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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Comedy Scripts  ›  Feedback Addiction
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  Author    Feedback Addiction  (currently 522 views)
Don
Posted: May 2nd, 2021, 12:03pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Feedback Addiction by Robert Timsah - Short, Comedy - A woman suffering from a debilitating feedback addition struggles to escape from the disease as her life slowly unravels. She hated this log line, the title and script. 5 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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AlexanderLR
Posted: May 2nd, 2021, 3:40pm Report to Moderator
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Reminds me of a segment you'd find on MTV or Saturday Night Live or something, so yeah you have a good sense of humour. I like the 'matted together with what we can only hope is chocolate' line. To me comedy is at it's best when it only slightly hint at things if that makes sense?

Maybe instead of...

                       She moves on and digs around, then climbs into-

                       -and is now entirely inside the dumpster.

You could just put...

                        She moves on, digs around...

                        ...then climbs inside.

Makes for a clearer read.
Well done.
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Robert Timsah
Posted: May 2nd, 2021, 6:19pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from AlexanderLR
Reminds me of a segment you'd find on MTV or Saturday Night Live or something, so yeah you have a good sense of humour. I like the 'matted together with what we can only hope is chocolate' line. To me comedy is at it's best when it only slightly hint at things if that makes sense?

Maybe instead of...

                       She moves on and digs around, then climbs into-

                       -and is now entirely inside the dumpster.

You could just put...

                        She moves on, digs around...

                        ...then climbs inside.

Makes for a clearer read.
Well done.


Hey, Alexander thanks. I ran your proposed changes by Marilyn and she said no, not good enough.  LOL - in all seriousness, you're right. I got a little to cute trying to get that dumpster scene right. Never used a narrator before and honestly, just having fun with this one.

I did a bit of a re-write and added a new character.  


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AlexanderLR
Posted: May 2nd, 2021, 6:53pm Report to Moderator
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Happy to help.
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Robert Timsah
Posted: May 3rd, 2021, 11:56am Report to Moderator
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Story Is Structure

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Up to date log line:

A woman suffering from an obsession with providing feedback, can't get over an unresolved scene in the hit film, Cast Away, as she falls further and further into her feedback addiction. She hated this log line, the title and script.


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MarkItZero
Posted: May 3rd, 2021, 5:03pm Report to Moderator
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Hey man, that was pretty fun with the whole narrator thing. Her diving through the dumpster to find children's writing to critique is the perfect kind of absurd. The covid mask bit felt a little out of place though. It was all silly fun, then veered political. But perhaps I too suffer from feedback disorder.


That rug really tied the room together.
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Robert Timsah
Posted: May 3rd, 2021, 5:54pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from MarkItZero
Hey man, that was pretty fun with the whole narrator thing. Her diving through the dumpster to find children's writing to critique is the perfect kind of absurd. The covid mask bit felt a little out of place though. It was all silly fun, then veered political. But perhaps I too suffer from feedback disorder.


MARILYN
You just had to go political, didn't yah!?

That's what made this so fun to write; ANY feedback I get can be added to her rant at the end. But honestly, I agree with you. The masks are staying but the CNN/Trumpers part will be axed. Thanks for giving it a read, and your thoughts.


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Zack
Posted: May 4th, 2021, 7:03pm Report to Moderator
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Ha! Clever stuff. I was about to grill you on the whole "frowning with a mask on" bit, but you beat me to the punch. lol

Really good stuff. Marilyn is a hoot! I look forward to reading more from you.
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Robert Timsah
Posted: May 4th, 2021, 7:32pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Zack
Ha! Clever stuff. I was about to grill you on the whole "frowning with a mask on" bit, but you beat me to the punch. lol

Really good stuff. Marilyn is a hoot! I look forward to reading more from you.


Thanks, Zack. I just love Marilyn.  Even when she's grilling me.


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LC
Posted: July 5th, 2021, 2:49am Report to Moderator
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This was a real hoot, Robert!
Thanks for suggesting I might enjoy it. I did, very much.

The story relates the kind of finer details I can get obsessed about too with plot points that never get resolved  

I can only wonder what Marilyn would make of this (below). Maybe don't show her as it could cause her to lose even more sleep.

https://medium.com/applaudience/the-secret-affair-of-cast-away-7b7f9999a303

It appears Kelly has questionable morals if that hypothesis is to be believed, which would tally with her keeping the ring and it never being mentioned again. Chuck's too much of a gentleman. Everyone knows if the marriage doesn't go ahead you give the damn ring back!

Marilyn, teeth showing, furiously glares at the paused scene.
Is this like a teeth bared in disgust thing, or just to show her sans mask for a change?

Speaking of : Marylin should have something to say about cheating mask wearers - those who wear them below the nose, trying to have it both ways.

Anyway, I love a good script with a Narrator - both conscience and commentator.
I suspect Marilyn might very well have a dig at him being an Unreliable Narrator though.

Great job!
I hope you do a Part 2.


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Robert Timsah
Posted: July 5th, 2021, 10:55am Report to Moderator
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In part 2, she will have moved on.... To a new unresolved scene in a different film.

LOL, thanks for giving it a look LC. Glad you enjoyed it.



Revision History (1 edits)
Robert Timsah  -  July 5th, 2021, 11:25am
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eldave1
Posted: July 5th, 2021, 12:37pm Report to Moderator
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An enjoyable read, Robert - thanks. MAde my morning coffee better.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Robert Timsah
Posted: July 5th, 2021, 3:14pm Report to Moderator
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Story Is Structure

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Quoted from eldave1
An enjoyable read, Robert - thanks. MAde my morning coffee better.


Thanks Dave


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