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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Comedy Scripts  ›  Whoo Who
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  Author    Whoo Who  (currently 465 views)
Don
Posted: March 6th, 2022, 10:56am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Whoo Who by Barry John Terblanche - Short, Comedy - Not all owls speak the same language.  1 page - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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BarryJohn
Posted: March 7th, 2022, 1:26am Report to Moderator
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Who am I? A man with a hundred stories..

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Thanks for posting Don.


Who am I? A man with a hundred stories... you want to read one?
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LC
Posted: March 7th, 2022, 5:45pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Barry!

This is cute and amusing, and as animation (even though I wanted a teeny bit more) I think the punchline lands, but maybe could be given a little more? This is Abbott and Costello without a lot of range.

Forest owl just stairs ahead.
Stares

Forest owl stairs ahead. Barn owl stairs him...
Should be stares throughout.
And: stares at him, or stares him down.

Fucking delinquent forest owl's.
No apostrophe last word, last line.

I'm on the fence regarding the expletives, especially if your demographic is kids, which it probably isn't.
Anyway, just my thoughts.


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BarryJohn
Posted: March 9th, 2022, 5:54am Report to Moderator
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Who am I? A man with a hundred stories..

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Thank's for the read and comment LC. Yeah, I overlooked that typo - Stare/stairs. This is one of those really short stories we "spit out" after smoking the leaves of the wisdom weed.      


Who am I? A man with a hundred stories... you want to read one?
Analyst, mentor, competition reader/judge, film critic, magazine article/blogger.  
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FrankH
Posted: March 11th, 2022, 9:19pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Barry,

Funny one.

I got nothing to add. LC noted the "stairs" and "stares."

To be picky, not sure if emphasis in dialogue should be underlined or capped. I see your point here, cause the Barn Owl is getting really annoyed.

Your cover page "Whoo. Whoo. is different from the title posted (Whoo Who).

Frank

Frank


FEATURES:
Strength of a Soul (Thriller/Supernatural)
Inconceivable Pain (Thriller)

SHORT COMEDY:
Heads or Tails
Happy Birthday
Size Doesn't Matter

SHORT DRAMA:
Imaginary Friend
Sleepwalking

SHORT THRILLER:
Unbreakable Bond
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BarryJohn
Posted: March 12th, 2022, 4:02am Report to Moderator
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Who am I? A man with a hundred stories..

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thank you FrankH, for pointing that out - Cover page; Whoo whoo.

Best.


Who am I? A man with a hundred stories... you want to read one?
Analyst, mentor, competition reader/judge, film critic, magazine article/blogger.  
https://simpsonliteraryagency.com/script-analyst
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Zack
Posted: March 12th, 2022, 10:11am Report to Moderator
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Humorous little skit. Not bad, Barry.
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BarryJohn
Posted: March 12th, 2022, 11:43am Report to Moderator
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Who am I? A man with a hundred stories..

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Cool, thanks bud.


Who am I? A man with a hundred stories... you want to read one?
Analyst, mentor, competition reader/judge, film critic, magazine article/blogger.  
https://simpsonliteraryagency.com/script-analyst
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