Geriatricks by Mark Renshaw - Short, Comedy - On a whim and in need of healthcare, a group of geriatrics attempt a bank heist. With no experience, no clue and no bowel control, their chances are slim, especially when they encounter an off-duty cop.    13 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Cute little story, Mark - a few typos

Quoted Text INT. SMALL TOWN BANK - A DAY

A DAY?

Quoted Text She giggles. He smile turns upside down when MISTER J pulls a micro 9mm handgun on her.

Her rather than He

Quoted Text MISTER J Well do you mind?

comma after well.

Quoted Text MISS B You are right there sonny. We shouldn’t have to but we had no other choice and lets face it, nothing to lose. What are you gonna do, lock us up and take care of us?

comma after there.

Same here:

Quoted Text MISS B Thank you sonny. You did your grandparents proud today.

Mark, sorry to be boring, but...
While we're on typos there are a few additional to the ones Dave noted.

load should be loan
let's should be let's

the keen-eyed man wait - should be waits
We here are the three pretty
desperate desperados (delete the)

Every time she needs a pass
To pass?
The keen eyed man wait - should be: waits

Did you write this in a hurry?

He's an off-duty cop...
That line really isn't needed. It's announced in dialogue on the following line.

Jessie is the guide dog? Give her name upfront I think cause it was confusing things with Mr J.

And is this correctly written?

...it feels like I’m lying to my great
white grandfather or something

The 'white' thing seems odd and out of place to me.

Oh yeah, have you filled up the bag yet, honey?
Gentlemen of a certain era might use words like doll, or doll-face. It'd be a nice contrast in character dialogue imho - Casanova already used the word 'honey' - all guys don't sound the same, right?

takes a tumble to the floor
takes a tumble to the ground (internal/external floor/ground imho)
Nice choice there with that distraction btw. Perhaps come back to this distraction scene briefly?

Casanova who's sat...
Brit usage that I'd personally save for dialogue only.

Miss be grabs his hand?
Miss B.

I think Mr J should give Schoolgirl a tip (otherwise she might tell) and I would have been happy if you left it there, but the add on final scene is fine and probably wraps it up more too.

The toilet humour, that scene in general (okay, it's not my thing) seemed a little unnecessarily gratuitous in its depiction but others may love it.

The allround idea is good, and humourous, but the writing feels a little rushed here, and you could finesse a few of the details.

A good idea that would translate to film nicely.
And get some old guys and a gal out of retirement.

Hey guys! This is a first draft but thanks for finding the typos. It is appreciated.

I posted it as a first draft as I'm not sure it works but can't quite figure out why. Any ideas? Do you think the ending is a bit contrived or convenient? It may be fine or just my writer's paranoia.

Quoted from MarkRenshaw Hey guys! This is a first draft but thanks for finding the typos. It is appreciated. I posted it as a first draft as I'm not sure it works but can't quite figure out why. Any ideas? Do you think the ending is a bit contrived or convenient? It may be fine or just my writer's paranoia.

It was a bit convenient and not sure how no one would be missing the cash. But,,,,I also like the twist of it - so I'm torn

Hi, Mark.

It's a cute little story but I'm thinking now I wasnt invested as much. I think it's because you unravelled why they were doing it only on page 9. This way you let us in their personal problems and we get to know them better later into the story.
I kind of miss the sense of urgency because I don't know why they need it. I'm not saying have it from the very beginning but maybe page 3 or 4 or so. I went through reviews, looks like I'm alone on that though.

Also, for some reason calling the guy Eagle Eye is too cute for me.
The toilet humor - it went a bit too far for me. You know the sound of it dropping etc. But might be just me.

But the characters are well drawn and everything. And I liked the ending. The ending was actually my favorite part.

You see my dilemma as I'm in the same boat as both of you and I'm torn about the ending. I'll keep having a think and tinker around with it, maybe try to get to the reason why they are doing it quicker. Thanks for the feedback!