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Teeth, Terror and Toby by Alexander Luis Rodriguez - Short, Comedy - The Boogeyman shares the night with some unexpected visitors. 18 pages - pdf format
Hey, i havent gotten the time to finish reading it yet. stuck somewhere in the middle. but I just wanted to give you a few notes so far.
Good parts: 1. Great Title 2. Great premise
Not so good parts (in my opinion): 3. You have a great premise but the dialogue kinds destroys it. Instead of clever and having well developed jokes, it sadly just feels like some cheap sex jokes that dont really pull me as a reader in. quite the opposite. 4. Dialogue is missing depth and feels superficial. Tooth Fairy and the Boogeyman meet, Thats like an epic rap battle of history just waiting to happen but here it sadly falls short. My suggestion would be to scrap the dialogue. Boogeyman can still be a jerk but make the premise less sexual (it doesnt work). Have the boogeyman injure the tooth fairy by accident or the other way around and then they have to help each other. Or they question their roles. Or they notice that they have a lot of things in common and could team up.
There is like a ton of potential here. My suggestion would be to give the story more drive. They hang out together but it sort of doesnt move forward. And modify the dialogue accordingly. The first 2 pages pulled me in. but then with page 3 you sort of lost me.
Again strong concept...just the execution comes a little short. I sooooo wish that you wouldnt have gone for the weird sexual stuff.
Anyway. Would like to read the next draft if there will be one.
Yeah Boogeyman is a vile character in general so I thought it only right to show this with the 'dirty advances'. Personally I don't think I would have nearly as much fun writing it where they team up/help each other. Dark and sometimes gross-out humour is my kind of thing you see. Currently working on another story which should be up by next week, but I'm sure I'll come back to this in the future. Thanks for reading and appreciate the feedback. Hope you enjoy the rest.
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Teeth, Terror and Toby
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