I think this is a really good short story - excellent visuals, nice flow.

If you removed the sluglines and some of the shot descriptions and entered it into short story competitions and to magazines. I think it could do quite well.

Thanks Libby for taking another look,

Believe it or not, I actually thought a lot about using the term "piss" or not during the drafts and progress. Honestly I did, which is almost grotesque in hindsight , thinking about a single word... I left it in because it's rougher and more direct than choosing the common, soft way. It shall contradict the flowery writing in an interesting way and emphasize the irrevelancy of that simple neccesity in the picture. I did equally in the last shot when saying that he flips open his lap top "to do shit"... I changed the artsy style to rough there, only to imply the irrelevance of the single action within the whole context.

I'd disagree with your idea of wind and flying script pages he tries to keep. Throwing the script in the bin is a clear decision of the writer. Somehow he expresses if it's not good enough to others, it's not good enough for himself. It's a quite causal and realistic decision and shows he's no dreamer, accepts the market. The romanticized writing process is completely turned upside down by this simple decision to trash it. Trash a months work. In a second.

I know you criticized the montage and I considered it but I see those shots actually flying by. The potential filmmaker could make it his own way and film the transformation to the WoP in her/his way. As it is, I see it as 20 things in 10 seconds, working and morphing the shit out of the apartment.

Coming to the adjectives, describing my script: Sure it's provocative to describe it as static and boring. You probably watch some art house and indie stuff yourself, so you might know how it's meant originally. I saw an Asian movie recently about an old woman helping a young chef to cook the best Asian wraps, (don't know exactly how they're called), damn slow piece. Some would say boring. They are not my audience. Deceleration of life may be a better description. Somehow what I do

Alex, did I read this before? I don't remember criticising the montage at all. I think it's fine and I absolutely endorse a writer's decision to stick with their decisions ultimately. Feedback is opinion only, and we both know how opinions can vary wildly, just read OWC reviews.

When I referred to 'speeding up on film' I'm actually saying a Director will put his or her interpretation on the script as a matter of style.

Just don't call your own script boring. Not good promo. Plenty of other far more intriguing descriptors to use.

It's good. I like it a lot in case you didn't get that. Good luck with it.

Yeah, you did, in the old thread "The Established Depression" when I was reworking it with a dropbox link (a time when some things in the script derailed a bit - but I balanced it out here and made some changes). You definitely mentioned that the series of shots could be condensed what was good advice, so I actually cut some of it.

You also taught me that sheets is not equal to sheets of paper That was funny. I know that you like the script and overall concept, as you did with the previous version too. And it's great, means a lot to me.

I thought it was familiar.

All well and good then. And I'm glad I didn't contradict myself too much this time around.  

Well, I just haven't expressed myself in that direction, regarding my response to your first post here, and I should have. Things then quickly look as if I didn't realize your whole sympathy for the script which was the most important feature of your review (to see what works) of course.  My fault. I also blame the internet for that. We humans need an update on online psychology.

With this script I get a wide spectrum of opinions from "go home boy" to full approval. I accept all of them; however, responding to those heavily differing opinions feels like keeping balance in a shaking kayak, so I partly lose the overview and tend to act irrationally

All good. Pretty funny,  your response actually.

I really enjoy some of your unique turns of phrase, Alex, And, I think this quality often eventuates from writers of non ESB. You end up with an entertaining and inventive line/s which we native speakers couldn't possibly come up with.

Carry on, as you are.

Hey PM, I appreciate the response and I'd be happy to check out your other work. However, I would encourage you to pay more attention to those who are critiquing your script rather than praising it. In your response to me, you explained how this script is out of the box. And while that's fine for an established writer like QT, it's important to remember that you're trying to appeal to potential directors. Furthermore, overwriting is probably the worst way you could be "out of the box." You're not going to combat the accepted standards of formatting by writing lengthy prose. It's you versus hundreds and thousands of other scripts. And you're not going to win.

You can write a slow script without being boring. It just takes a ton of work and a lot of rewrites. And this one needs a rewrite.

Yeah, man, I hear your critique. And you probably won't be the last with your points. I was completely aware of some occurring standpoints concerning the choice of execution even before.  

In a sense it's a very distinct story yet, and a technically written shooting script, storyboard and shotlist may look different and control the picture from another angle eventually.

At some point it was clear to me that my approach is the only right vessel for the script and without it the script in fact does not exist; so I let loose.

We could debate all night long but in the end there's not least a bigger group in numbers, yet, which even partly, I must say to my surprise, specifically stated the writing conveys the plot well. They seem to feel that the uncommon execution belongs to the story and works as its gasoline and backbone (and it definitely makes me even happier that those I find belong to the very best drama writers of this board walk with it). It is what it is. When you done something, you walk with the audience. In the development process, there you may consider the other side.

Perhaps one day you are going to make a similar choice and use an uncommon form to deliver your screenplay or a certain characteristic of it. However, I do respect and accept any opinion.

I'll probably get my head bit off, but...

Alex, you may be interested in this -

"The Southampton Review" Literary Journal is currently open to submissions, until October 15th. Of particular relevance may be the following:

"Writers on Writing"

The only stipulation for this category as that the theme/plot/metaphor/etc. of the submission must be about writing. The process of writing, the feeling of writing, the characters or writing. It's broad and open to your interpretation.

This is not a contest, rather we've created a specific category for poetry, fiction, nonfiction/memoir/personal essay, plays, screenplays, cartoons, art, and photography, that has to do with some aspect of writing or being a writer.

There is a $3 reading fee.

Submissions are via Submittable - the link to their submissions guidelines page is http://thesouthamptonreview.com/submit/

Why would you get your head bitten off?

A nice thing to do.

Just had a quick read.

If there is a reason to go into so much detail, show it. You are not showing anything, you are describing.

This is not so much a screenplay as it is an idea.

Best of luck.

Quoted from LC Why would you get your head bitten off? A nice thing to do.

We have not exactly seen eye to eye on some things on this forum recently.

Ah well, a nice thing to do considering that.

Quoted from SimonM My current avatar icon is an original painting of the great Steve McQueen by the acclaimed artist known as ME!.

That looks like an excellent painting. I've always wanted to be arty and have the walls of my home covered in my own work. Whenever I try though it always ends up looking like a 3-year-old has had a go. Very frustrating. I know what I want - I can see it clear as day in my mind - but cannot produce it.

You've got talent. I hope it brings good things for you.