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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Skin Moderators: bert
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LC
Posted: September 13th, 2016, 5:31am Report to Moderator
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Giving this a bump so more regulars, at least, give this a read and critique.

Brandon's an SS regular, is filming this in the near future, is open to feedback, and this is a really great script imh.  

Not that I'd want to influence anyone.


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RichardR
Posted: September 13th, 2016, 11:51am Report to Moderator
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Brandon,

Some notes.  

First, I'm not big on blatant characters.  I prefer subtlety, but this is your story.  

I think you might consider making the security guard in the first scene a bit more courageous.  If you wish to contrast the guard against the thugs, then have him fight.  He'll still get hurt, but he'll be on his own terms.

The teenagers in the car work for me.  It's the setup for the last scene, and I buy it.  I'm not sure Alistair would have his razor in the bag and not in pocket.  Seems like a damn inconvenient place for it.  And it's actually unnecessary since the teenager is going to bop Alistair from behind.  

And the Muslim man is a doctor....hmmm.  Seems too good to be true.  I know you're trying to get some kind revelation out of Alistair, but that's not clear.  You need another scene for that.  You might consider giving the doctor a moment of doubt.  He's kneeling beside Alistair, and he has the razor in his hand--just before his son shows up with the doctor's bag.  

Good luck with this.  

Best
Richard
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BSaunders
Posted: September 17th, 2016, 5:34pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry about the late reply! I've been as busy as a bee this week! You're a gem, Libby. Thank you!  


Quoted Text
I think you might consider making the security guard in the first scene a bit more courageous.  If you wish to contrast the guard against the thugs, then have him fight.  He'll still get hurt, but he'll be on his own terms.


Good thought, but It's just not what I was going for. IMO having the Guard scared for his life and completely defenceless, gives the Skinheads the absolute power. And that's what I want the reader/viewer to feel.


Quoted Text
I'm not sure Alistair would have his razor in the bag and not in pocket

Good call, haha.


Quoted Text
And the Muslim man is a doctor....hmmm.  Seems too good to be true.  I know you're trying to get some kind revelation out of Alistair, but that's not clear.  You need another scene for that.  You might consider giving the doctor a moment of doubt.  He's kneeling beside Alistair, and he has the razor in his hand--just before his son shows up with the doctor's bag.

Another good thought, and again, just not what I was going for.

Too good to be true? Mmmmm, isn't that the beauty of cinema?

About the moment of doubt thing... This whole story is about the Muslim being the better man. If I was to give him have a moment of doubt, it wouldn't completely emphasize how wrong Alister is in his beliefs.

And besides, Doctors are Doctors because they want to help people. If they see someone dying, even if it is a young impressionable kid with fucked up beliefs, they're going to do what they can to help.

I appreciate the time you took to read and give feedback, Richard, and I will definitely take your notes into consideration.

Cheers
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MarkItZero
Posted: September 17th, 2016, 8:30pm Report to Moderator
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This story doesn't really feel like new territory, but that's okay, it was still an enjoyable read. I liked that you gave a little sliver of his home life with the framed photo and the rough father. Maybe there's still room to fit a little something else into that brief glimpse into Alister's "private" life. Maybe something you wouldn't expect from a young Nazi punk kid. Maybe he listens to Jazz music. I dunno, something that makes him stand out a bit.

As for the ending, to me a Doctor seems like the least likely person to "shock" Alister out of his current thinking. Doctor's save lives. Even people they hate. It's kinda their thing. I could see Alistar just brushing that off as something the guy was required to do.

The scenario that would really shake him to the core would be if the father from the basketball courts runs over and tries to break up the fight. Then he ends up taking a bullet for Alister and dying in his arms.


That rug really tied the room together.
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BSaunders
Posted: September 18th, 2016, 1:06am Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
This story doesn't really feel like new territory, but that's okay, it was still an enjoyable read.

No, it's not new territory and that's the only thing that bugs me about it. But fuck it, I love skinhead movies. They put me on the edge of my seat and I always know I'm always going watch something intense and violent.


Quoted Text
Maybe something you wouldn't expect from a young Nazi punk kid. Maybe he listens to Jazz music. I dunno, something that makes him stand out a bit.

Mate, I love this idea. I will find a way to engrave this into the story on the next draft.


Quoted Text
The scenario that would really shake him to the core would be if the father from the basketball courts runs over and tries to break up the fight. Then he ends up taking a bullet for Alister and dying in his arms.

See, this works opposite for me. Why would Alister care if a bunch of white boys shot a Muslim after he threatened to shoot him himself? Especially the day after he stabbed one half to death.

Alister is an impressionable kid, who has been brainwashed to hate by his father's views and his Mothers death. And as an impressionable kid, he is more likely to be persuaded into re-thinking his beliefs if the Muslim man saved his life, after he was on the brink of death, rather than trying to break up a fight, putting himself in what he thinks to be not much danger.

Anyway, cheers for the read, mate and I will take your feedback into consideration.
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