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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    Short Sci Fi - January 07 One Week Challenge  ›  The Rainbow Express
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  Author    The Rainbow Express  (currently 5802 views)
Don
Posted: January 21st, 2007, 6:30pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Rainbow Express by Raleigh St. Clair - Short, Sci Fi , Popcorn - A Space merchant is hunted by a ruthless Bounty Hunter. 8 pages - html, format


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Zombie Sean
Posted: January 21st, 2007, 9:55pm Report to Moderator
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Wow, I should have figured out what I was about to read by looking at the title, but I didn't really give it into much consideration.

This script has a lot of sci-fi in it, but I didn't see any popcorn. But it was still good. I got confused at some parts, because there were points where I didn't know what was going on, but they all came clear as I read more.

Sean
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James McClung
Posted: January 21st, 2007, 10:22pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this one a lot. This was a real down-and-dirty un-politically correct sci-fi. I thought the dialogue was great (in the context of the style), there were some laughs, some decent action, and interesting characters you don't see a lot of in sci-fi. Kind of like Star Wars on crack. That's my interpretation anyway.

Still, the script's not without it's flaws. The biggest one being the fact that Big Hog is a bounty hunter yet all he does is sit on his ass and eat "chicken." That's not what a bounty hunter does. That's the exact opposite of what they do, actually. They're supposed to hunt. Big Hog does no such thing.

There also doesn't seem to be any popcorn in this script. The MTV Movie Award just doesn't cut it as far as I'm concerned. It's just a statue and even that doesn't have much significance in the story. Also, I don't think Al Pacino ever received an MTV Movie Award. I think he's a little too classy for that. I don't even think MTV had the Movie Awards back in the 80s. After all, that's when it was actually music television. Sorry. That just bugged me a little.

In short, a really fun, original piece of work with a distinct sense of style. Great job!


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Mr.Z
Posted: January 21st, 2007, 10:53pm Report to Moderator
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Events happen here in a sort of arbitrary way, feels like the author just made things move a long in order to get some laughs out of the reader. It’s got a “Spaceballs” feel but with a dirtier tone.

Can’t say that the story grabbed me but I chuckled with the bounty hunter’s behavior towards his slaves.

No pop corn in here, mate, although there’s plenty of sci-fi.



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Mr.Z  -  January 21st, 2007, 11:12pm
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Steve-Dave
Posted: January 21st, 2007, 11:26pm Report to Moderator
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This one was fucking weird, but you definitely get an A for creativity, I'll tell you that much.

SPOILERISTICS.................................................................................................

The MTV popcorn trophy was a clever way of incorporating popcorn, though, did they have the MTV awards when Scarface came out?

I also got confused a couple times at what was going on. One was Hog talking about eating the lesbian cunt, I thought he ate her out or something, and then he's eating chicken as he says it, but talks as if he's eating her that moment. and say it "tastes" good, when if it were "tasted" good, past tense, it would have made more sense, so that was worded oddly.

Also, at the end you used a lot of he does this, and he does that, but didn't give the names, so it was hard decifering which he was doing what. At first I thought Little Willie killed himself with a stab in his gut, but I think he stabbed Hog right? Cuz you just put "He pulls out a knife and jabs it in his gut" But who's gut. What went where. It was confusing. But all and all it was very creative nonetheless.


"Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd" - George Carlin
"I have to sign before you shoot me?" - Navin Johnson
"It'll take time to restore chaos" - George W. Bush
"Harry, I love you!" - Ben Affleck
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"Whoever does any work on the Sabbath day must be put to death." - Exodus 31:15
"No one ever expects The Spanish Inquisition!" - The Spanish Inquisition
"Matt Damon" - Matt Damon
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Parker
Posted: January 22nd, 2007, 6:45am Report to Moderator
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Yeah, I dug this one. It was pretty good though no popcorn what-so-ever to be honest. The award might look like popcorn but it ain't so. That by itself let this one way down for me. All I can say is good job with the story, flow and everything but you should've incorperated popcorn into it much, much better.


I may be an idiot, but I'm no idiot.
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The boy who could fly
Posted: January 23rd, 2007, 10:40am Report to Moderator
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First one for me

I read they synopsis and I knew who wrote this one.

This was really funny, I thought some of the dialogue here was great.

The way popcorn was used with the MTV movie award was very creative.

You got the theme and the genre in there an used them in a different way, so good job there.

I dunno really what else to say, it made me laugh a lot so good work sir

now only 14 to go.


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tomson
Posted: January 23rd, 2007, 2:43pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this one, I thought it was quite funny. All the little things from character names to description to dialogue.  I liked how you took this not just into comedy, but a step further still by adding the Gay/lesbian angle.  This is what I think of as kicking a script up a notch.

I loved the dialogue.  I'm not going to quote it here since some of it is....  You know.

You definitely had the sci-fi genre, but you were short on popcorn, although it was in there.

