Based on this script I am assuming you are new to screenwriting as there are a few newcomer errors in here.
These are all things that will come with practice and learning. This site has a plethora of scripts for you to read, I suggest you do so, the best way to learn in my opinion.
I'll try and be helpful with some pointers below:
- FADE IN: is missing
- You can do away with all of the "we see/we hear/can be seen". It just adds to the word count. This is a script for the screen, we see and hear everything.
- change of location or time = new slug. You move from the bedroom to the bathroom, here you can utilise the mini slug - research that one.
- Set the scenes. you slug tells us we are in a bedroom and nothing else. what does the room look like? you can tell a lot from a character based on the locations they choose to put themselves. for example, make the room messy/spotless/cluttered/minimal, this will reveal character traits immediately.
- you will see unfilmables mentioned a lot. These are things that are written but cannot be filmed. Advanced writers can use them minimally with great effect. as a newbie, I would steer clear of them. For example, you tell us what the character is thinking, but visually we cannot see that.
- be as specific as you can with your slugs. in one of yours, you put OUTSIDE, outside where? outside is a big place.
- Cut out unnecessary words. You tell us a character is about to speak, why? we can see the character talks in the dialogue.
These are some of the basics, once you get them down you can focus on improving other areas such as dialogue, characters, plot etc.
Try and write visually, use as little words as possible to tell us a lot - a thesaurus will help to choose more provocative words.
Good luck with your writing. Please get involved in this community, it will be the best thing you can do for your writing.