Quintessential by Colin Sharp - Short, Comedy - A Bromance can be formed in the most unlikely of places. 2 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Colin, you should know straight off that I am not one for scripts or films that involve bodily functions.

My instant reaction was eww! This really is a load of s...
I say the latter in the spirit in which the script is written btw.

That said, you're active on the boards so I persisted to the inevitable outcome of this one.  

This is not the kind of Bromance I was expecting and I'm sure I can't really offer much by way of story suggestions.(see below*)

Your opening description made me visualise  a man actually putting on a suit/dressing. Not sure 'donning' works in this case.
A MAN, somewhere in his 40s, heavy set, balding and donning a
business suit.

You use the word 'basin' where you should be using the word 'bowl' as in toilet bowl. Basins or sinks are for washing hands. Least I hope so!

...water gushing out a tap...
out of a tap, or from a tap

Anyway, enough of that.
Given the mammoth effort this call of nature required I'd have hoped he'd wait till he got home.

*Also, and I could be wrong, but unless this 'skit' was to be a part of something bigger (no pun intended) I'm not convinced there's a market for it, unless you introduce something else to impede his progress and make it more laugh out loud funny. The obvious one would be no toilet paper, or a female he's trying to otherwise impress, perhaps walking in and chatting, and then screaming (Unisex toilet)... In other words, add more complications to character and circumstance.

It's the type of thing that works for a certain demographic in stand-up comedy, maybe?

Overall though, for me it's a hard pass.
But that's just me.  

Thanks ever so much for giving it a read Libby.

I don't really know why I wrote this - Perhaps because I've had some issues of late with-- I leave that there lol.

Jus wanted to write a short about somebody taking a dug!

I will correct my stupid word usage as you kindly pointed out.

Agreed, not a massive market for stories about people taking a shit

Quoted from ColinS Agreed, not a massive market for stories about people taking a shit

There's someone out there for every story. We had a member here who wrote a story called The Ass Spider. It was filmed...

I also remember going on a trip overseas with a couple of super mega rich women, 30s, who are also super educated. I'm neither of those, btw. One night a couple of days before Halloween, we stayed at an old monastery. It was pitch-black outside. It rained and the wind howled. One of the women decided she wanted to read a chapter of the book she was reading aloud to us. She thought it was hysterically funny and couldn't keep from laughing. I thought it was some of the dumbest "shit" I've ever heard. It was about a man who was at a fancy party and couldn't get his giant turd to disappear...

Like I said, there's someone out there for every story.  

As far as shitty stories go, this one was definitely number 2. (pun intended)

I see that you're active, Colin, so I gave this a read.

• thrown = throne
  
  
• What does "NB" mean?
  I'm not a fan of calling out camera angles in scripts but they can work sometimes.
  In this case I think you could have gone without them.
  
  
• I feel like beads of sweat need to be shown here on his face as he struggles to vacate his bowels.
  And then he should shudder and shake after he's exorcised the demons.
  
  
• I'm also not a fan of unfilmables, but I'm not going to dock you any points for them. They push the story along.
  
  
• Technically speaking a foot long poop wouldn't PLOP into the toilet.
  It would more Play-Doh style extrude into the water. Silent.
  

As far as potty humor goes, this is a winner.

Thanks for the read.

-Jordan

Pia makes an excellent point, Colin.
There's something for everyone and you just never know...

P.S. Jordan, I'll let Colin enlighten on the N.B.
But in the interest of humour, (and talking shit) that'd be evacuate or empty the bowels, not vacate.  

Jordan and Pia, Thanks very much for reading my 'shit' story.

Pia - Sadly, I might be in the same club as the super mega-rich woman (Not financially), I would also find a story about a man trying to get rid of a massive turd funny. Really funny. I guess I'm a sucker for moronic humour!

Jordan - You make some great points, 'beads of sweat' would have added some tension. And yeah his body perhaps should have convulsed after unleashing such a whopper. Also, I could not find the right word for the sound of the shit hitting the water - You're right it wouldn't plop it would kinda 'slop' lol.

N.B is an old phrase 'Nota bene' or 'Note well'. I saw it in a number of British screenplays that I read and unfortunately picked up the habit of using it in my work. I'm gonna stop that now though. 'Note' will more than suffice.

Thanks again for the reads - I'm gonna try and stay active!

Quoted from LC P.S. Jordan, I'll let Colin enlighten on the N.B. But in the interest of humour, (and talking shit) that'd be evacuate or empty the bowels, not vacate.

And here I was thinking NB was a camera angle.
Instead of CU it's NB (near bowels).
Thank God it's not.

And I'm going to have to agree to disagree with you, Libby, on "vacate".

