Flatulessence by Steven A Clark - Short, Comedy - Serving out his penance cleaning residential bathrooms, a flatulent ghost comes clean about what got him here in the first place. 4 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Ohhh Clark

Only you could pen such a classic !!

It's a beautiful touching story  glad that the ghost served his penance. He's finally free of cleaning the shitter

I think I've told you already, you have waaaayyyy tooo much time on your hands

Quoted from irish eyes Ohhh Clark Only you could pen such a classic !! It's a beautiful touching story  glad that the ghost served his penance. He's finally free of cleaning the shitter I think I've told you already, you have waaaayyyy tooo much time on your hands

Dear Mark (30 page Man) Moore,

Thanks so much!  Your insightful notes are extremely helpful as I continue down my screenwriting path. In all seriousness, thanks for reading bro! This was just a little thing to keep me busy, and Halloween is coming, so…

I decided to read your short script and I must say dialogue was all good and quite amusing to read. However for me there are issues to raise with you:

1. When you open your screenplay with INT. BEDROOM, then BATHROOM, then BEDROOM. This must be stated that you are returning to  opening scene with BTS, otherwise we may assume a different bedroom.

2 Patrick Leahy looks like Paul Revere? Who is that?

This screenplay cries out for sound effects: SFX -

I've always been told to SHOW DON"T TELL. Therefore everything written down must be shown in a screenplay. We cannot read someones thoughts visually.

Good luck with it.

Stoneyscript

1. When you open your screenplay with INT. BEDROOM, then BATHROOM, then BEDROOM. This must be stated that you are returning to  opening scene with BTS, otherwise we may assume a different bedroom.

The transition from Int bedroom to bathroom, back to Bedroom actually states exactly that.

Paul Revere is a famous historical (American) figure. If you’re from across the pond no reason you would know this, I suppose.

I’m not sure what thoughts you’re talking about here. My thoughts? If you provide an example I’ll provide an answer.

Thanks for reading!

Steve

So is this screenplay for your side of the pond only?

Shall we not open up the character by detailing what they look like, instead of using somebody we may not know to compare them to? That's rather lazy.

You do not state in your screenplay that you are returning to BEDROOM.

Action that is told and not shown is not credible in screenplay, I'm afraid. However it is a learning process and we go on.

Just to add this screenplay may work better without metrical structure.

What's up, Steven! Funny little short you've got here. Only thing I got hung up on was the end. Did Brad go back into the bathroom to give a quick courtesy flush? That's what I think happened, but it's a little unclear. Still, this made me laugh pretty much the whole way through.

"And don’t forget the raspberry tarts, you stupid bitch."

Brilliant dialog. Good stuff, dude.

Quoted from Stoneyscripts So is this screenplay for your side of the pond only?

So, because YOU didn't get the reference, no one else "on your side of the pond" will understand the reference either? Mighty high opinion you have of yourself.  

Quoted from Stoneyscripts Shall we not open up the character by detailing what they look like, instead of using somebody we may not know to compare them to? That's rather lazy.

Wait... Since you didn't get the reference, that now means that the writer is "lazy?" Dude.  

Quoted from Stoneyscripts You do not state in your screenplay that you are returning to BEDROOM. Action that is told and not shown is not credible in screenplay, I'm afraid.

What??? The way Steven uses scene headers is perfectly acceptable. If you're gonna correct someone, make sure you know what you are talking about.

Quoted from Stoneyscripts However it is a learning process and we go on.

Take your own advice. Learn from this and move on.

Quoted from Stoneyscripts Just to add this screenplay may work better without metrical structure.

Jesus. What the hell are you going on about!?

Yep, was funny. Kudos.

Love this line below -

'Melissa makes the sign of the cross.'

I've been alone in my bed at night and have heard the sound of a fart. I'm certain it's not me, because we know when we've done a fart - could this be Patrick? Or another ghost with a similar penance?

Hmmm.

Well done.

Quoted from Stoneyscripts So is this screenplay for your side of the pond only? Shall we not open up the character by detailing what they look like, instead of using somebody we may not know to compare them to? That's rather lazy. You do not state in your screenplay that you are returning to BEDROOM. Action that is told and not shown is not credible in screenplay, I'm afraid. However it is a learning process and we go on.

