SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 7:29am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Betty and the Burglar Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 14 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Betty and the Burglar  (currently 1429 views)
Don
Posted: August 31st, 2016, 4:52pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Betty and the Burglar by Rodrigo Baumgartner Ayres - Short, Drama - A burglar breaks into an apartment and ends up confronting a most unusual resident. 17 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  September 29th, 2016, 2:13pm
revised draft
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Warren
Posted: August 31st, 2016, 10:16pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
3897
Posts Per Day
1.36
I think it is a good premise riddled with problems that, if fixed, could probably leave a decent story.

You have one scene heading for a 16 page script, that is definitely not in one location. The scene heading does state that, but you need to break it up. This is not right:

INT. LIVING ROOM (KITCHEN / BEDROOM) - STORMY NIGHT

Either do a new full or mini slug when you change between rooms. Also Stormy night should just be NIGHT. It would be better to set up that it is a stormy night in your action.

No idea what this is:

(B Roll: clock, empty picture frames)

This is unfilmable. You need to portray this to the reader/viewer somehow. Writing it like this does not work:

Betty now thinks it is two years earlier. In her mind Michael
is now twenty years old. She thinks she is forty eight years
old herself.


There are grammatical errors and passive writing throughout.

Lots of over writing, you get very specific for things that don’t need to be specific, like:

“He accidently knocks over an old guitar with only 2 strings producing a loud noise.”

How is it going to affect your story if the guitar has 2, 3 or 6 strings. Descriptions are fine when they are truly needed and add to the story.

I do think there is a story here, just needs work.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 5
Director Ayres
Posted: September 13th, 2016, 3:14pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
new york city
Posts
2
Posts Per Day
0.00
Thank you for my review ever on the website!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 5
Warren
Posted: September 13th, 2016, 4:40pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
3897
Posts Per Day
1.36
Not a problem. Best way to get more reviews is to read and comment on other member's scripts.

Good luck.



Revision History (1 edits)
Warren  -  September 13th, 2016, 4:51pm
Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 5
Nolan
Posted: September 14th, 2016, 8:03am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
175
Posts Per Day
0.06
Hey Rodrigo.  

I was trying to figure out what you were trying to get at when you wrote "Betty now thinks it's two years earlier".  Was this a flashback?  I was confused when I read that, because I thought that it was a flashback, but I didn't see anywhere in the script where you came back to present time.  

Just like Warren said, I think there could be a good story here but it needs to be cleaned up.  Take the advice he has given you, it's sound advice.  

Good luck.

Nolan
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 5
Director Ayres
Posted: September 19th, 2016, 3:47pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
new york city
Posts
2
Posts Per Day
0.00
Thank you.
The explanations in bold are the actual reactions that the loud noise caused on her, and I was wondering if I should keep them or just the quick: 'the loud noise causes a reaction in Betty'.
Did you notice that I'm telling her life backwards? Every time there is a loud noise she flips and in her mind she goes back in time. First she goes back to the moment she kicked her son Michael out of the house which cause him to go to war and die. And then she goes back to when he was still a young teen and his father (her husband) had just abandoned them, which triggers the whole story.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 5
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006