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First Kiss - Filmed (currently 8224 views) |
Don |
Posted: September 24th, 2016, 8:09am |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16381 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
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| Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.
------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Revision History (6 edits; 1 reasons shown) |
Don - March 12th, 2017, 11:18pm | | |
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RichardR |
Posted: September 24th, 2016, 9:03am |
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Posts889 Posts Per Day 0.26 |
Anthony,
Some notes.
This one races to the macabre. I like it, and I wish there was a bit more--perhaps turning the computer for her to watch with him.
The ending works for me, although you might consider setting up the scarf in some fashion. perhaps by a video.
in any case, good job.
Best Richard |
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Jeremiah Johnson |
Posted: September 24th, 2016, 9:25am |
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Posts317 Posts Per Day 0.08 |
Anthony, Ok, guess I wasn't ready for that! Writing is good and not bad for a one pager. Easy to film. Wonder if this was for an assignment? Going to film it yourself? If so, easy to do except for getting some kid to off his sis!😀
Your logline has a mistake. Think you meant "new" not "news"
Good luck with this. Should get made. |
| My Scripts: SHORTS Bed Bugs I Got The Shaft No Clowning Around Fool's Gold Five Days for Redemption
TELEVISION Father, Forgive Me Sheriff of Nowhere |
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Warren |
Posted: September 24th, 2016, 4:20pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.36 |
Just my sort of thing. I liked it, made me think of Dead Girl.
I see no reason why this won't get made. |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: September 24th, 2016, 5:34pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Thanks Don for getting this up so quickly!
This was written for a 1 page challenge sort of thing, ultimately didn't enter it as I thought it was a bit too dark for the brief. So thought I'd post and get some opinions from my fellow SS writers...
Richard - glad you liked, like the idea of him turning the computer for her to watch, will include that in a revision.
Jeremiah - Damn loglines! (glad you liked!)
Warren - Tx, loved Dead Girl, saw it at a film fest knowing nothing about it and was like WTF!
Anthony
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Nolan |
Posted: September 24th, 2016, 7:57pm |
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Posts175 Posts Per Day 0.06 |
This was really horrible.... in a good way!!!
Nolan |
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LC |
Posted: September 24th, 2016, 8:37pm |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7581 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
No offense Anthony, but I think it's really horrible in an ewww way.
Which is mission accomplished, I suppose. |
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MarkItZero |
Posted: September 24th, 2016, 9:30pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1007 Posts Per Day 0.35 |
For a one-pager, this was great. So many crazy reveals in so little time. Nice job.
Was the original contest for a family friendly teen drama? Cuz if so you should've submitted this just for the chance at giving someone a stroke. |
| That rug really tied the room together. |
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Warren |
Posted: September 24th, 2016, 9:52pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.36 |
Quoted Text Was the original contest for a family friendly teen drama? |
Hahaha |
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BSaunders |
Posted: September 25th, 2016, 2:27am |
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LocationGold Coast Posts272 Posts Per Day 0.09 |
C'mon sis!
The fuuuuuuuck!?! |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: September 25th, 2016, 4:00pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Nolan - many thanks Libby - exactly, thanks Mark - thanks, and no, but that would have been funny! Brandon - thanks, I think |
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Stumpzian |
Posted: September 25th, 2016, 5:37pm |
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LocationNorth Carolina Posts662 Posts Per Day 0.18 |
Anthony, Perfectly set up, followed by TWO nasty punches, then out. That's how you knock 'em dead in one round. In this case, one page. Kudos. Henry
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JakeJon |
Posted: September 25th, 2016, 7:20pm |
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LocationNewJersey Posts187 Posts Per Day 0.07 |
Wow! I'm getting old. Readably creepy.
When should the audience come to the realization that poor Cassie is dead? The first time we see her staring back dispassionately or at the end with the scarf and blue lips.
I hate to admit that I'd like more info. on this kid.
