SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 1:23pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Saving a Life Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 13 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Saving a Life  (currently 953 views)
Don
Posted: August 21st, 2016, 10:27am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Saving a Life by Greg Earnest - Short, Drama - A dedicated paramedic is training a new ambulance driver when he is forced to confront the one. 10 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Warren
Posted: August 21st, 2016, 10:54pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
3897
Posts Per Day
1.36
I really struggled with this one. Massive chunks of dialogue and action. Just way too much.

Can lose most, if not all, of the parentheticals.

You can’t film this "Dante imagines ways he could kill this man", unless you actually show us what he is imagining.

Remember that scripts need to be visual as they are used to make movies. Only write things we can see.

This needs work.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 4
RonH
Posted: August 22nd, 2016, 2:03pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Canada
Posts
46
Posts Per Day
0.02
The basic premise works, but I would lose a lot of the dialogue exchanges between Dante and Jill. Also when you return from the Flashback, although it is implied, you never clearly state that it is indeed Fernando lying on the floor.

Best
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 4
RichardR
Posted: August 26th, 2016, 10:43am Report to Moderator
Been Around


Posts
889
Posts Per Day
0.26
Greg,

Some notes.

The goal in most screenplay writing is to keep the reader's eyes moving down the page.  Big chunks of action slow down the reader and are to be avoided.  

Like a lot of writers, you use 'are' and some word.  Learn to drop the 'are' and simply use the verb.  The detectives are questioning becomes the detectives question.  It's cleaner and gives you more space for more information.

The flashback takes too long.  Cut, cut, cut.  

The story itself is a nice one, the doctor's dilemma.  In this case, an EMT who holds life and death in his hands and has a reason to choose death.  Yet, he chooses life.  Putting a character in such a situation is always good.

Cut the dialogue between the woman and the police.  Adds nothing to the real story.  Get that gurney out of there.

Work on a leaner writing style.  Every word counts, and your job is to say precisely what you mean to say.

Best
Richard
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 4
eldave1
Posted: August 26th, 2016, 8:24pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
Will wait to see if the author is around before commenting


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 4
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006