The Wallet by Rene Claveau (ReneC) writing as "Babe" Levy - Short, Action - When a man's wallet is stolen he's determined to get it back. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Writer,

This is good. A lot of action to read, but once it hit the parking garage it really got moving for me. Good chase, and good sudden emotion at the end makes the chase worthwhile. Nice effort here!

Steve

A touching tale.

Still would have liked to see the thief rundown by a semi, but nevertheless it's a good story well told.

Excellent.

Nice script, good ending.

Didn’t see that coming, but believable.

I would have liked to see the teenager struggle a bit more - most i know are less fit that their seniors.

OH, simple tale with a touching ending and well told.

There's some story - yes - we see that at the end. I start feeling for Jason. At the end, but I did!

Nice descriptions - Jason scares rats on the way... extra burst of speed... this whole thing is a description of them run. This is amazing to me actually. And the run is visual - you didn't even say what we see precisely, but I could see it as a movie, their feet, their breathing, their heart beats.

Nice job.

Writer,

The writing here is tight. I could really see this happening, a lot of intrigue as well.

I'm sure it wasn't easy, going the no dialogue route, but you succeeded here. One of the stronger scripts I've read here so far. Excellent job!

All the best,

Reg

Nicely written.

There might be a way to make that final moment hit harder...really draw out the idea that he doesn't care about cash or credit cards...he just wants the wallet (the picture).

I don't know what that would be, but I think it's worth exploring that last little bit to see if it could be elevated even further.

As it sits...it's a great script.

I think the action is fine if not a little repetitive, certainly meets the brief.

And the ending is a clever twist, but I don't buy that he's written the dates on his daughters photo, he will know exactly, to the minute when she died.

However, you can fix this after the challenge by having it something like a folder order of service from her funeral or that sort of momento, they do have dates on.

Stolen wallet, good concept, good premise for action. Chase scenes are hard to write as they tend to be repetitive. A fair effort though. I like the reveal at the end, what's really important to him. But I didn't buy the written dates on the photo. That was for our benefit as the audience, to inform us that the girl has died. In real life would a parent do that? Maybe, but I wouldn't, and that's all I have to go on. Nice story, though, with a deeper layer.

It's more likely (by now you're probably sick of hearing critique on your ending, sorry) the date the photo was taken would more likely be on the back of the photo. Even if it ended just on the photo and let the audience guess the significance perhaps.

That said, I think you needed a way smarter and shocking or surprising reveal for your ending. Secret or hidden compartments in wallets is definitely the way to go, so good job there. But just what is in that compartment is another thing. A lottery ticket, an engagement ring perhaps, a pin number, or a  USB?

Definitely one to think about in a rewrite.

Dear Writer,
great action sequence of the running chase. These pesky thieving teenagers are a menace Officer Krupke! Well done -

Very fast paced action, although IMO, the chase scene could use a tiny trim.

There was some awkward phrasing that tripped me up a little, like...
"Jason slows and watches the Teenager get further and further away, dejected."
Just my opinion...dejected at the end didn't read smooth. Maybe...Dejected, Jason slows, watches the teenager get further and further away.
Just a thought.

So great idea for this challenge with a heartfelt ending.

Nice work

A very simple tale and a quick read. I've read similar endings many times. Heartfelt but also familiar.

Written with a nice and swift pace. I would've like to have seen Jason and the punk have a close interaction.

Oh wow, I did not see that ending coming, but being me I was  touched by the outcome  of  his concern being for the photo of his lost child and not the “head smasherâ€� ending I thought was coming.  The action scenes here are very well done and serve to build an ideal level of suspense. Really, really like this one, writer. Nice job!

It is not easy to describe an action scene especially running for three pages worth.

The description of the rats stood out.

The ending was a nice touch and did not expect. Sometimes, what's valuable is what is most priceless.
Right up till the end, I was indifferent to Jason until I learned about the photo. The setup and payoff works here.