I liked the different earth items in the shop.  Those items give you away as the author at least to those who are familiar with you and your scripts.

The ending with Little Willie was subtle.  I guess he wanted a memento of his master, but everyone may not have got that part.

All in all I enjoyed it and had a good laugh and like  James said, an original piece of work for sure. I even liked the titile.

Good job!  
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mcornetto
Posted: January 25th, 2007, 2:35am Report to Moderator
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I can't say that I cared much for the treatment of homosexuals in this script. I know a good number of people who would find it quite offensive.  I understand the whole politically incorrect thing and I don't really have an objection to it and it would be ok if it was humourous but it wasn't. I didn't get a chuckle out of this script. Plus to add insult to injury there wasn't any popcorn.

A word of advice. If you are going to make fun of a segment of population in a politically incorrect way then you should NEVER use derogatory words that offend that segment. They won't laugh it off. Using the term faggot in this piece was its downfall.  

Revision History (1 edits)
Mr.Z  -  January 25th, 2007, 11:27pm
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Higgonaitor
Posted: January 25th, 2007, 2:34pm Report to Moderator
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Hey.

I didn't like this one very much at all.  I could tell that there were parts that were supposed to be funny, but I just found them pretty dumb.  Although there was plenty of sci-fi, what you had as you popcorn hardly counts as has been established previosly.  Things seemed to happen on a whim as if nothing really mattered and in the end nothing really did.  Also, I'm gonna have to agree with mcornetto on doing a bad job with the trying to make jokes about homosexuality.  It wasn't like you were making fun of a certain stereotype, but simply the fact that they were gay, which alone shouldnt really be funny.

I really just did not enjoy this one much at all, which is too bad.

-Tyler


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greg
Posted: January 25th, 2007, 11:18pm Report to Moderator
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You know, I felt this one overall was clever, but I also think it could have been alot better.  There's alot creativity in here and some clever themes and I liked the references you used that were drawn to earth.  Big Hog didn't seem like a typical bounty hunter, though.  I think if he was more involved in the action then maybe things could have flown better.  I mean I can tell that some of the crude exchanges in here were supposed to be funny, but they just didn't come off as it.

Nevertheless I liked this piece.  Good job.


Be excellent to each other
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Old Time Wesley
Posted: January 27th, 2007, 10:11pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Kevan
This didn't do much for me except act as an enema…


...


Quoted from Kevan
I'm not telling you off or raping your knuckles here, just simply asking you think what you write before you post it because you can offend others here.


I'm asking you the same thing, sir.

Screenplays don't give enemas, I'm sorry to tell you.

Everything posted here was awesome as far as being helpful goes.

To those who read it, whether it offended you or not, I still thank you for reading it.


Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.

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Old Time Wesley  -  February 1st, 2007, 1:58pm
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Kotton
Posted: January 27th, 2007, 11:08pm Report to Moderator
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I agree. I am having a proiblem with opening scipts but I was able to open this and I liked it because it seemed tongue in cheek in nature . It was campy and was probably intended as such. Good job.

--Kotton


A spoon does not know the taste of soup, nor a learned fool the taste of wisdom.
                                                                    

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Kotton  -  January 27th, 2007, 11:37pm
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mcornetto
Posted: January 27th, 2007, 11:14pm Report to Moderator
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Since Eddie Murphy is beyond the scope of this thread we will talk about this script. It's quite offensive. It might be a lark but it isn't funny.  As far as being anti-gay, this piece reeks of it. I’ll tell you why.

1. Use of the term faggot to refer to a gay person is quite offensive. I've already said this.  It is similar to calling a black person a n*****. Would you do that in one of your scripts?  Would you expect blacks to appreciate it?
2. The hero Raffi is gay, born and bred that way, but he doesn't want to be gay.  He doesn’t like being gay? Hmmm!
3. The lesbian couple are referred to as "two abominations will be executed for crimes against humanity".  I’m sure the lesbians I know would love being referred to as abominations.  They would definitely buy a copy of this film and watch it over and over again.
4. The villain, also gay, is brutally castrated at the end.  I don’t think I need to elaborate on the symbolism of this act.

This script is filled with gay people and not ONE of them is portrayed in a good light, they are treated with hatred and disgust.  To me that pretty much makes it bigoted and anti-gay.

Wesley is entitled to write whatever he likes, I would never try to censor him. I would never try to censor anyone!  But I am damn well going to express my opinion. I would hope that Wesley realizes that he was likely to offend people with this script. If not, now he does.
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Old Time Wesley
Posted: January 27th, 2007, 11:32pm Report to Moderator
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I do not have to justify the script as the life span of a short is two months and it dies. The Molly Dolly was much worse and it never sparked this. Why? Because it's not my personal feelings.

People are smart enough to realize it's meant as entertainment. I don't expect everyone to like stuff but don't come in here calling me a gay basher.

I can live with my screenplays because I separate myself from the stories that I tell. I have no problems sleeping at night because I'm not trying to change the world.


Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.
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