This wasn't just some extraneous excreta to be evacuated.
This was a part of the man's soul, coupled to his being as though it were his child emerging from the womb.
He birthed this behemoth with the same fervor as a first time mother births her child.

A mother doesn't evacuate her babe from the womb.
She allows the child to vacate her body and venture forth into the light.
And just as a new mother gazes upon her child with pride, so to did this man with his spwan.

This is truly a moving tale of the struggles of love, loss, and letting go of that which means most to us.

It's beautiful.

Or... maybe I should just use "evacuate" next time.

-Jordan

Edit:  If you want a massive PLOP then give him a reason to hover over the toilet seat... Poop smeared on it, broken glass glued to it, it's nonexistent...
He could hold on to the handicap rails for support and rip one out of the wall as he... uh... vacates?

From the comments, I could tell how this would go, so wasn't surprised when I read it. It is what it is. These stories usually go down the route of the deed happening in a residential toilet, like that of a house-proud Mother-in-Law. Maybe she's a bitch and she shouts up something annoying while he's trying to flush it. So he leaves it there, and as he's getting in the car with his wife, he hears the MIL scream from the bathroom.

Build-up
Comedy
Punchline

This story lacks build-up. There's no scene set or story other than a guy taking a dump in a public toilet and leaving a floater. The comedy relies on people finding watching a guy take a shit funny.

I don't see the bromance angle at all as he tries to flush it. If you prefer that angle then wouldn't it be better if, when he went to flush it, he just couldn't bring himself to do it? He walks away, turns back, goes to flush, but then the beauty of the turd hits him again and he just can't bring himself to flush it. Then he takes a pic, several pics, then walks away. Perhaps on the way out he could remark to a stranger that cubicle two is the one to visit. Cue OS cursing as our hero makes his getaway.

Thanks S_M for the read.

For this one, I was keen to keep it under two pages and I didn't want any dialogue. But yeah, there is no build-up and not really a story of any kind.

I think I did it to amuse myself, which is wrong. Going forwards, I'll keep a wider audience in mind even for a very short piece.

Really like your idea for the ending where he directs a stranger to the cubicle. That really would be pride!

This was epic, Colin.

Godzilla in a toilet bowl.
Your story (actually a long scene) had it all — a beginning, middle and rear end.
The hero pushed through his conflict with not one inch left to the imagination. A real struggle of intestinal fortitude.
And the sound effects: Tropic Thunder!
After this experience, I was relieved. Wiped out. Flushed with anticipation of the next encounter.
Will my next read be just as… refreshing?
__
Honestly, in two pages it kind of hits the mark. Although, I’m not sure about a bromance.
The idea of showing off his handy work reminds me of when Selma Hayek got blamed by a restaurant manager for leaving a heaving turd in the women’s toilet, resulting in an overflow. It was all a setup by her pal Penelope Cruz for Ashton Kutcher’s “Punked.”

Anyway, this could be a scene in a movie, although it might need to be shortened and toned down. Good job.

Hi Abe,

Thanks for the read and thanks for liking my shit.

'A beginning, middle and rear end' - love it

If Disney ever turns this into a full-length feature - 'Godzilla in a toilet bowl' will deff be the tagline!

Now, I really wanna find that episode of Punked. Go Penelope!

Will keep an out for your work, cheers

Seeing as I’m a fan of fart humor, this is right up my chute.

I know some have said there’s an audience for this, it leaves out some basic things like tension and set up. Maybe see him squirming as he enters, waiting for a cubicle to become free. He’s sweating, clearly in pain or something. A build-up. And although this man dropped the mother of all bowl winders, the payoff, or lack thereof, doesn’t seem satisfying enough to me. Not a bad little piece, just needs a little more push, if you will. Good work!

Steve

I have been off the boards for a while due to excess work.

I return to read "Flatulessance"  By Clark.

Then I said to myself enough of the shit humor let me read something else

I stumbled across this and now I'm going back to work for another 6 months

Very detailed, well written as far as that goes, and to be honest I've done a few of those after a load of Guinness

You should join scripts with Steve Clarks... Together you would have a masterpiece  

Hi, Colin, gave your script a read.

Firstly, I'm no fan of these kinds of humor, so, I won't say I had fun reading it. However, it might become a part of a comedy script sharing the same humor. And as Pia said - "there's someone out there for every story".

Good luck.

Steve - Many thanks for the read. Your points are deffo valid. Really enjoyed 'Flatulessance'!

Irish eyes - Your comments gave me a right chuckle! Many thanks for the read!

Yuvraj - Yeah, this one has not floated everybody's boat. I completely understand why. But big thumbs up to you for giving it a go!