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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Comedy Scripts  ›  Wonderdread and the One-Way Elevator
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  Author    Wonderdread and the One-Way Elevator  (currently 418 views)
Don
Posted: January 19th, 2020, 8:52am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Wonderdread and the One-Way Elevator by Will Jonassen - Short, Comedy, Horror - A short, "based on a true story," in the actual sense, not the marketing sense, this comedy-horror sees one unthinking weirdo learn a valuable lesson about decision-making, how to treat a pup, and the proper operation of toilets. It might also peeve off my old roommate. Going down! 13 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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eldave1
Posted: January 19th, 2020, 11:35am Report to Moderator
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Will - got to lose the watermarks, mate. It'll turn folks away.

Looking just at the opening:


Quoted Text
EXT. TRAILER PARK - NIGHT

It is a stormy, Florida night at an outdated, Florida
trailer park doubling as a retirement community according to
the sign out front, though rude graffiti is painted overtop.


No need to repeat stuff in your header - e.g., we know it is night already.

Show us the sign rather than inferring it.

Put Florida in your header - it's part of the location and then you don't need to repeat it. Efficient use of your headers will make the description more efficient. e.g.,

EXT. FLORIDA/TRAILER PARK - NIGHT

Stormy, Old trailers fill the park.

A graffiti riddled sign out front reads: Retire Here..  


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: February 5th, 2020, 6:53am Report to Moderator
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As Dave says, the watermark is a bad idea. Saying please don't steal on every page screams amateur to script readers.

You have writing skills for sure, the problem is they seem more suited to prose at the moment. There is so much text it looks like a short story than a screenplay and although it is wonderfully written it is too heavy.

For example, the action you describe on the first page equals a few seconds of screentime and yet you fill an entire page, which is supposed to represent roughly an entire minute.  So my suggestion is to get a snipping tool out and reduce the screenplay to the bare bones to get the story across, then add a bit of artistic flair and your voice to make it stand out.

I don't know Wave out and Wave in is, I think you mean FADE OUT/IN but this is only done at the beginning and end of the screenplay.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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