The Death of Johnny Inevitable by Patrick S King - Short, Drama - After a ladies man and drug addict fakes his death, he finds it's easier to die than to stay dead. 14 pages - pdf, format

This doesn’t work for me, not on any level.

Not sure where the drama is.

The logline needs work and after reading it a couple of times it still confuses me.

The whole script is over written. You are way too descriptive.

The dialogue is on the nose, you tell a lot of back story through your dialogue.

You can remove the continued’s from the top and bottom of the pages.

I feel that the character reactions throughout the entire script are inappropriate, they react, and then move on to something new straight away, it makes it all very disjointed.

Some grammar issues.

I’d recommend reading a few more script, take notice of how lean the writing generally is. Also have a look at how the writers use subtext allowing the characters to say something without being on the nose.

Good luck.

Not my cup of tea.

This one struck me as a whole lot of not much.  You might say it was comeuppence for Johnny but the fact was I didn't care.  

But that's me.

Best
Richard