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I think you may have replied to my thread "Jonah". Anyway I thought I would return the favour.
Although some might find the humour of this screenplay crude, I felt it just borders on the right side of crassness and was very funny.
I think the dialogue at the start within the doctors office could do with a little tweaking. The doctor's dialogue inparticular is a little hard to read and I think he could sound a little more competent. The dialogue improves significantly as the story goes on.
What I was most impressed about was the action/descriptions within the screenplay. Your direction is very clear and made reading the screenplay thoroughly enjoyable.
Overall this a well written piece, which depending on the sensibility of the individual will either make you turn away in disgust, or laugh uncontrollably. I think I am probably the latter.
This reminds me of one of the first things I wrote where a guy kills his own wife and daughter. It was basically a dark little writing exercise and I think that's what you've done here. You know this isn't a show of your best work, but it zips along and you had fun writing it, right?
I think you could have landed a better beat/gag/joke at the end. The 'good spot for the shed' didn't really land because the shed hadn't been mentioned before. If Charlie and his Dad had been arguing about the shed before, then it might have had more impact.
Overall, a fun little writing exercise, and a good base to build on.
Yes, I will give you a more detailed critique of that.
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the dialogue at the start within the doctors office could do with a little tweaking. The doctor's dialogue inparticular is a little hard to read and I think he could sound a little more competent.
I agree. Funny thing is, I searched for actual dialog/quotes/speeches given by medical professionals for such cases because I wanted it to sound authentic. That dialog was pretty exact to what I was able to find. I felt the same way.
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What I was most impressed about was the action/descriptions within the screenplay. Your direction is very clear and made reading the screenplay thoroughly enjoyable.
Right on the money. I really wanted to fine-tune the exact/descriptive style and so that was the focus. Figured I'd just tack on a stupid and gross story to go with it.
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depending on the sensibility of the individual will either make you turn away in disgust, or laugh uncontrollably
I'd accept that reaction too, but I'g glad you were able to laugh at it. I was as well even though it is terrible.