Bad Things, Good People by Richard Russell - Short, Drama - The latest addition to an AA meeting proves bad things happen to good people. 8 pages - pdf, format

You know how to write, everyone can see that. It's easy to read and flies by, but is this really a story worth telling, again.

Nothing new, nothing original, I'm pretty sure there was even a similar concept in the recent OWC.

I mean it's okay and would be easy to make, if that's all you are going for.

SPOILERS

I liked this one. I didn't think it was predictable. Actually, I'm still not a hundred percent sure I got the ending. Pretty sure that time he swiped a car it was her husband and kid he killed.

But I don't understand how she found out since it was a hit and run. And since she's so obsessed with vengeance you'd think she'd confront him just before he finally succumbed to the drugs completely. She's gotta have a lot of anger built up (understandably), wouldn't she wanna say something to his face about it?

That's my two cents at least, some sort of additional reveal at the end.

Other that that, only problem I had was with this:

Quoted Text CARL I’ll text you. ALICE No, don’t.  I don’t text.  It’s a thing. CARL Sure, sure, no problem.  E-mail is find. ALICE No e-mail.  I’m technically challenged.  You don’t mind? CARL No, no, not at all.  Call me, OK? ALICE I’d like that.

I guess she's trying to limit her digital footprint. But just her saying she doesn't text might get an incredulous response. And her saying she doesn't email or text and she's "technically challenged"... that would be very weird. How about after his first line she just smiles and says "No, call me. I wanna hear your voice." It'd be an effortlessly seductive little move that wouldn't ring any alarm bells.

I didn't see the ending coming - nice twist.

SPOILER

That being said - I saw no way for her to get the dude from the house to the car.  

Richard,

Pretty good story, very solid writing. Only passage I didn't like was the description of Carl's kitchen, of all things -- middle class kitchen, middle class home. It serves it's purpose, but thought there might be something there that stood out. Anyway...

I thought the twist was good, I didn't see it coming. However, I think there's something missing that could set it up better. As is, you have Alice and a line of dialogue as she spills the truth about her family. That seems a bit too convenient for me, and doesn't come across as strong enough for the reader to be like -- "Aha!" Perhaps a line in there somewhere where Alice mentions that she just "wasn't herself" when she was drinking. Something like that might set it up better. As I said, I like the twist, just needs to be foreshadowed better.

Overall, pretty good. A quick read, no wasted words. Everything flowed very nicely.

Steve

Actually, just remembered Carl's dialogue about bad things happening to good people. I get that and I like the reversal. Still think it needs more though.

Richard,

New to the board and screenwriting.

I liked your story. Solid writing.
A couple of things.

SPOILERS:
How did Alice know it was Carl? it wasn't clear to me. Maybe I missed something.
Carl is a big guy. I guess she was strong enough to drag him out in the garage and put him in the car. It felt that didn't take long. Another reviewer made the same point.

A few nit-picks, minor stuff.
FADE IN: -- should be left aligned, missing a colon.
FADE OUT. -- missing a period.
Mini slugs work well if in the same location (and time) (ex: CARL'S HOUSE and BASEMENT ROOM).
Not sure if you need "Group applauds" instead of "group applauds".
P1: Alice stands at the table -- Alice stands at a table (table is not defined yet).
P2: INT.  DINER – NIGHT -- repeated in action.
P5: Alice clicks her glass against his and sips -- maybe something like - they clink glasses, sip (clink might work better than click).
in action, I noticed a few places where I believe, IMO, that "and" can be replaced with a comma ",". It's more of a writing-style.

Good luck with your short.
Frank

Breezy read, and nice twist.

Only issue I had was the ending, it was a bit jarring because one minute the guy's in the house, the next he's in a car in the garage? Maybe I missed something, but i didn't catch how he got from point a to b.

The rest of this was fine, it was well written, easy to read...the story isn't overly original, but the way you put it together was good.

All,

thanks for the reads.  My goal is always to tell a good story, something that will draw you to the end and then surprise in some fashion.  Also, if possible, to make it cheap to turn into a film.

I toyed with the idea of providing her with some mechanism for moving Carl, but I didn't want to telegraph the ending.  Instead, I opted for small hints at what she was thinking and why she would snuff an alcoholic.  I hope it entertained.

Best
Richard

Hey Richard, I really love the plot twist in the end! I personally didn't see it coming! XD

Best,
Kevin

Richard, good script! A little problem at the end...you know how Carl got in the car...we don't. Smart ending but too much has been left to the imagination. If a page is added to the ending, the script, in my view, works wonderfully. Maybe, another point...Alice cannot send emails or text messages...I never met a "sexy, young woman" who cannot use a computer or send messages...maybe, another excuse would be more appropriate.
All my best,
Fausto

Hey Richard.  I liked this.

*Spoilers*

I, personally, don't have a problem with not showing her getting him into the car.  And I certainly didn't see it coming.  I mean, I knew he killed her family after she said they died, but I didn't see her taking his life.  That threw me for a loop.  Well done.

Nolan

Hi Richard,

Clever and solid this one, with a really cool twist. I hope it gets picked up.

My only suggestion would be to leave out the garage scene. Alice could just kill Carl in his house with her "grape juice" and make it look like suicide. No need for anything else, IMO.

Manolis