Tom and Jerry Knockoff by Steven P. Dilworth - Short, Comedy, Cartoon - A tiny slice of insanity in the daily lives of two natural enemies. 7 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

I thought this was a very admirable effort. I think it's a difficult sell on paper, Tom and Jerry - almost solely relies on a visual narrative, and I had no problem following yours, so good job.

I feel it's also a great exercise in action writing so that should bode well for you going forward.

Whilst your action writing is good, I thought there were areas where it could have been trimmed a little, to get the narrative flowing that little bit quicker.  Perhaps like the below passage --

"Slowly his eyes reduce to normal size. He reaches down with
both paws and physically pulls his jaw back into place.
His jaw sets like granite, His bewildered eyes turn to fiery
anger."

It is necessary? Or perhaps it could be trimmed down somewhat?

Anyway, just a little gripe for what was an astute piece of work.

I did use to love Tom and Jerry - you reminded me of this scene where Tom (whilst chasing Jerry), inadvertently whacks Spike the bulldog over the head with a Mallet. Spike gives Tom the death stare as a massively over-the-top LUMP protrudes out of his head, sparking Tom out, to the amusement of Jerry. It was so funny, wish I had it recorded!

Quoted from ColinS I thought this was a very admirable effort. I think it's a difficult sell on paper, Tom and Jerry - almost solely relies on a visual narrative, and I had no problem following yours, so good job. I feel it's also a great exercise in action writing so that should bode well for you going forward. Whilst your action writing is good, I thought there were areas where it could have been trimmed a little, to get the narrative flowing that little bit quicker.  Perhaps like the below passage -- "Slowly his eyes reduce to normal size. He reaches down with both paws and physically pulls his jaw back into place. His jaw sets like granite, His bewildered eyes turn to fiery anger." It is necessary? Or perhaps it could be trimmed down somewhat? Anyway, just a little gripe for what was an astute piece of work. I did use to love Tom and Jerry - you reminded me of this scene where Tom (whilst chasing Jerry), inadvertently whacks Spike the bulldog over the head with a Mallet. Spike gives Tom the death stare as a massively over-the-top LUMP protrudes out of his head, sparking Tom out, to the amusement of Jerry. It was so funny, wish I had it recorded!

Thank you so much for reading and giving me your thoughts.  I'm really glad you liked it.  I'm sure you're quite right that some of my action could have been reduced, but this was just an exercise in writing a cartoon that I assume is always 'scripted' using production meetings and storyboards.  You know, I picture the creators planning the whole thing by saying "YOU know what would be hilarious if this happened next?"    I had no idea what to write, so I wrote every single detail in what I thought was an interesting way.  I just wanted to see what it would be like to script a cartoon like any other kind of show.