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I won't comment on the writing, didn't notice anything glaring.
As for the story, I'm not quite sure what to make of it. It IS very much relevant with current events and such. Lamar is frightened when he sees the cops... but they're nice to him. His hands tremble at 7-11 because, for the first time, he felt truly...
Scared, I guess? You cut that final line of dialogue off, which is cool... but I'm not sure what exactly you were trying to say with that ending. Is his wife dead? I tried going back to see if this tied in with that "Don't be too long" comment at the beginning. But I couldn't find a connection. Did HE die? I might be missing something here.
This one is timely and topical. It works. Someone comes upon the police and experiences a moment of indecision. I think that is almost a universal feeling, like spotting a police car in the rear view mirror. This is tastefully handled, and I think takes the audience where you want them to go.
… after hearing a very similar story, I felt compelled to write about it as I felt the emotions involved were very real…
Hey Steven,
I think the story works based on that emotional element behind it, however, believe the scenario itself might come off as stale, or rubber stamped regarding an ongoing issue of racial tension.
You sold me on the fear factor though, and the very same (emotional) state would parallel a person of any race, color, or creed that may be in a tense situation they never foresaw. It plays on a universal element of human emotion when caught off guard and, the fact that people can feel utterly defenseless and vulnerable at times least expected.
I remember walking into a mall back in the day, feeling pretty confident about life, etc… until I noticed about 7 or 8 BFI’s standing in a group, staring at me. Not just staring… looking at me like I’m the source of all their ill gotten woe. Then, they casually turned away, got back to whatever they were doing and, most likely forgot that I even existed. That was several years ago, and to this day I still remember the fear that paralyzed me, if just for a brief moment. Thing is… it was all in my head, nothing transpired, and yet I hated the fact that it happened cause I didn’t have a fucking clue what to do if something did happen.
If not for anything else, this story nailed the concept of that immutable fear lurking within society… well done.
Revision*
Sorry man, read it again to see if I missed something. I believe the ending is where you could put the script into overdrive, to really bring out his emotional state for the viewers.
A simple montage of him maybe playing the guitar as he usually does but, realizing that those sweet notes are now coming out as white noise as he just can’t seem to find the right notes. Then pan to another task at hand, something intricate requiring concentration like having him soldering a circuit board or woodworking, etc… but that’s a no go either because his mind is in a faraway place. Then a quick burst of shots having him doing something else, then something else, then finally, rummaging through a closet with extreme determination, digging out an old pair of boxing gloves, and wailing on an old ratty punching bag with everything he has for what seems like… forever, till he collapses on the floor in an emotional catharsis… eventually closing his eyes and falling asleep.
All just opinion of course, something to bring that human emotion to the forefront of this piece. All the best…
Umm... after reviewing I better make clear that BFI is a colloquial in the system, big friendly instigator... like a shit disturber, don't want to be slinging racial slurs y'know...
Canis, Richard, Michael, JE, Kirsten, Herbert, Steve & Nolan --
Thanks all so much the the awesome feedback you've provided. I appreciate the time everyone took to read this and provide notes. Can't say which ones will make it in a rewrite, or even when a rewrite will appear. Sorry if some got confused towards the end -- something I'll have to think about. Don't want anyone being confused. Though I'm glad, for the most part, that the message came through. The smaller message that you don't hear about on the news.
Thanks for reading, Dave. Not a bad idea about the ending, either. It's something I've done before in other shorts. I'll think on that. Oh yeah, I left it open to interpretation, but that word would have been "helpless."
Thanks for reading, Dave. Not a bad idea about the ending, either. It's something I've done before in other shorts. I'll think on that. Oh yeah, I left it open to interpretation, but that word would have been "helpless."