The Nutty Englishman by Divij Kak - Short, Comedy - Albert Brooks(35) is married but cannot overcome being nutty.  6 pages - pdf, format

I never say this, so I apologise, but there is nothing here worth saving.

Bin it and try again.

The absolute first thing you need is a story, there is no story here, at all.

It's very over written, you say everything that happens.

Your dialogue is on the nose. Just read it back to yourself, have you ever spoken like that or heard anyone speak like that?

I have no idea what was meant to be comical.

Best advice, read a lot more scripts to see how it's done.

So I'm not sure what I just read, but here's a few tips...

-read some of the scripts on this site and learn how to format correctly
-your dialogue is way too expository.
-start a scene in the middle of a conversation and end on the most important line of dialogue
-have some sort of twist or punchline at the end

I agree with Warren. Scrap this one and try again.

Thanks for the advice guys! - Divij

Some notes.

Like the others, I don't find a story.  The characters insipid and stock, the dialogue is painful to read.  Listen to how people speak, and how it's written in good screenplays.  

Best
Richard

I actually thought this was pretty funny. What I liked about it, was the main character was so 1 dimensional. He almost always speaks with exclamation marks, and he's almost always really dumb. To me, that's an interesting idea. In fact, when there was more variety in his speech, in the rolex shop, I thought it was less funny, as he lost the exclamation marks, and became more lifelike. There's not much of a story, but I think it's a good start. Or perhaps the lack of story was another joke? I write in a similar style to you in some ways, sometimes. I don't take myself too seriously, but nevertheless, I have had good comments from agencies, and am feeling optimistic. If you made a whole book, that was so dumb it was great, I'd be up for reading it, lol. The real challenge would be keeping it interesting, however.

You're probably young... so I don't want to be too harsh and therefore discourage you. I couldn't get past the first paragraph because you are telling the story rather than showing it. You can't tell us the time is 6:30 without showing us visually in some manner. This could be as simple as using a SUPERIMPOSE. Or, you could show a clock on the wall... maybe it's a digital alarm clock going off... which is a little cliche but is still used all the time. Try to be more inventive though.

Good luck.