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Wrong Costume by Ariel Unser - Short, Comedy - Alex and Leah are dressed up for a Halloween party, but Alex has regrets about his costume. 4 pages - pdf format
New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice
A lot of effort for such a still end. Back to the drawing board with this one. Lots of unusual script headings written in bold. INT/EXT etc..
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An interesting read, but the ending fell kind of flat for me.
Parts of the dialogue had its moments, but I wasn't able to get into it. Try to stay more visual, show me, in Action. Dissect every line and make sure it's visual/show me.
Some nit-picks and thoughts: * P1: FADE IN: -- requires a ":" * P1: First headline, I would go with INT. HOUSE - BEDROOM - DAY and use mini-slugs (BEDROOM, FOYER, etc) when moving from room to room inside the house. Make for a leaner script. * P1: Give LEATH and ALEX an age and a short description. In Action, a character is capped only when introduced. * P1: "LEAH'S boyfriend ALEX arrives home from work. He's late, as usual. She calls to him from the bedroom." -- you're telling me, not showing me. I don't know if he's the boyfriend and if he is usually late from work. * P1: "LEAH Happy Halloween!" -- no need to mention she calls from the bedroom, I would use LEAH (O.S.), not in the scene, but we can hear her. * P1: CONT'D is not used that much anymore, disable it in the software. * P3: Don't repeat in Action what's established in the headline ("driving"). We know this from the headline * p4: Don't like this headline/slug INT. HOUSE PARTY - DAY, remove PARTY and also differentiate this HOUSE with Leah and Alex HOUSE. Maybe have Alex and Leah live in an apartment, not to confuse the reader.
I disagree with some of the feedback above because I think the ending was a perfect cliff hanger!
Most of the script is described as being set in the 'day' however I think it would be more appropriate if it was set in the evening, because Alex is described as coming back from work, and also the evening feels more fitting for a script that is regarding Halloween.
I'm a sucker for a bit more information. What job does Alex have? Where do they live? When they arrive at the party what music is playing? What is everyone else wearing?
I enjoyed this script a lot and think it has a lot of potential
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Wrong Costume
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