The Light At The End by Evan Estes - Short, Horror - When a man finds himself trapped in a cave, he must rely on instinct to escape. Will he find his way out or be lead down the wrong path? 9 pages - pdf, format

Okay, so I’m not entirely sure I get it.

SPOILERS:

Is Mort a madman who killed the woman or is he just losing his mind?

I feel like there are too many unanswered question or, again, I didn’t get it.

There were some really good parts where you built the tension but I felt you killed it every time Mort opened his mouth. I think this script would be a lot more effective if you cut almost all the dialogue, but then again if they are the ramblings of a madman then you probably need then.

I just don’t know.

Not the best writing, not the worst, it was over written at times. I feel that you need to change up the scene headings a bit because even though he is in the cave the whole time he does change locations.

Love to know where you were heading with this.

Being chased/hunted/followed in a cave is nothing new but if it’s done right it can be quite terrifying.

Good luck.

Thanks for the detailed reply Warren! I'm new to the screenwriting game so this is great advice.

SPOILERS:

Yes, the idea was to see Mort's transition into madness. And I can definitely see parts that could be trimmed down a bit.

As far as the dialogue goes, I wasn't sure how to keep it being just a giant block of action without using dialogue. Also, didn't really know to break up scenes with different headings since he is just in the cave the whole time.

Again, thanks for reading and I will take a look at it again with your thoughts in mind. Glad to be part of this community!

Some notes.

This one reads like a descent into hell.  Mort is going around in circles and doesn't know it which leads one to believe he isn't really there to begin with.  Because it is circular, it really doesn't have an ending which can be dissatisfying for the audience.

Talking to oneself is an attribute of madness, so it's ok with me.  Needs a scrub though and perhaps some different props, especially if Mort is going off the deep end.

Best
Richard

Hey Evan,

This was a half-decent little piece. I assume this is just about Mort's descent into madness? Being trapped alone in the dark with no way out will do that. A few things...

I wanted to refer to different pages, but you don't have page numbers. That's actually pretty important, so I'd include those page numbers with any future efforts you have.

I thought there was WAY too much of Mort talking to himself. A lot of what he says to himself out loud can be conveyed using visuals. Audiences, overall, are smart enough to catch onto things if you convey them using good imagery. For instance, he says to himself, "The tracks will lead you home" or something like that -- I'm paraphrasing. But just by showing the tracks, him following the tracks, has the same effect. Just showing his eyes light up with hope will provide the actor with more meat to work out, more of a chance to emote rather than just say what he's thinking.

This would be considerably shorter once you cut out the dialogue... which is a good thing. Especially for a short... it will definitely help your chances of getting it made as a lot of short film festivals are often looking for films around the 5 minute mark.

Now, the writing... you said you're new to this. The writing isn't that bad, but it can definitely improve. There was a bit of over-writing. You can definitely cut down on that.

Also, MINI-SLUGS would benefit you here (I believe someone else brought that up). Since it's single location, you can use MINI-SLUGS for specific locations in the cave. It would help with creating a visual...

Quoted Text He sprints through the tunnel. Light after light whizzing by his head. The rail cart, straight as an arrow, directs him onward. And then it ends. He tries to slow down but his momentum plunges him below. His arms outstretched and flailing, Mort hits the bottom of the ditch. He groans and rolls over on his back, grabbing his shoulder. He rocks back and forth, wincing, until he catches his breath. Staring straight up, he lies with eyes wide open.

I wasn't quite sure what I was seeing.

Mort dashes frantically through the tunnel, flashing past light after light,
following the tracks --

But the tracks ahead end abruptly -- He tries to stop, feet skidding on the dirt as his momentum continues to take him forward --

WHOOSH! He plummets suddenly into a --

DITCH

Desperately grabbing at the walls to slow his fall until...

Oomph! His body THUDS to the bottom.

He groans in pain. Rolls to his back. And looks up.

With some rewrites, I think you can cut this down a few pages, specifically the dialogue. I know it's a descent into madness and I'm sure there would be some of Mort talking to himself. But not THAT much. Feels like exposition, you're trying to spoon-feed info to the audience.

-- Michael

More great notes. Thanks everyone for reading this. I'll definitely keep all this in mind for any rewrites and future stories.