age 21 to 65) and you are not harming minors or the elderly, you can pretty much do anything you want and Protective Services can not intervene --unless you've already been deemed clinically insane.

There is no proof Dawn is harming herself. No proof she's harming children or the elderly.

Zach and Katy do try to intervene to the extent that Social Services will allow them.

Yeah, and I really don't want to go to a feature length to explain the law.

Good luck on this site, Frank. I'll look for your stuff.

Regards,

Wes:

Parts of this were riveting. The character's voices are dead on.

I am not sure you need both Zack and Katy. Their scenes with Dawn are a bit repetitive and Zach essentially disappears from the story altogether. The build up of the tension gets lost/derailed a bit by having both Zach and Katy going through the same scenario. I think I would find it more compelling if Dawn will only talk to Katy. Just food for thought.

Anyway - a dark, riveting story. Well done.

Hey Dave, thanks for giving it a read.  I think you have a valid point about Zach when considering this as a short. I'm probably a little too close to the material to be truly objective.

This material is from a full length stage play I wrote many years ago titled Hotline. It was produced at a number of Universities and won some really nice awards. I've been trying to adapt it to the screen for some time.

What I did here was cut out all the fat and just focused on Dawn's calls. Dumped a lot of character establishment, environment establishment, other phone calls, relationships between the social workers . . .  

I'll have a look at cutting Zach and see how it stands.

Thanks again.