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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Action / Adventure Scripts  ›  Two Bits & A Broken Promise
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  Author    Two Bits & A Broken Promise  (currently 2389 views)
PrussianMosby
Posted: February 3rd, 2017, 5:51pm Report to Moderator
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Re Tony's question: I'd say yes to some degree. In the given example though I also don't see a real problem or super valid choice to take; it doesn't sound as a complication for real, one way or the other. Although, I constantly changed my own habits myself and moved on to different, new and old, and back and again. Up to a point where I doubt if all those little bits and ways have truly any importance in comparison to characters and story.

But yo, Tony, I see you doing a lot of these market investigations recently :-) like figuring a new makeup to your scripts, searching some fresh aspects for your game plan and plays, eh?




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CrackedAces
Posted: January 4th, 2018, 8:16pm Report to Moderator
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Marcus, I enjoyed this story.  Very well written.  Although our styles differ I'll give your story an A+.

Me, I don't use (beat).  Instead I use dashes --.  Just a little sample where we differ.

Adverbs are NOT overused that I harp about in other stories.

A thoughtful ending as Bob and Dick question their choice about being worth it.

Have a great and profitable 2018.

Steve




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Cooprdog
Posted: January 4th, 2018, 9:17pm Report to Moderator
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Hey man.  Thank you very much for your kind words.  I was kind of unsure about it.. I mean I felt like I connected in a few places, but wasn't sure if the ride was worth.  .. so thank you, you have given me some insight.  I think I'm going to lead with this when I try to get representation.

I'd like to read some of your stuff.   which of your scripts do you recommend?
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CrackedAces
Posted: January 4th, 2018, 9:32pm Report to Moderator
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My stuff you asked.  In the ACTION/ADVENTURE category is "FIRE DANCER"  also I submitted a short one but hasn't been posted by SS yet is "SPRINGTIME IN ALASKA"  Thank you for asking.

Steve




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Cooprdog
Posted: January 4th, 2018, 9:41pm Report to Moderator
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I'll go check it out.   and I just realized that you read the short... if you're curious what I did with the characters.. I expanded it to a tv drama in late 2017   http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/twobits.pdf


Marcus
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CrackedAces
Posted: January 4th, 2018, 10:45pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Marcus, I save it for reading this weekend. I'll get back to you afterwards.

Steve




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Colkurtz8
Posted: March 6th, 2018, 3:20pm Report to Moderator
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Mark/Marcus

Watch out for describing characters with unfilmmables i.e. information that cannot be conveyed on screen. You do it here for nearly each one such as mentioning their profession and relationship to other characters.

“lookee-loo’s”

- Ha, I liked this description.

"2A pack of young boys (8-10ish) has gathered several yards from the kart and eyes the fruit suspiciously.”

- “Suspiciously” doesn’t make sense in this context since what they want to do is steal the apples. Perhaps “longingly” or just “hungrily” would be more apt.

BOB
(beat) You’d think these guys
would check things out more if
they’re so desperate. (beat) It
would save some killing.

- There’s an argument to be the made for the opposite too in that because they’re desperate they’ll go headlong into any opportunity which comes their way.

DICK
If the train company would spend a
measly two-bits on a real door lock
that would also save some killing.

- Again, wouldn’t a door lock only increase frustration and possibly result in a gun being fired? They will presumably demand the key from the Engineer/Fireman and if he doesn’t hand it over or actually genuinely doesn’t possess it, that’s only going to anger the thieves. It’s like the way Bank tellers are told to comply with robbers instead of provoking them and risking their lives. However, this is the wild west so policy may have been more...shall we say, resistant.

Wow, wasn’t expecting Bob to turn on Dick, a helluva an accusation to make...but reading on, he’s obviously onto something. So that gets me wondering would Dick have been so foolish to talk the way he did about the specifics of the train and robbery if it was going to incriminate himself so quickly?

I was digging this throughout, you can clearly write. While the prose could do with some polishing, your dialogue flowed nicely and had some great moments, sharp, and clever. You set up a couple of different plot strands well in a few pages and introduced a number of diverse characters. I was engaged in the story, immersed in the world you created and curious to see where you were going to take it.

Unfortunately, the ending seemed very rushed to me. The reveal of Dick being in on the robbery was abrupt and how it transpired simply didn’t ring true for me as I highlighted above.

It ends in your standard shootout and sort of feels unfinished. You back load a lot of information in that penultimate confrontation between the two brothers, thus, it feels cluttered and expository.

Granted it’s only a 10 page script but I get the impression there is a lot more here which would be better served in an expanded piece. This could be the culmination, the final sequence of events. What’s talked about/inferred in Bob and Dave’s scene; trying to eke out a living in the hard land, family troubles, disease, hardships, brotherly rivalry, etc is a story to tell in itself.

The origins of the Crawford and Clarence characters could also be explored. What’s led them to resort to crime? Maybe it’s the whitewashing of the old west but the depiction of black outlaws is pretty rare as far as I can tell since they were probably enslaved and (literally) kept on a tight leash so right there you’ve got a fresh, atypical angle to work with.  

Something to consider anyway. A partially decent effort you have here that could be much better with some development.

Col.


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