Sometimes I think we writers add finicky critique cause that's how we would write it. And, of course cause we've been asked to provide feedback.

But sometimes we can give too much input when something already works and doesn't need fixing.

This is imh, a case in point.

I mean no disrespect to anyone btw. Your POV is valued, (after all that's how this site works), and y'all are providing suggestions.

I really enjoyed this and was immersed in it and I didn't get the twist till right at the last minute, so it worked for me and it made me laugh. Mission accomplished.

I've written scripts before where too much input led to the rewrite being an unholy mess. Just something to keep in mind when something is good already.

P.S. SteveM's comment is very interesting from a story building, clever writing vantage point. I agree with the fact you 'distracted' very well (I called it 'immersed') to the point I didn't see the flip coming.

And, no, Dave is not paying me commission btw.

Hey Dave,

Like Libby, I had a lot of fun reading this and wouldn't really change much. It's a funny, clever, easy-to-shoot script. I'm sure we'll have the chance to enjoy it as a film too.

My only suggestion would be to have Theresa say something like "My mother/brother told me he's in town on bussiness and stays at that hotel". Otherwise, it looks like it was her father who gave her the information, which is strange (considering the birthday gift he had chosen for himself).

Loved it, though. You should write more shorts.

Manolis    

fun, snappy read.

"I like to fuck. I just don't like fuckers." is a great line.  

overall, my only 2 cents would be, maybe instead of them meeting Theresa's dad there at the hotel, they're there to meet up with Theresa's mom instead.  

Anyhoo, thanks for sharing

And best luck w/ this.

Comedy usually isn't my thing, but I owe you a read or two, so what the hell. I'll take a crack at this.

This is very well written. I could visualize it all in my head. Pacing was spot on for the most part, although it was a bit odd that the women discovered they were going to see the same person off screen. Not a big deal though.

I didn't find this particularly funny, but I'm sure that's just me. I've got an odd since of humor.

This was a cute tale, though. And I did get a chuckle from the last line. Good work.

~Zack~

Hi Dave,

This was good, well written, good characterizations. i liked the use of words 'smacks gum' as he resets the cab’s fare meter' gave me a quick precise image.

I do agree that it felt a little jarring that the father revelation was off screen, personally it would have flowed better for me if they were in the car revealing this and we got to see their reactions.

Well done with the last line. Nice job....

Dave,
I read the script....absolutely funny and real. (including the Holland tunnel part. I'm from NJ). The dialogue is extremely natural....this is how a hooker and a nun would talk.
Did anybody option it?
All my best,
Fausto

Hey, Dave.

I thought that the reveal was great. The last line was particularly good.

I had a problem with the hooker saying "I'm a hooker". Maybe if she could reveal it in other words. "What do you do? Men. For money" This way is too much either. But would a hooker call herself a hooker - I don't know about that. Kind of thinking she won't.

Dave,

Good job here. A fun little short, organic dialogue - Max The Cab Driver added a few nice one-liners to keep the tone right where it should be. Good description, well placed action. There's a lot to like here. Few typos here and there - you'll catch them if you run over this again. Not much else to say. Enjoyable read!

Steve