Food Fight by Christopher Stewart - Short, Comedy - A young couple takes a unique approach in deciding who will choose where they eat for their lunch date. 3 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey Christopher,

I really liked the concept -- I can relate to it -- so I opened it up and gave it a read.

Quoted Text ADAM (CONT'D) Remember that conflict resolution technique we read about online? LORI Yeah! Wanna try it? ADAM It couldn't hurt. Dining room. Five minutes. Lori smiles. They kiss and walk off in different directions.

I think it'd be much more effective if you ended with:

ADAM (CONT'D)
Remember that conflict resolution
technique we read about online?

They give it thought, smiling at each other.

Then go right into without the dialogue after. Think it'd help the comedic timing.

Quoted Text Adam looks over an assortment of weapons splayed out on the table: Baseball bat. Tazer. Pepper spray. Baton. Steel pipe. Lori enters. Her fists are wrapped like a cage fighter. She holds a thick chain in one hand and a golf club in the other. LORI Dammit. I forgot the stun gun. ADAM It's okay. This should be plenty. Lori sets her weapons on the table. LORI Like we agreed, no hard feelings when this is over. ADAM And the first one to submit chooses where we eat. Lori nods, picking up the steel pipe. Adam wraps the chain around his hand. They exchange looks of genuine affection LORI I love you. ADAM I love you too. Out of nowhere, Lori swings the pipe at Adam's head just as he throws a punch towards her face.

I thought this could've been funnier with less dialogue. Maybe, from the previous scene, we cut immediately to a table display of weapons. Adam grabs his weapon of choice and then we see him and Lori circling strategically. Maybe she just says, "No hard feelings?". And Adam says, "No hard feelings... I love you." Then she says, "I love you, too, honey." And then they let out a war cry and charge at each other --

Then we could cut to them at dinner. There's no need to lay out the rules, we get what's going on.

Overall, I really liked this, thought the sight gags were pretty damn funny. Absurd, but funny. I especially liked seeing them out to eat with black eyes, missing teeth, bruises and Band Aids. And I liked how it ended. Funny stuff. Just think you could make this even shorter and punchier -- I believe it would really help the timing of the sight gags that much better. But yeah, good stuff, man.

-- Michael

Thank you for the feedback! I must say, your input really does give it more punch and improves the flow. I am a big believer that the more story you see rather than hear, the better. I will definitely include your suggested changes.

I came up with the concept and wrote it in under 2 hours, so I was praying to get some thoughts from others because I knew this first pass wouldn't be the best.

Thank you again for all of the detailed input and suggestions, they're really goood

No problem, Chris. It is a "show me" medium rather than "tell me", as cliche as that sounds. Pretty good for a 1st go around. I do think it would benefit from cutting down the dialogue just a bit. Would make for a nice Funny or Die sketch or something. Best of luck with it!

-- Michael

Hey, Christopher - gave this a read.

Quoted Text ADAM (25) is on the couch, watching TV. LORI (24) enters.

After my first draft of a script, I go through and see if any of my actions can pop more by changing out the pedestrian words. In the above like is and enters could be replaced.

ADAM (25) slouches on the couch, watching TV. LORI (24) saunters in.

Just food for thought.

Otherwise - I quite liked this - an an enjoyable read