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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  In One Hour Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: September 17th, 2016, 8:39am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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In One Hour by Fausto Lucignani - Short, Drama - Before a difficult operation, a surgeon faces an excruciating dilemma. - pdf, format


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Evan Estes
Posted: September 17th, 2016, 11:37am Report to Moderator
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I thought this was a good idea and I see what you're trying to do. However, I think the dialogue is too "on the nose" for me. It seems like you tried to squeeze everything into a few pages. I would like to see this drawn out a little more (maybe flashbacks?) and with more subtext.

I think this concept has a lot dramatic potential!
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SAC
Posted: September 17th, 2016, 11:53am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Fausto,

Good script. A very touchy premise, and it held my interest due the subject matter. Just my opinion, but here are my thoughts. I would delete the last line.  Instead, I'd have the look on Elga's face say it all. That said, it should match the look on Sara'a face as she's being told the atrocities which Elga committed. Elga brings up this subject and it's a bit abrupt. I don't think it reads well that Sara asks questions like "then what happened?" I feel Sara should just let Elga speak. The look on Sara's face should say everything we need to know, almost like a car wreck -- she wants to look away, but just can't.

Either way, a cool script with a good premise. Just think it needs a little work.

Steve



Revision History (1 edits)
SAC  -  September 18th, 2016, 10:50am
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Warren
Posted: September 17th, 2016, 4:17pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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So this is the 3rd time this script has been posted under a new name? Why not just resubmit?

Most of my old comments still stand.

Dialogue is OTN.  People have mentioned that each time but changes have not been made.

You obviously really like this story, why not take the time to give it the significant changes it needs before resubmitting.


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RichardR
Posted: September 18th, 2016, 8:56am Report to Moderator
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Fasuto,

Some notes.

This is a repeat, and it reads about the same.  I like that you put the doctor in a dilemma, and that you leave it open ended.  Fine.  I wish you could add some ambiguity to the patent.  Is she lying?  In any case, the dialogue needs some polishing, and I think you need a reason for the patient to confide in the doc.  This isn't the confessional.

Best
Richard
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stevemiles
Posted: September 18th, 2016, 2:30pm Report to Moderator
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Fausto,

Interesting concept but the execution misses the mark for me.  

If I’m honest that’s some pretty OTN dialogue through which to deliver a very weighty subject matter which makes it all the more difficult to get behind.

As a doctor Sara would have taken an oath to preserve life.  The idea that she would kill a patient is the underlying conflict here, yet the one that feels the most neglected.  This feels more like Elga’s story, yet the dilemma at the heart of it is Sara’s; whose role is largely passive.  I know too little about her character that could give me a strong sense of what course she would likely take.

Why not just carry out the operation and call the authorities?  Or step down and have another doctor attend?  If you want us to believe your story takes place in the real world then we’ll be expecting a degree of real world reactions/solutions.  For this to work I have to believe there’s a chance Sara would risk everything to kill a 96 year old Nazi.  As it stands, I’m not sure I can which leaves the ending to fall flat.

An interesting idea, but for me it needs more depth.

Steve


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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Fausto
Posted: September 18th, 2016, 4:29pm Report to Moderator
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First of all, I thank  all of you for your constructive comments. I will try to address some of your comments ...The dialogue is still on the OTN side because I wanted the characters to be direct...not subtext but to-the-point dialogue.
The story plays around the dilemma faced by Sara (the doc) one hour before surgery. The story tells us that the surgery is going to be  complicated and  dangerous....After the phone call, we find out that she is Jewish (Passover Seder)...she would not risk anything if the 96 year old dies during the procedure because at her age the result of the operation is extremely iffi....the dilemma is: revenge as a Jew (for all the Jews Elga killed)  or the oath to save lives as a doctor. This dramatic dilemma is understood by Elga who asks Sara "Are you going to kill me (as a Jew)?" And we are left without an answer....maybe the doctor will facilitate her death or maybe not. This script has been drastically modified, in fact, I have deleted a major part of the story (Sara had her grandmother killed by Elga in a concentration camp etc.) because it was suggested it was too unrealistic.  
I hope I was able to explain the essence of the script.
All my best,
Fausto
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