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BSaunders |
Posted: September 25th, 2016, 7:28pm |
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LocationGold Coast Posts272 Posts Per Day 0.09 |
Brandon - thanks, I think |
You thought right. I was shocked, but I loved it! |
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stevemiles |
Posted: September 26th, 2016, 1:20pm |
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January Project Group
Posts745 Posts Per Day 0.16 |
Anthony,
First time round I thought there was more of a connection between the videos and the asphyxiation which threw me for a moment - like perhaps a ‘game’ had gone wrong and he just didn’t know any better. Well, like AlsoBen’s short it’s dark - one for shock value I suppose and probably effective. The use of google lends it an interesting angle, maybe underused even..? This is what happens round here when the nights start to draw in - guess we’ll have to wait till Xmas for some happy endings...
All the best,
Steve |
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Reef Dreamer |
Posted: September 26th, 2016, 2:36pm |
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Old Timer Part time writer
LocationThe Island of Jersey Posts2612 Posts Per Day 0.57 |
Excellent - one page. I love those! Back to script... This will be filmed, many times in years to come I suspect. Some of which you will approve Overall, this is an excellent one pager. Best of luck |
| My scripts HERE
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr |
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Fausto |
Posted: September 26th, 2016, 3:28pm |
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LocationNew Jersey Posts193 Posts Per Day 0.06 |
Anthony, good job ...really horrific and sick. However, I would improve the drama by inserting a longer conversation with the cadaver. Did he kill his sis? Why? To practice kissing? This can be explained with another page of dialogue. Maybe, he can also caress her body for added impact. Good job. Fausto |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: September 26th, 2016, 6:40pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Stump - many thanks, glad you liked. Jake - You are supposed to get a clure from the staring but confirmation at the end. Steve - 89 days to go, then again there's Halloween in the way, could get darker first Bill - thanks, glad you liked it, hopefully they'll ask me before filming it Fausto - Glad you liked, after I decided not to enter the one page challenge I did think of expanding it, but decided against it can kept it nice and lean, see if anyone picks it up. Thanks all Anthony |
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khamanna |
Posted: September 27th, 2016, 2:44am |
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January Project Group
Posts4194 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
Woah. I just read another one about the mother covering up the abuse of her son... and woah, I get this one right after. The shorts are getting darker... And I just heard of Pazolini and his Salo or 120 Days of Sodom. It's a dark streak for me or something.
Well yours is certainly mind-bending and kind of gross. Will someone let his child participate in the shoot though - I don't know. I wouldn't. Well, you have a very strong reaction from me to this so I'm thinking that's what you wanted and therefore you excelled with the short. |
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Fausto |
Posted: September 27th, 2016, 1:58pm |
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LocationNew Jersey Posts193 Posts Per Day 0.06 |
Anthony, just a quick question...did the brother asphyxiate his sister and then kissed her? Thank you and good luck. Fausto |
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spesh2k |
Posted: September 27th, 2016, 2:37pm |
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January Project Group
LocationHarlem USA Posts1186 Posts Per Day 0.20 |
Good God, this was dark as fuck. Nice work. Very creepy. As if the sister angle was bad enough. I could see this as a gut-punch of an opening scene for a serial killer feature.
-- Michael |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: September 27th, 2016, 3:51pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
khamanna - Many thanks, if someone will allow their children to be in it... good question, guess only time will tell, here's hoping. Fausto - we enter the story late, he's already tried to kiss his sister, she's reacted, he's killed her and then gone to the internet to prove he was right about the tongues... he is after all both a child and mad! Michael - Thank you very much ... and yep could be a great opening scene, would certainly set a tone! Anthony |
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Fausto |
Posted: September 28th, 2016, 10:47am |
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LocationNew Jersey Posts193 Posts Per Day 0.06 |
Anthony, absolutely genial! An insane child killing his sis for a kiss. If a producer is looking for a horror short, THIS IS IT! My best, Fausto |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: September 29th, 2016, 4:10pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Thanks Fausto - hopefully a producer will agree with you! |
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Demento |
Posted: September 29th, 2016, 9:30pm |
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Been Around
Posts946 Posts Per Day 0.25 |
I hope to see this filmed. But I would imagine, producers, filmmakers might have a problem in getting this one done as it involves kids. And that means it will involve parents who will have to agree to have their kids on film doing this. Which would later be seen by family, friends and so on. |
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James McClung |
Posted: September 29th, 2016, 9:56pm |
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Of The Ancients
LocationWashington, D.C. Posts3293 Posts Per Day 0.49 |
Hey Anthony,
I'm split on this one. I didn't find it nearly as dark as others. Everything felt calculated so as to shock/gross out an audience with no deeper context (I'm using the phrase lightly here, not looking for a "meaning" or anything), which I think would've made it more sinister (as of now, I find it sorta campy). At the same time, as shock/gross out, it is entirely effective, and perhaps the simplicity of it makes it more aberrant.
