Negative Ned by Steven Sallie - Short, Comedy - The exploits of probably the world's most negative man. 7 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Quirky little piece.

Obviously it's a first draft, but I can see what you're going for here.

A director has a blueprint upon which they could add their own layer of intrigue and irony.

I think the dialogue could do with some work. Mainly to help better establish the tone you want, because it does oscillate a little, which feels quite jarring in the read. Same with the descriptions.

Just needs a tody and finesse. And less scenes / locations. If you wanted to get someone to film this (which would be done on the clock and limited budget), it would be made harder by the sheer volume of scenes.

Hi Steven, I hate to be a Negative Nancy   but the ending of this seems counterintuitive to comedy gold for me unless there's a P.S.

First off I don't think you need Peter at all. You could just use a narrator and start your story with Ned in his apartment.

Some of this I really enjoyed. It flows well and is a quick read, no glaring mistakes in format or typos and your dialogue is natural.

I just think you need to up the physical comedy - in the shower you could have Ned twiddling with the hot and cold taps, the water blasting hot, cold, him stepping back, squealing, a trickle of water then water blasting him in the face. Perhaps he has as rubber-ducky perched by the side of the bath.

Overlay your narration relevant to location too - for maximum amusement.
This for example:

Ned's never had a girlfriend. He's
never even kissed a girl. He has
no contact with his family... even
they won't have anything to do
with him.
(beat)

- would be better played over the next scene on the bus where we see his awkward interaction with the young woman.

Btw: He looks almost surprised someone even spoke to him.:
Delete 'almost' cause it's a definite.

The preceding scene with the egg and cheese biscuit? I kept waiting for something funny there - perhaps him eating it with a knife and fork, it bouncing around his plate. Of course you'd need a grape or olive to maximize comedy there... Instead I was left thinking what an odd choice for breakfast and what was the point of that very distinct choice? It's akin to a set-up that goes nowhere.

Ned's response to the young woman in his rambling monotone is good but add to the discussion on allergies - maybe he pulls a handkerchief from his pocket, blows his nose like a foghorn or uses nasal spray and it gets her in the face. End of any romantic possibility right there - she changes seats.

As your plot progresses you tell us (via the narrator):

PETER (V.O.)
Then one day, ol' Ned pissed off
the wrong customer. Most people
aren't in the best of moods when
they have to call customer
support, so it's not a good idea
to agitate them.

You tell us this but we're not privy to what happened. Up till this point he's stony-faced. We need to see what went on, we need to see Negative Ned finally in melt down. If he was fired from that scene prior it doesn't really tally cause he was perfectly polite. Perhaps Ned starts a conversation with the customer in the vein of 'you think you've got it bad! You should try my life on for size. Cable going out? That's nothing...

I just feel you're not filling in the gaps enough.
Are you leaving a lot of the story still in your own head?

Ned tried to get a cat once... it ran
away.

Instead of : it ran away, here's another perfect opportunity for a flashback to Ned's new cat attacking him, perhaps a quick flash to the cat stuck to his face (perfect for animation) and later show the claw imprints on his face. Presumably even animals can't take Ned's negative, morose attitude.

You intro these ideas, now you need to elaborate on them visually, not shut them down.


Think about something funny that could happen with that tower of job applications too - paper forms? Usually it'd be computer applications. You could show
FATAL ERROR on his computer screen.

Use every scene that happens as a segue to the next.

Would like a nice
cold glass of lemonade. (typo)

Insert 'you' and add a question mark.

LITTLE GIRL
Everything has a purpose...

So, little girl is the voice of wisdom, helps Ned finally see the light...
And your denouement...
Which I won't spoil.

But it's such a downer. Okay, irony... But grim too, almost like a community service ad for mental health as a cautionary tale but without the Help numbers listed.

You could segue there, at least post-credits by having that young woman alight from the bus and have Ned look up into her eyes upon regaining consciousness. Meaning it isn't too late, Ned finally gets it and gets a second chance. Character arc.

That's a more positive and redeeming ending and one far more fun for an audience to watch.

Up the comedy, sell it as animation, develop your comical narrative line - there needs much more detail as to why Ned's negative. You need to show bumbling Ned, late Ned, Ned losing his keys, car breaking down on busy highway - the list goes on - your choice. Ned got this way cause of the world conspiring against him, at least in his head anyway.
That's jmho.

I hope you'll do more with it. Lots of potential for it to be a cracking short.

Hello Steven,

This is a pretty good effort. Reads like a Saturday Night Live sketch or something from a late-night sketch show. Like Debbie Downer or something. I was picturing Bill Hader as Ned. So it has that kind of potential. Not laugh out loud funny to me but character driven. I did like the ending. It's kind of dark/sad but doesn't seem forced or out of place. And I could also picture Peter the narrator. Nice touch. Well done.

~Arundel

The title caught my attention. Negative Ned is intriguing all over! All very nicely written. The ending is a little uncertain... are you trying to point out that we all have a lot of negativity inside us and therefore we shouldn't mock negativity of other people?