Not for only this side of the pond. And you’re right, that is a bit lazy but I didn’t want to get bogged down by giving a description a a revolutionary era man so I figured I’d give a familiar name most peeps would recognize. Besides, this is a four page comedy that is just meant to raise a chuckle. I didn’t have any desire to type my heart and soul into it.

And Zack is right. The way I labeled the transitions is perfectly acceptable. Had I been writing a feature, I would have been inclined to go — A sound in the … (new line) BATHROOM, then continued into the loo. I doubt anyone else would have the trouble you seem to be talking about switching from bedroom to bathroom to bedroom. If I left the room and entered a different room or area of the house I would have said so, but all action takes place in that bedroom. And most master bedrooms have an attached bathroom, so that’s what I was going for. Could have been a little clearer, but not entirely sure what the issue really is. And I’ve never seen bts used in a script before until I read yours.

And I’m still not sure what action I am telling and not showing. If you care to give an example I’ll take a look.

Quoted from ColinS Yep, was funny. Kudos. Love this line below - 'Melissa makes the sign of the cross.' I've been alone in my bed at night and have heard the sound of a fart. I'm certain it's not me, because we know when we've done a fart - could this be Patrick? Or another ghost with a similar penance? Hmmm. Well done.

Thanks for checking this out, Colin. Glad it worked for you, and the sign of the cross. That was a last second add in.

Steve

Ok, as you're obviously dismayed at my nit-picking. I will give some examples:

SFX - Snores/ Grunts/ Metal Jingling, followed by a throat clearance, then a soft fffbbtt...gas.

Brad reaches for phone - no service? How do we know that without SFX?

Brad wakes with a start. He takes a minute to remember where he is? How can we read what he's thinking?

So Brad wakes with a start.  He scratches his head in wonder - possibly.

I'm done. And an amusing little flash-fiction IMO if written in prose.

Quoted from Stoneyscripts Ok, as you're obviously dismayed at my nit-picking. I will give some examples: SFX - Snores/ Grunts/ Metal Jingling, followed by a throat clearance, then a soft fffbbtt...gas. Brad reaches for phone - no service? How do we know that without SFX? Brad wakes with a start. He takes a minute to remember where he is? How can we read what he's thinking? So Brad wakes with a start.  He scratches his head in wonder - possibly. I'm done. And an amusing little flash-fiction IMO if written in prose.

Not dismayed in the least. Just wanted to know where you were coming from.

So, you’re saying I have to label sounds as SFX in my script? That’s not true. Imagine how cluttered my script would look if I wrote — SFX: Brad grunts. SFX: toiled handle jiggles, etc etc. It’s not necessary, would eat up way too much space and it’s just not the way it’s done, period.

It takes a minute to wonder where he is. Any savvy filmmaker or actor would know how to handle an aside like that. The actor would simply look around a moment, look confused. There’s a hundred ways for an actor to express that, and I don’t have to beat anyone over the head telling them exactly how. Believe me, they know. They’re pros.

Flash fiction? Okay. Whatever.

And good luck with your writing, too.

Steve. Adding SFX and Bts is not clutter. In fact it is space saving action scenes. And it tells the reader exactly where they are within a script.

Don't be fooled by those cretins who tell you that you are cluttering your script, or that your dialogue isn't realistic.

People watch movies with their eyes and ears. Even the actor has to portray that otherwise what is the point of dialogue?

Quoted from Stoneyscripts Steve. Adding SFX and Bts is not clutter. In fact it is space saving action scenes. And it tells the reader exactly where they are within a script. Don't be fooled by those cretins who tell you that you are cluttering your script, or that your dialogue isn't realistic. People watch movies with their eyes and ears. Even the actor has to portray that otherwise what is the point of dialogue?

All due respect, I know all this. What it sounds like to me is you’re talking more about a shooting script with directors notes or whatever. Notating every sound with SFX is tedious to read, and your initial goal is to tell a story, not notate every sound. And I will use back to scene in my scripts, but only when I’m showing something, hence the “no service” phone in this script, but I chose not to do it as it’s only a four pager I wrote for shits and giggles and didn’t want to get too technical or anything. So, there’s that. Maybe at some point I’ll go back to your script to get a better handle on what you’re talking about and why you think you had to use it.