I'm also split on the ending. A part of me wants more detail when it comes to the scarf. You've provided some in your response to Fausto, but it's not entirely clear in the script itself. I suppose you could argue that it's inferred, but the fact that it's a garment in question and not, say, an electrical chord, it could also be inferred that it's an accident, Ewan's perverse behavior notwithstanding. But similar to my previous comment, the ambiguity might work in the script's favor.
Like I said. Split. What I'm not split on is you do a lot with one page. That can't possibly be a bad thing.
In regards to child actors, I thought about Todd Solondz' films. He works with children a lot and gets away with a lot doing so, clearly with the blessing of the parents. However, it is 2016. Surely, you can't get away with as much these days. |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: September 30th, 2016, 8:45am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Hey James - thanks for taking a look... The scarf... hmm, you could be right... I have an idea about an alternative, may try and re-work... Shock... yep that's the intention Cheers Anthony |
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Gum |
Posted: September 30th, 2016, 10:47am |
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Been Around
LocationSome travelling Circus... Posts832 Posts Per Day 0.42 |
Not sure why you would want this produced IMO… strictly shock value, perhaps.
I’m noticing a celebration of death, or ‘hurt’ culture floating about this board lately, involving kids too. I’m not sure where it all stems from either. Outside of a select few entries it (pedophilia, murder, incest, slasher themes, home invasion, etc) appears to be the flavor of the month… so weird. Maybe cause Halloween is just around the corner?
I don’t know. Tie a ‘Hogwarts’ scarf around her neck and prop her up against ‘The Hunt of the Unicorn’ tapestry. Art for art’s sake… that whole chestnut. |
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AlsoBen |
Posted: September 30th, 2016, 11:02am |
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Been Around
LocationAustralia Posts727 Posts Per Day 0.16 |
Hi Anthony,
What I found unsatisfying about this is that it's shocking, without a buildup. It's like porn with only the last three seconds.
At the moment, it's like a youtube sketch due to it's length.
A few things:
"EWAN, 10, scrawny with bad skin" - a 10 year old with acne? He's REALLY unlucky.
"He taps away on his tablet, solely intent on the screen. INSERT: Laptop screen"
Laptop or tablet? It's a little thing but you can't distract a reader with only one page.
Although there is oppurtunity here, if filmed, for a director or actors (child actors!) to show skills, it's hard to convince a crew to put in a good effort with less than a minute of film time. If this were produced, I imagine the team doig so would ask you to expand on it anyway (or else they're not in a position to produce anything longer than a minute in which case the film will be of a low quality).
