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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Comedy Scripts  ›  Ash Hole - May2
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  Author    Ash Hole - May2  (currently 1333 views)
Yuvraj
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 9:49am Report to Moderator
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Nice writing with funny story. Really liked it. Good job!


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JEStaats
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 2:22pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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This is the best of of the urn in a restroom comedies that I've read so far. Some good humor and banter. As others mentioned, close on Bobby Joe's portrait like the opener except now it's defaced with black eye, mustache, and missing tooth?

Good stuff.
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Spqr
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 5:47pm Report to Moderator
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Clever. But it all goes by the numbers. Needs conflict. What if the mourners battle each other for the right to flush the ashes?
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Lono
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 5:53pm Report to Moderator
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Wow, This guy was a real jerk. I really like the writing, I can see everything. I love the ending, Of course she slept with him lol. it's great.
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mmmarnie
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 11:22pm Report to Moderator
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Written very well and very funny. Loved the brothers. Dialog was great. But...the ending with Darlene's line...kind of a let down. Beef up that last quarter page and someone will film this.

GREAT JOB!


boop
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PKCardinal
Posted: May 19th, 2021, 3:05pm Report to Moderator
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Great title. Though, I think FUCK YOU, BOBBY JOE would also work well.

I really like the setup. The payoff wasn't quite there, but it's real close. I don't think you need to complicate matters with the spoon, glass and bowl. But, you got a few chuckles out of it, so I'm probably wrong there.

Only nit for me... I couldn't get over the idea that you could dish out this volume of ashes. How big was this guy? I won't score down because of it, of course, but that's a LOT of ashes.

Thanks for sharing!


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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Geezis
Posted: May 19th, 2021, 4:07pm Report to Moderator
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There's always a single malt waiting for you.

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Liked this a lot. Well written and funny as feck.
Well done.


If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 19th, 2021, 7:28pm Report to Moderator
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Liked this a lot, read well, nice setup and made me chuckle.

Just feel the ending needs a bit more work.

My fave so far


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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SAC
Posted: May 20th, 2021, 11:57am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Writer,

Thought I was all done and found this. Pretty good. Pretty good story, though I’d think with a premise like this you had a chance to up the comedy levels to greater heights. But good as is. Nice work.

Steve


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stevemiles
Posted: May 20th, 2021, 4:01pm Report to Moderator
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I like it. Smoothly written with a fun concept.  Seeing the guests queuing up to take turns dumping the ashes for Bobby Joe’s wrongs might be better re-worked as the final payoff but all in all a solid little comedy to work with.  Good work.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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khamanna
Posted: May 29th, 2021, 10:30am Report to Moderator
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ahaha just read it. This is so funny.

The title is very fitting too. Maybe introduce Darlene earlier and have the final line from her said at the end?

Anyway, very funny, Dave. congrats)
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eldave1
Posted: May 29th, 2021, 11:14am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from khamanna
ahaha just read it. This is so funny.

The title is very fitting too. Maybe introduce Darlene earlier and have the final line from her said at the end?

Anyway, very funny, Dave. congrats)


ah,,,, thanks, Kham - appreciate it. And yes - now that I can get by 4 pages - going to into Darlene and a few others up front.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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eldave1
Posted: January 19th, 2023, 8:19pm Report to Moderator
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This script is currently in production by three different folks. This is the first one:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CqK4B2HMl9w


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: January 20th, 2023, 12:38am Report to Moderator
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ROFL... one of the comedy points in this film were absolutely genius; the opening. Oh my gosh, I literally laughed my butt off. In hindsight - I should've seen that coming. Went back and took a look at the script. I see they made a few changes. Um, not sure which ending I liked better. Oh yea I do.

Overall very good quality storytelling, good lighting, good editing and excellent buildup! Enjoyed it. It'll be interesting to compare this one with the other two when all is said and done.

Anywaz, congratulations Dave.  _ghostie gal


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LC
Posted: January 20th, 2023, 6:06am Report to Moderator
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Yep, echoing what my learned scribe, Andrea said with the ROFL, and I also re-read the script (after I watched this). The opening was a shock, but pretty funny too, and it works. However...*
Overall this was a class act. Great casting, and the acting was terrific, as was the all-round vibe.

* I still prefer your ending, Dave.
That said, I'm now keen to see what the other guys do with your script. I doubt somehow that this one can be topped but you never know.

I imagine you'd be pretty pleased with this effort
I sure would be.


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