Why would you include SFX and complex slugs in a spec scripts? You're not developing a plan for shooting or production.

I reads Steve's script three times trying to figure out what is supposedly missing in terms of technical formatting; it's fine. It absolutely would clutter the script to do so.

Quoted from AlsoBen Why would you include SFX and complex slugs in a spec scripts? You're not developing a plan for shooting or production. I reads Steve's script three times trying to figure out what is supposedly missing in terms of technical formatting; it's fine. It absolutely would clutter the script to do so.

My thoughts exactly.

A few notes as I go...

• You title this Flatulessence yet a quick Google search reveals that this word is actually not a real word. My superior knowledge of screenplay format and specialized lexicography genius allow me to elucidate this egregious error. You're welcome.
  
• You use Written by to insinuate that this script is in fact created by a person who goes by the name of Steven Clark. But how do we truly know you're Steven Clark. Perhaps you're actually Stephen Clark. Or Steevan Clark. Or maybe even this fictitious Paul Revere character. Furthermore your surname sounds suspiciously like Clark Kent. Perhaps your true identity is that of none other than Superman...? I'm certain I've never seen the twain in the same room. I have my eye on you.
  
• Curious... you use the email address of steamroller138 as your contact... but without a doubt I know factually that you are neither made of steam nor rollers, let alone that you are indeed the one hundred and thirty-eighth steamroller.
  

Until you rectify the issues noted above you will not receive any further guidance from my vast well of knowledge.
I know this comes as a tremendous blow to your soul but fear not... for with decades of practice and perseverance you may one day begin to almost barely have a little tiny miniscule bit of my genius.

Again... You're welcome.

---

Okay... seriously though...

My only gripe was the last bit of dialogue where he calls his wife a "bitch".
This seemed more family-friendly-fart-joke kind of style until that line. It felt out of place.

Either add more vulgar language earlier on to change the tone, or omit the "bitch" in the last block of dialogue.

-Jordan

P.S. Please read the top portion of this comment in sarcastic font.

Quoted from Nomad A few notes as I go... You title this Flatulessence yet a quick Google search reveals that this word is actually not a real word. My superior knowledge of screenplay format and specialized lexicography genius allow me to elucidate this egregious error. You're welcome. You use Written by to insinuate that this script is in fact created by a person who goes by the name of Steven Clark. But how do we truly know you're Steven Clark. Perhaps you're actually Stephen Clark. Or Steevan Clark. Or maybe even this fictitious Paul Revere character. Furthermore your surname sounds suspiciously like Clark Kent. Perhaps your true identity is that of none other than Superman...? I'm certain I've never seen the twain in the same room. I have my eye on you. Curious... you use the email address of steamroller138 as your contact... but without a doubt I know factually that you are neither made of steam nor rollers, let alone that you are indeed the one hundred and thirty-eighth steamroller. Until you rectify the issues noted above you will not receive any further guidance from my vast well of knowledge. I know this comes as a tremendous blow to your soul but fear not... for with decades of practice and perseverance you may one day begin to almost barely have a little tiny miniscule bit of my genius. Again... You're welcome. --- Okay... seriously though... My only gripe was the last bit of dialogue where he calls his wife a "bitch". This seemed more family-friendly-fart-joke kind of style until that line. It felt out of place. Either add more vulgar language earlier on to change the tone, or omit the "bitch" in the last block of dialogue. -Jordan P.S. Please read the top portion of this comment in sarcastic font.

Haha! Brilliant. Honestly, I think more thought went into your response than I put in this script. A funny read.

The reason for that line of dialogue at the end was that I was kind of setting up Patrick as almost a sympathetic figure, then he calls his wife a bitch and you kind of realize why he may have gotten such a crappy penance. It was kind of out of character for him, for sure, but that’s what I liked about it. Not to mention, I laughed when I wrote it. The only laugh I got out of this, to tell the truth.

Thanks for reading!

Steve