Just some thoughts. |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: September 30th, 2016, 3:27pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Canis/Ben - thanks for taking a read, appreciated. Canis - I tend to write darker fare all year round (check out Stuffed), and wrote this a couple of months ago before putting it up, so not a Halloween thing. But it's certainly not a celebration of his actions, hurting kids or anything else... but sometimes what we write reflects life, and life can be shocking. Ben - It was written for a 1 page competition, have expanded ever so slightly but it's length came from that originally. I quite like trying to get a story into 1 page, it's a little like writing a haiku, imho of course. So I feel this works as a micro-short - but some may not and that's fine too. My daughter developed bad skin when she was 9, a few dermatologist visits later and all fine, but it's not that unusual apparently. Laptop screen, good catch, agree and will change. 1 minute films being low quality... don't think I agree... not sure how length is an indicator of quality - unless we're back to porn analogies (My other 1 page script, Flowers, was filmed and subsequently won an award). Just on the subject of the scripts themes... The idea for this came from the proliferation of YouTube instruction videos and me wondering what harm could such videos do in the wrong hands... and there's thousands of them on how to kiss 'properly'. Anthony |
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Revision History (1 edits) |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 6:57am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
First Kiss, has been bought by Stearns Media Group - Atlanta, for production in next few months. |
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Stumpzian |
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 7:04am |
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January Project Group
LocationNorth Carolina Posts662 Posts Per Day 0.18 |
Congrats. Thought First Kiss was a winner. |
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MarkRenshaw |
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 10:00am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.59 |
Brilliant! |
| For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK |
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Grandma Bear |
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 10:09am |
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LocationThe Swamp... Posts7961 Posts Per Day 1.36 |
Congratulations! SS is the best place to get your scripts discovered! I've always said that. How many is that now, 20? |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 10:33am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Thanks all!
Pia - 18 so far from SS/STS
Inktip is a distant second on 6. |
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Reef Dreamer |
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 10:57am |
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Old Timer Part time writer
LocationThe Island of Jersey Posts2612 Posts Per Day 0.57 |
Excellent - one page. I love those! Back to script... This will be filmed, many times in years to come I suspect. Some of which you will approve Overall, this is an excellent one pager. Best of luck |
No surprise there then Well done |
| My scripts HERE
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 4:28pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Almost psychic Bill |
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Warren |
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 4:32pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.36 |
Congrats, Anthony.
I really enjoyed this and look forward to seeing it. |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: October 19th, 2016, 3:40am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
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eldave1 |
Posted: October 19th, 2016, 9:29am |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.95 |
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Nolan |
Posted: October 21st, 2016, 7:38am |
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Nomad |
Posted: October 21st, 2016, 9:19am |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts721 Posts Per Day 0.15 |
Anthony,
You disgust me!
I've NEVER been so repulsed by a script in all my life!
WELL DONE!!!
If eliciting emotion is the name of the game, you just won. I wanted to reach through my monitor and wring that scrawny kid's neck.
For a one pager you sure pack a punch.
I miss one pagers. They are so poetic.
Congrats on the sell. I look forward to not watching it.
Jordan |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: October 21st, 2016, 11:18pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Dave, Nolan, Jordan - many thanks ! |
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Mr. Blonde |
Posted: October 22nd, 2016, 7:10am |
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AdministratorWhat good are choices if they're all bad?
LocationNowhere special. Posts3064 Posts Per Day 0.57 |
Big congratulations, Anthony. I can't believe you've gotten 18 so far. That's so cool. This is just another one to throw on the proverbial pile, while you churn out another dozen successes. You're off to bigger and better things. =) |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: October 22nd, 2016, 8:17am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Tx Mr Blonde - always great to sell/option another short, just wish they all ended up getting filmed! |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: November 5th, 2016, 7:21am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
This is scheduled to shoot at the end of November, film maker is hoping to release pre-Xmas... |
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Nomad |
Posted: November 5th, 2016, 9:57pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts721 Posts Per Day 0.15 |
...film maker is hoping to release pre-Xmas... |
'Cause nothing says "Christmas", like incestuous soroicide. Jordan |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: November 6th, 2016, 4:05am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
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MarkRenshaw |
Posted: November 7th, 2016, 4:18am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.59 |
Nice one! |
| For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: November 25th, 2016, 8:19pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Shooting tomorrow and just heard that they've tweaked it... now sisters! |
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LC |
Posted: November 26th, 2016, 12:38am |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7581 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Ooh, curious why the did that. Did they tell you why? Is it the incestuous angle which would come across even if sisters. Perhaps they should be twins - nice twin/evil twin. Or, just friends on a play-date. That way they could be male and female, female and female, male and male.. I'm exausting myself with the possibilities now. |
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Demento |
Posted: November 26th, 2016, 1:00am |
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Been Around
Posts946 Posts Per Day 0.25 |
Interested to see how this one comes off.
What makes me most happy is that there's a "sold" next to the thread title. I want to see more of that. |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: November 26th, 2016, 4:47am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Apparently they got better talent with the girls that auditioned... interesting twist though I like the Sold label too, have someone circling Teddy Bear at the moment, so fingers crossed. |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: January 18th, 2017, 7:30pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
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Don |
Posted: January 18th, 2017, 7:44pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16381 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
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| Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.
------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Grandma Bear |
Posted: January 18th, 2017, 7:49pm |
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Administrator
LocationThe Swamp... Posts7961 Posts Per Day 1.36 |
That looked great! Congrats!
However, I think the filmmakers failed to deliver the punchline that worked so well in the script. |
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Don |
Posted: January 18th, 2017, 10:14pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16381 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
I was almost afraid to watch this. I think the execution was very, very good, however I have to agree with Pia. Everything spot on. Actresses great, stunning, lighting, sound, perfect. I think the reveal was a little too soon. However, if you haven't read the script, you wouldn't know.
Don |
| Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.
------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Zack |
Posted: January 18th, 2017, 10:24pm |
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January Project Group
LocationErlanger, KY Posts4487 Posts Per Day 0.69 |
Haven't read the script (yet!), but did give the film a go. Like Pia and Don said, technically it's very well made. Really enjoyed the cinematography. Unfortunately the ending didn't have the impact I think it was meant to. It seems like the "twist" is given away almost immediately. Maybe it works better in the script... Either way, congrats on getting it filmed. * Well damn, it seems the script has been removed. *Don's edit - the script is still available at: https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/35583122/First%20Kiss.pdf~Zack~ |
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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown) |
Don - January 19th, 2017, 10:29am | added script link | | |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: January 19th, 2017, 6:54am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Hi Pia/Don/Zack Thanks for having a watch... I think the reveal may be more obvious if you've read the script, though Zack saw it early too, it's also a very short short so that might make it more difficult. But overall I think the production values are great, the acting is really good and the switch to two girls has added an extra dimension. I'm really pleased with this one given I almost didn't put it out in the world! Zack, script is still up on my website - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/first-kiss/4593064844Have another, called Grandma, which should see the light of day in next month or so. Anthony |
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Nolan |
Posted: January 19th, 2017, 3:18pm |
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Posts175 Posts Per Day 0.06 |
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Reply: 59 - 65 |
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MarkRenshaw |
Posted: January 19th, 2017, 3:45pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.59 |
Congratulations on getting this filmed. Great production value, good acting and she was very creepy! Love the choice of music in the titles.
I have to say I think they gave away the fact that the sister was dead way too early. From my reading of the script this is two young siblings experimenting with kissing and then it goes that extra WTF moment at the end when you realise she's kissing someone who's dead!
That element is lost here and it gives the audience too long to ask questions.
However, that's just my personal opinion. It's still awesome!
-Mark
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| For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK |
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Reply: 60 - 65 |
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khamanna |
Posted: January 19th, 2017, 4:02pm |
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January Project Group
Posts4194 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
Oh, they made quite a few changes to it but the story hasn't changed. Her being a girl - even creepier this way. I really liked the kiss talk at the beginning - Mom says we have to try things together - I remember that at the beginning of the script. But great job either way. Nice acting too. Congrats. |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: January 19th, 2017, 6:30pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Thanks Khamanna - agree, two girls is def creepier and works really well! |
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Zack |
Posted: January 19th, 2017, 7:19pm |
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January Project Group
LocationErlanger, KY Posts4487 Posts Per Day 0.69 |
Read the script, though now that it's been produced I'm not sure how much weight this review will hold. Personally, I think the screenplay is far superior to the finished product. Definitely has more punch. As for the gender swap, I could take it or leave it. It's creepy as hell either way. Good stuff Anthony.
~Zack~ |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: January 20th, 2017, 3:34pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Thanks Mark/Zack Mark, yep possibly so, but what ya gonna do Zack - thanks, and glad you liked the script! Anthony |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: January 20th, 2017, 3:35pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
And thanks Nolan!
(I got my responses out of order!) |
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